Nate Versus Nate | Horrible Holiday Movie Pitches

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Like, is it just because you you kind of live like not near like the central part of town or anything? Is it just like near you? It's out, or you came to Tucson and there's no garland.

So that made me pissed twice over.

It's those trade shortages, all the garlands in China.

It's all on a sea container than in the ocean, apparently.

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Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the podcast. Hey Nate. Hey, hey. Ho ho. It's Christmas time.

Oh, it is. It is holiday season. It is in full force, and I'm already exhausted.

Me too. I can feel it because Megan tried to go find Garland the other day and they're completely out. And it's out of garland. It's not even December 1st yet when we're recording this. Yeah. And it's out. Like out, out, gone. No garland anywhere.

Can you?

What a first world problem, first of all, though. Like, but but that's crazy. Come on. There's like, yeah, that should not be a thing. Like, is it just because you kind of live like not near like the central part of town or anything? Is it just like near you? It's out, or you came to Tucson and there's no garland.

So that made me pissed twice over.

It's those trade shortages, all the garlands in China.

It's all on a sea container in an ocean, apparently.

Yikes.

According to my Facebook feed.

We typically can't have garland because of the cats. That's like one of the things that um something about like some garland is actually like whatever they use is actually literally toxic to the cats. So we can't have garland. Yep.

And Tank's too old to get to high places. Your cats are still young and nimble.

I've never seen your cat. I saw pickles, but I've never seen the cat. Oh yeah, she hides.

Unless you know she doesn't want to.

Then she's not a charmer like Ben.

No, she's close to Ben, but not that point. Like, you gotta come over a couple times. Like mom comes over, and then the cat just jumps into her purse. And then I'm like, [expletive] out of here. That's what you're trying to do. Yeah, she's like, take me with you. It's not that bad. Yeah. So Christmas coming up. What are your plans for Christmas night? Anything for?

Uh I just leave the country. That's like not a joke. Uh, we almost always do uh like Christmas is bigger. Christmas Eve technically is bigger for like Latin American families. They do like a big thing Christmas Eve like night, then they just like we sleep all day and eat leftovers on Christmas. So my spouse, we're like six hours from his family in Mexico, so we drive down and um yeah, we spend it. It's also when his parents fly down. His parents are usually like in a totally different region in Mexico, but they he but most of his family's like six hours away, so his parents fly, and now it's like every single member of his family is six hours away.

So I can I have the luxury of working remote, so I'm gonna do that and yeah, be with family. I don't speak any Spanish, so I can only talk to like a handful of people-ish.

Right.

Um, but it's cool, it's kind of like relaxing because like there's no expectation of me because I can't communicate with people or anything. So it's actually like I get to just like you know, like if you were to go on vacation, you wouldn't just be able to relax, right? Like, you know, wouldn't just be like, okay, Megan, you're in charge. Like, you know, you'd have to you have to contribute and do stuff. But when I go on this, like these trips to Mexico, like I'm like, I don't know. It's like a real vacation. I really can't do [expletive]. So it kind of is nice.

Do you ever get bummed out? Because I know growing up you probably had lots of cold, like cliche like Christmases. Like do you miss that now that we're in the hot Christmases?

Like it, yeah, like a white Christmas. That sounds awful in 2021, right? Uh no, but like white Christmas sounds very still like romantic, and I am like a cheese ball on the holiday side, so that's cool. But like, nah, I [expletive] hate snow. Like, shoveling that stuff is not worth it. Like, it may look pretty coming down, but like, especially like when it snows on Christmas, you still have to go drive to see your family. So then it's like actually like I know people have like broken down, driving Christmas, gotten accidents driving to Christmas. So if you're like from New England, like that [expletive] gets old so fast. So no, I I don't really miss it here at all.

Okay. Um, I think for this year, uh, we're going actually up north, just northern Arizona, to see Santa's workshop, take the boys up there, but that way it's a little bit closer because we're desert rats through and through. I don't think I've ever had a real white Christmas. Yeah. Unless like it's been frosted over outside. Like, ooh, look at that. It's frosty out there. But I think we'll go up north a little bit and hopefully they get a little bit of that.

When you say Santa's workshop, is that like a tourist destination?

I don't know what it exactly entails, but I do know that they are going to meet Santa and like sit down and talk with them and stuff like that. And I want to say, right. And I want to say there's like a breakfast with Santa kind of thing we signed up for too. But the only problem is we'll be there Christmas Eve and Christmas and then come back Christmas Day.

I'm very concerned what kind of conversation Corbin's gonna have with Santa. Oh my god, I don't even know.

Does he still believe in Santa?

He's at that age kind of now the tooth fairy. Well, and he's like a non-believer in general.

Yes, the tooth fairy, that's not real, but I think he still lets us put on the whole Santa front.

Okay.

Don't listen to this episode, Corbin. But I think as far as Santa, he's still like just like he doesn't look at it. It's convenient to him so he can like look away. I tried last night actually, like bringing up some facts, like, well, how do you think Santa does this? And how do you think he does this? And he's like, I don't know, I don't want to talk about it. Interesting, interesting. Like he's just choosing not to look at it.

I like that. I like that. He'll be able to like deal with adult problems really well. Oh, yeah, right? Like that's what I don't want to talk about. Yeah, that's what I do. Yep, that's I handle that. He's learning so fast. He's like the youngest adult, like grown oh yeah, old man, yeah, ever. For sure.

It's fine, it's fun.

Well, that that actually sounds like kind of fun, right? It should be, yeah. I'm excited, except for the driving. How what four hours?

I want to say like three something, but so seven with children.

Yes.

And then there probably stops. Like, we tried to make a trip for Thanksgiving, and we made it 30 minutes on the road before Corbin's like, I need to go to the bathroom. I'm like, dude, we've been in the car 30 minutes. What happened? I don't know. Okay, fair enough. Yikes. So hopefully that'll be okay. And then I think it might be icy up there. So I might have to, depending if we get a new vehicle or not, I might have to buy snow chains or something. Who knows?

Ooh, I was explaining just the other day what those worded David, because that's like obviously not a thing. Yeah. Right. So cool beans. Well, today we were gonna revisit, I think one of our fan favorite, kind of in terms of like every single audience uh likes. Uh like everybody kind of likes movie pitches. Ooh, um, yeah, like young, old, our age, into DD, nine to DD, everybody kind of is a fan of trying to guess our movies. And so we actually, instead of doing like an era, we're like, hey, it's the holidays, let's do a movie pitch episode just on Christmas episodes.

Yes, specifically Hallmark.

Yeah, you you know what we're talking about, right? Like these premises that don't sound real, but they super are. Um, can you remember Nate? When was like the first time you watched like a Hallmark Christmas movie or a holiday movie or something?

I want to say I was pretty young, and it's like you get to the point where man, I want to watch a Christmas show, and like Rudolph's not on or Frosty's not on right now.

The old like claymation [expletive], like that's yeah, the classic not on right now.

So what do I do? I scroll through. Oh, Hallmark channel? Maybe let's try it out. It says Christmas in the title of the movie, right?

Okay. Okay, Christmas is involved, but that's about that's about we're gonna see a lot of that for sure. For sure. That's like the era of TV guide where like you just had a title. You had a title on a scrolling screen, and you're like, I'm gonna wing it. Let's go for it. Like, that's what you're saying. Yeah, you just got it. I'm in. It's in the movie. It's in the movie. Um, yeah, all right. So I wrote, um, we introduced maybe a new element this time. Look at my sheet. We I'm not looking at oh wow, you call me. Uh we introduced a new element this episode. And in the past, we joked about like it would be so easy to include some fakes in here. So maybe there are some fakes today. Oh, maybe.

So now it will be what's the movie? Or if you can't guess the movie, is it a real movie? Right. So it should be it should be a good time now. All right. Um, who is going first? How many you got? I got five.

I have um one, two, three, four, five as well. Okay.

So it doesn't matter. Um, I'll go first. Okay. Okay. Uh so uh emotionally frigid attorney Kate Jordan reluctantly accepts an end-of-the-year assignment to get a reputed, reputedly haunted inn appraised and sold by year's end. Naturally, she meets Daniel, the resident ghost, who for the past 95 years inexplicably returns to the life to life each December during the 12 days of Christmas. Kate has only one logical recourse for their mutual benefit. Break the curse that binds him so she can sell the inn. But falling for a man almost a century her senior isn't among her plans. The movie features classic scenes like a ghost watching Kate get changed and solving the mystery that was not much of a mystery at all. Eight out of ten, I might have cried at the end.

I want to say without a shadow of a doubt, that is a hundred percent real.

It is a real movie. So you get a point for that. I'm I mean, I don't think we're gonna be able to name these movies. So wait, you saw all your movies, right? Yeah. Okay, I've seen all these movies too, so they have titles. I wrote the titles down, but I really like remembering Hallmark movie titles is not something I in fact on the ones I made up, I made up titles to go with them.

Oh, so did I. Okay.

Okay. Well, all right, so this one's called The Spirit of Christmas.

Oh, of course it is.

And Spirit is in like a ghost that wants, yeah. Um, it was pretty weird. It was like super dumb, and we're gonna spoil the [expletive] out of these movies because there's there's no way not to. Oh, yeah.

There's five million of these things. You there's no way someone out there has seen all of these Hallmark movies.

Basically, the whole mystery to his death thing was that during Prohibition, he like smuggled money or whatever, and then his brother ratted him in so he could uh like move in on his fiance. Yeah, and then oh his fian, and then and he was super bitter because his fiance had a child, like started dating his brother immediately, like it didn't even matter, and had a child within how many months? And then it turns out it was his child. She just married because she wanted him to have a child. Yeah, so and so that I guess somehow that makes it better, and then he goes away. He finally like doesn't haunt the inn anymore, and then I think she was really into him, so then she cries.

Oh, he didn't come back to life when they get married.

No, that didn't happen. No, in Hongrock movies, anything's possible, my friend. But that did not happen, and then also um she's a workaholic, and they sent her on Christmas to like evaluate this house to get it sold because they are like on a time frame, so it's also about her learning to like put her foot down, she doesn't have to work during the holidays. Spirit of Christmas, look it up. I think it's I didn't write the years down, I think it's like 2015 or whatever. That is for sure a Hallmark one.

I think all mine are just from 2006. Really? Yeah, the one year the one year I've watched it all. All right, okay. Now, mine. It's called A Crown for Christmas. Now, a maid gets fired for not doing her job, which sounds about right, but then she received oh, and then she is recruited by some like a gentleman butler guy to come be a maid in a faraway kingdom, a completely made-up country. It's fine. Okay, yeah, but it's every maid's dream. Okay, so now the king is super handsome, of course, and has a daughter, which I call shenanigans on that, because how old did he have this daughter at? Probably 13, they were both, because like the age middle ages, who knows? Right? Because this this kid is like nine years old or something.

Oh wow, and then the dad is like only 30. So like that doesn't jive to me, you know? So, anyways, the mom's dead, of course, because it's a Hallmark movie. Yeah, it's a Hallmark movie. So, and this uh little kid daughter is a real [expletive], but the maid manages to win over her heart, thus getting the king to look at the maid and canceling the plans of the evil broad who was trying to marry the king just to be queen. Now, the maid marries the king for some reason or something and then gets a crown for Christmas.

Okay. Is that what do you think? Right off the bat, my instincts are saying fake, but you got really upset and called the chick abroad. So that means I think you're really passionate about it. So I think it's a real movie. That is absolutely a real movie. Is it a real movie? Yeah, and it's what is it called again?

Uh Crown for Christmas. Okay. And it had uh, what was it? The one lady from um was it Fast Times that came out with the bikini? No, it wasn't her. Uh Wonder Years? Wonder Years, that chick. I don't know. You'll it's she has one of those faces. Maybe if I saw it, yeah, you'll be like, I've seen her in other movies, but I have no [expletive] idea what her name is. Got it. It's one of those.

There's something weird. We're gonna see a trend of medieval things in Christmas, because apparently that's like a combo I didn't know existed.

Right.

Like the black plague and Christmas, like like matchmade in heaven, I guess. I don't know.

And I think another trend with all of these Hallmark movies is like there's always a lady, you know, and then she needs a man, or she needs to find a man, or a man helps her, you know, but she didn't need it the whole time, but she did.

Yeah. And then at the end, just to show her that she didn't. Like she needed the man to show her that she didn't need the man. Like, yeah. Yeah, totally, totally. Okay. Uh, you're not wrong, uh, because let me go next. Okay. Um New York City addict, Holly Maddox can't help but notice the window display she passes on her way to work every day. The one with perfect hunky mannequin arms or whatever. But when Holly slips one day in front of the store and hits her head, she wakes up to find a perfect hunky gentleman by her side helping her up. Holly hits it off with her new bow, and soon things are going perfectly.

But when Holly begins to discover that the pressure to be perfect all the time is not all it's cracked up to be, she has to make a choice between the perfect life she's always dreamed of and the real love that's been waiting for her all along. It's not really a Christmas movie, except that it's set during Christmas. Notable scenes include an incredibly hot, kind of coworker friend getting friend zoned, uh, and me calling the female protagonist, quote, a weak [expletive]. Story there, uh, I was referring, I was like helping a friend and I was putting our furniture together, and I asked her to hold something, and then when we were also like watching this movie, I was doing it, and like the female protagonist does something really [expletive], and I'm like, oh you weak [expletive].

But she was like holding something up, and so my friend thought I was like calling her a weak [expletive], and I was like, Oh no, not you, like the one on TV. Like, so anyway, uh pretty ridiculous movies, basically uh mannequin, like like it's just it's it's a mannequin that comes alive and like wow, he's so perfect, and then he's like aggressively, annoyingly perfect, like beat your wife kind of perfect. It doesn't happen in the Hallmark movie because it's a Hallmark movie, but like that's where it was going. And then, like, oh, it's so bad, and then it's like, oh, the guy who clearly was like super hot, super nice the whole time is maybe actually like a better love interest. Um, it's called Holly's Holiday. I want to say it's a real movie.

It is, yeah, sadly, it was a bad one too. Like, Spirit of Christmas wasn't half bad. I think I even shed a tear at the end. But like Holly's Holiday was trash. I would not recommend that movie to anyone.

Is it because Holly like wasn't very likable as a main character? Because I see that a lot in these Hallmark Christmas movies where like sometimes the main character, you're like, man, that is not a good person. Like, even if they learn a life lesson, like I'm already invested. Like, you're a terrible person, I don't like you.

I think that might just be you. I think it's usually just a quality that's over-exaggerated, right? They work too much. She wants everything perfect, she's a perfectionist. Like, usually in all other aspects, they're usually incredibly successful, incredibly smart, incredibly pretty, but they have like one quality that makes them like a miserable person to be with, and that's what they like work out through like these miracles. Yeah, they learn. Um, yeah, not uh that was probably on this entire list my least favorite um of all the movies. So uh, but it was so ridiculous.

I thought it made the mannequin came to life. Mannequin came to life. Haven't seen that before.

Holly's holiday. Yep. Look it up, seen it once seen a thousand times. Tales all the time.

Okay. This next one is called A Home for Christmas. Now, this homeless beggar lady tries her best to help with holiday cheer amongst her fellow homeless people. And then she bumps into a man that suspiciously looks a lot like Santa. He drops some sweet watch and then she returns it without even second guessing it. And this Santa man asks what she wants for Christmas. She goes to sleep and then wakes up with a family and a nice house and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they start doing all the kind of things that a family does on Christmas that no one actually ever does, like snowball fights in the park and like let's go get hot chocolate together and [expletive] like that. Oh, so then it all ends perfectly.

But then uh the next morning she's homeless again. Oh man, it was just a dream. But in a twist, she ends up going back to her normal bus station to try to spread her holiday cheer, and she saves a man from getting hit by a bus, and that man was the husband in her dream, and then they go out and get a coffee.

Okay, but she's homeless, yes, so yes, okay. Um there's no way you would write a description about homeless people, that's a real movie.

That's 100% made up.

Really? Yes, no way.

That was actually pretty coherent, right? That was pretty coherent, right? Okay, wow, you got me. Yeah, I didn't think you'd be able to fool me. I know. You got me on the first one, [expletive], man.

But doesn't that sound like a [expletive] Hallmark movie?

Yep, through and through. 100%. That's exactly what happened.

Someone's probably listening right now. They're like, Johnson, shut that down.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Yeah, it's coming up.

Yeah. Oh my gosh, that was Christmas.

I 100% thought that was real name.

[expletive].

Oh wow.

It's tough. It's tough.

All right. These are tough. This is gonna be a challenge. Man, I didn't pick like okay. I don't know if mine are gonna work as well, but alright. Um, let's try this one.

Okay, I'm ready.

After a sorceress transports medieval night, Sir Cole to present-day Ohio during the holiday season, he prefends Brooke, a clever and kind science teacher who's been disillusioned by love and is also a bad driver because she hits him with his car. Naturally, Brooke helps Sir Cole, feeling bad, navigate the modern world by letting him stay in her guest house and wear her dad's clothes, who I think is dead because it's a Hallmark movie or whatever. Of course, she tries to help him discover how to fulfill his mysterious one true quest, uh, the only act that will return him home. But as he and Brooke grow closer, uh Sir Cole begins to wonder just how much he wants to return to his old life.

Notable highlights include uh the protagonist female making horrible life decisions, like letting a stranger sleep in her guest house, letting a stranger borrow her car who also can't drive because he's from the Middle Ages, letting a stranger claiming to be from the Middle Ages fall asleep next to him, her, or no, she fell asleep in front of him.

It's crazy. In front of the stranger.

Yeah. The movie is called The Knight with a K before Christmas because he's a medieval knight.

I want to say that's real 100%. It sounds like a very watered-down Kate and Leopold. Like, did you watch Kate and Leopold? Oh, I thought you were into the romance once, but it sounds like that. So I'm gonna say that's gotta be real. It's real.

Yes! Yep. Uh Vanessa Hudgens. She's been doing the circuit. She's she has dipped in. She's like, I'm gonna do holiday movies every year. I think she's done like one to two every year, right? I I promise you. I think there was one about her switching with like a prince or a princess or some [expletive], and it was like holiday themed. Like yeah, it's it's a thing now. I that's like it's kind of like how Mariah Carey makes money off of like all I want for Christmas is you. Like every year she makes boatloads of money off the royalties from a song.

Like, if we could get in on that, like a Nat One like holiday album or something that just like and then we don't do anything for the rest of our life, like that's just the same thing on loop every year. Or or we just do one horrible [expletive] Christmas movie, but we can do the homeless one. Yeah. What is the Christmas one? Home for Christmas.

Home for Christmas.

You freaking got me, man. Oh my god. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed. I should know better. It was a good one.

It's still a good one. Okay, now this next one, and then it goes along with the theme we were talking about. I think they use the same actors and actresses in all these movies. Just like yeah, and they just constantly repeating. So this one's a journey back to Christmas, and it has the mom in Fuller House. What's her name? I forget her name, but that's she's the main character. Okay. Now, uh, it's set in World War II time, and some nurse goes forward into time to learn about family and Christmas and feelings and how not to be a bad person. So this comet comes flying down on this lady while she's driving, and somehow that teleports her into the future. Okay. Maybe she died, I don't know. But either way, she's teleported into the future.

Uh blah blah blah. Christmas. And basically, I don't even know how else to explain it.

What does she do back in in time?

Uh, she ends up meeting some guy who needs some help with some problems.

This is not very specific at all, Nick. The only she can help him with. You just named every Hallmark movie. That doesn't help me at all.

I saw it so long ago. I remember seeing it, but I don't. Remember all the fine details in any time.

You just described 78 Hallmark movies.

It stars the lady from Fuller House. It's not that good.

Okay, well, I'm gonna say it's true because you keep saying the lady from Fuller House, unless you're lying.

Though that would be good, but no, it's 100% real. I even tried to go and find a trailer on it to like maybe re-jog my memory to get more information. No, absolutely nothing. Even the trailer's like, oh, this is the lady from Fuller House, and she goes back in time. That's it.

Is this like Robot Jocks, which I think is just like a movie your mom made up with like with like stop animation?

Like this is 100% real hallmark movie. Check it out. That you can't name or identify. It's Journey Back to Christmas.

Oh, Fuller House Mom, though. Fuller House Mom. Okay, Journey Back to Christmas. It's in it. Journey Back to Christmas. That's it. Okay. That's all I got for that one. I I I I mean I can't speculate anything because you told me nothing about that movie. Something about a comment and going back in time is like all you told me. And then quote, a woman who helps a guy with a thing that only she can help with is what you said.

Perfect. I'll watch it.

Yikes.

Yikes. Sorry, that's the roughest one. I figured I'd get it out of the way.

Yeah, that's fair, that's fair. Okay. In this progressively modern classic, Christian Kringle, heir apparent to the Monica of Santa Claus, Moniker, sorry, not Monica, that's weird. Is engaged to a kind veterinarian named Holly at the North Pole. Christian grows anxious as the wedding draws nearer, an apparent fear of not living up to his father's expectations. On the eve of the wedding, however, Christian discovers that the magic powering his father's sled and the family toy factory is drawing thin. It's up to Christian and his best man, a half elf named Darren, who works in his father's factory, to solve the mystery of the diminishing Christmas magic.

Naturally, it turns out that Christian's inner turmoil is the source of the magic disappearing, and in a not so shocking twist, he has to face his father and Holly and express his disinterest in becoming Santa. And also a hetero for that matter, because Christian and Darren share their first kiss under the mistletoe, and you guess it, the gays save Christmas. Name that movie.

Man. You if you made that up, you wrote that very well. I want to say that's a real movie.

It's not. No, no, I got you. Um no, I gave it a fake title. I call it a Christmas quericle.

I would have known from that.

I know, that's why I didn't mean the title. It's like a bad fan fiction. Um, I feel like gays can't be lead characters in holiday movies because they're usually geared towards family audiences, and you're not gonna you're not gonna get those. We can have lead parts in other movies, but not holiday ones. There might be one if you right if you've watched one, if you're one of our six anonymous gay listeners, feel free to let me know. But I don't think I've seen any like gay holiday movies. I could totally see that though.

Like it sounds nice, right?

I I sold it, huh? Yeah, like I feel a little better because you got I'm so mad you got me with a homeless one. That one got me so mad. I'm like, there's no way. Like that sounds exactly like that has to be because they're they're always come from like crazy unfortunate circumstances. They're either highly successful and need to be need to be humbled, like Scrooge McDuck type deal or whatever, Ebonies of Scrooge, whatever, or they're like incredibly poor and like their Christmas savior comes. It's never like just like you or me. Right.

Who get a miracle? Yeah.

Like the Nates never get a Christmas miracle. That doesn't happen. Hallmark. That's what Arthur did. Your second monitor is like a portal to like another world.

All right, you're you're up. All right, here's the next one. Having too much fun with this. Sorry, I got rid of that last one. But here we go. Yeah, we're back on track now. Now, this is the town that lost Christmas. The town of Brownsville is so focused and caught up in the future, they seem to have lost their way. They're really focused on like building new buildings and like all the tech and stuff that's going into their little town and everything, their their Wi-Fi and stuff was a point. Until a lost little girl shows up, aka an elf, and she moves from family to family, pointing out supposed flaws and helping them remember the true spirit of Christmas.

Now, at the end, they are getting ready to mow down some forest for a new highway or some [expletive] like that, when the families that were helped from the elf all band together and help the town itself remember the meaning of Christmas.

That's so so fake. That is fake. That's super fake. Yeah, 100%. Not bad. Not bad. Dang it. You had me until the uh the elf. It's just like when I throw an elf in mine.

That'll get them. That'll get him.

More elves. We need more elf representation so I can push that liberal agenda. The obviously gay elf. The obviously gay elf, Darren. Uh, alright. Uh this one's uh well we'll see. Okay. In this holiday classic uh story that warms the heart, a homeless person in obvious need of mental health treatment comes down from the mountain to get his mail leading up to Christmas. Naturally, he is bullied by the mayor of the city, and a long history of harassment is established. The result is that he talks to animals, hears voices, chews class, and even swears in this Peachy 13 movie. As a blatant call for help, the victim wraps a small child in Christmas paper and scares her in an effort to teach her a lesson about the danger of playing around heavy-duty operating equipment.

The child goes on to expose the city for their treatment of the mentally ill, and after he robs everyone of their possessions, they finally begin to ponder if their treatment of others is the result of excessive incarceration or the stigma around addressing mental health. Highlights include the growing prison population, cyberbullying, and my attempt to ruin a classic movie for Brian with my liberal slant. Name that movie, and is it real? I want to say no, not real. Wait, really? Yeah. I just literally did you see Jim Carrey as the Grinch? Yes. That's what I just literally just.

Oh my god.

So I love, all right, first of all, I have to go on a huge random. No, not a Hallmark movie. I kind of cheated.

Okay.

I love Jim Carrey's the Grinch. That is like my favorite like holiday movie of all time. I watch it every year because he's so insane. Like, literally, he chews glass in the movie. The whole thing with like the echo where he's like, You're an idiot, or I'm an idiot, you're an idiot. Like that whole part. Like, just the movie is like so ridiculous. And like, I don't know, like he like lights a Christmas tree on fire with his farts. Like, it was just like such an obscene movie for children.

Oh, yeah.

And it really has stuck with me. So I really dig it. But I mean, obviously, I exaggerated, but yeah, he's basically bullied as a child. He's basically homeless. He lives up in a mountain. Yeah. Right. He uh he like wraps Cindy Lou in paper, but then saves her life because she's about to die from the mail equipment that was like conveyor belt thing. Like everything I I just obviously tried to like make it really like obnoxious and about mental health, which it obviously isn't, but like like it could be.

Yeah, it could be. He was unstable, that guy.

Well, I love that I got you on that one. I know.

That was a good one. Thanks. Dang it.

Not a Hallmark movie. I'm sorry, I cheated. You son of a movie. I just love that movie.

That was good.

I'm gonna watch it right after this.

Ooh, let's let's do it. Okay. Not with you, just on my own. That's fine. I guess I don't deserve to watch it. No, I got it wrong. Whatever. Alright, I got one more. Alright. I'm in the lead, so you have to trick me to tie. I really got this one. This one is the worst reindeer. A divorcee and her two kids are trying to keep their ranch afloat when they get an unexpected visitor, a [expletive] reindeer. Now, this reindeer causes all kinds of shenanigans that seem like it's hurting the family. But halfway through the movie, we see that these things are actually helping them. For example, digging through the neighbor's tomatoes. He finds a locket that belonged to his grandmother. Tearing down a fence revealed that this company was dropping waste in their water supply.

And then finally running into some man on the street, and then that led to a romance with a mom.

What's it called? The worst reindeer. The worst reindeer. My gut tells me that it's fake, but you also got really worked up while talking about it. So I can't tell if you're just super deep in your own lies or what. Um if I have to choose that's fake.

Ah, dang it, it is fake.

If you gave it a better title, I might have gone with it. The worst reindeer is the worst title for a movie.

Because I'm going on trying to get examples of titles of these Hallmark movies, and they are all [expletive] garbage. Oh yeah. I can see that. They're all garbage. So I'm like, I gotta do something similar. Dang it. But the worst reindeer sounds like something I'd actually watch.

You almost got me though, because you got so upset about the like the polluting waste and stuff. I almost was like, I don't know, this could be real. That's all we got. So so what? That's uh two to one.

[expletive].

Yeah. I guess maybe the second, my last one might not count because it's not a Hallmark movie, but it's alright. You can still have a plan.

I only tricked you once.

That was that was good.

That was you're two on your toes after that first trick.

That was that one got me, man. I'm still upset about it. Cause that's like I'm like, in my head, I've seen that movie. Like, I'm like, I like if I just think long enough on the show, like I'll come up with the title of a movie that's basically that movie has to be. So, oh man. Good stuff.

But that's Hallmark movies wrapped up.

Yeah, it's I I can't tell which was crazier. The 80s movie pitch or the Hallmark movies. They're both so ridiculous, right?

And it seems they both like have some outline, and they're like, okay, it's like mad libs, like I was just gonna say like mad libs, yeah.

Like uh workaholic lady, go, yeah, yeah, bad reindeer. Lock it, it's in, lock it in, stay pull a big lever. Well, and you know, like we joke, but I think they also know that like there's just an audience for that, and like the expectation, like there's some movies like you can't put out a bad superhero movie, right? We'll [expletive] all over it. But like, we're fine. Yeah, you can give us a bad holiday movie, we'll take it. Like, like Hallmark has figured out the sweet spot of like they don't need to spend a lot on a movie to get us to watch it, and it doesn't matter if we [expletive] talk it right now, Nate.

If like 10,000, if hundreds of thousands of people watch the movie and they get their advertising budget or whatever, they win. It doesn't matter. So it's like they figure out they're like, we we we don't have to be good, right? We can be [expletive], and you're gonna watch it anyway. Like, joke's on you. Like, they got us.

And really, if I'm 100% honest, I'm never as disappointed finishing a Hallmark movie as I am like a horror movie. Because like I already know going into it, yeah, exactly. This thing's probably gonna be good. Exactly.

They don't like it, it never quite gets good enough that you're like, you know what, this would have actually been a great movie. Like it never gets quite to that point. Whereas maybe the horror movies are like, hell yeah, this premise kicks ass.

Maybe my new favorite, and then they [expletive] all over you every time. The Hallmark, it's so transparent. Like, okay.

Yeah, yeah, okay. It's if you love to heckle movies, which I do, like Hallmark is where it's at because they're so predictable and they're so silly that like you can just trash all.

You feel like a psychic sometimes watching it, like, oh, watch this.

This guy's gonna fumble up and then he drops all the glasses, especially you. You almost like ruined Mortal Kombat with me because you kept just like leaning over and like saying the lines before they said them. I was like, shut up. But also that's funny, right?

It's so like it's like one person writes all these movies, you know.

Exactly, exactly. Oh man. Well, good stuff. Another, another shorter episode.

Yeah, um, nice fun one for the holidays.

As we're approaching the end of the year, I think we got a few more episodes to go. I know we're probably gonna do a kind of uh looking back type episode, like year in review, what's our uh you know, our goals end of year and year's [expletive]. So we'll do some of that. Um, you know, I guess it'll be cheesy. Like if you're a listener, hope you have like a nice holiday, whatever holiday that is. Like whatever. I hope it's as good as every other. I hope your whole life, every month, every day of the year is good, and not just some [expletive] [expletive] day that your family comes and gives you presents. I hope, right. I hope in general you're you're feeling loved.

I hope it's nice, but not nice enough to make a Hallmark movie out of. And not [expletive] enough to make a Hallmark movie out of, you know, like right there in the middle.

Sweet spot.

Right in the sweet spot where nobody gives a [expletive].

Perfection. Thank you so much for listening. Uh support our show uh as little as a dollar, a bonus episode every month. That's NatOnepresents.com, or you can go to patreon.com slash Nat Onepresents. We're on Instagram, some other social media sometimes. Yeah. Um, check us out or just slide in our DMs. We'll tell you where to find if you want to support us, we'll find a way. Oh, we're there. We will talk to you next week. Thank you. Bye.