PTSD&D | Mortal Korporate

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On this episode of Nat One Presents.

Where's Scrappy Do? Where is it? Where's it, little dog Scrappy? Scrappy Do. Where are you? We got some work to do now.

Adventure. Heartwarming stories. Role-playing that could only be seen by the gods. Here at Nat One Presents, you get all that and more. Now join us as we start another epic tale of Concord.

Just kidding. This is Nat One Presents, a tabletop roleplaying game podcast that takes your favorite nerdy games and pop culture icons and ruins them with improv.

Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents, the podcast. Hey Nate. Hey. Uh what are you what are you thinking about right now at this very moment? Launch. Ooh, me too. Channeling some Chris right now. Single word answers. I appreciate that. But I think uh there's something else I've been thinking about for Nat One Presents, and I think it's time we we expand our horizons maybe a little bit.

This is great, guys. I'm gonna pause real quick because very rarely does anyone in Nat One Presents talk to me about marketing Nat One Presents. These guys show up for an episode, they leave, and that is it. I'm over there at social media, YouTube, everything's up to you. Emailing people, sending people texts. So great. Please tell me what you what do you think you have on the horizons for us, Nate? Nate is the uh Atlas holding up the world of Nat One Presents.

Me and Chris walk by and kick him, and then now it's gonna take up. Basically, so I'm thinking that maybe we start and uh get in on this new hype train thing that's going around now. It's uh it's kind of new fashion like an emerging platform. Maybe it's called uh streaming. Uh oh.

You're talking about Twitch. Yes, it is. Oh, the like decade old software, right?

I guess if you want to make me feel bad about it, yeah.

Alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So you want to stream?

Yes, I think so. I think um, but for those of you at home, it's not just gonna be like your normal average streaming. I think we want to really choose the games that we want to play. Uh maybe with the help from you folks watching, let us know what you would maybe like to see, and then we can still bring our uh roleplay flair to it. So, like one of the first things that came to my mind is like an Among Us because it's [expletive] Jerry video, but we can still roleplay that out as characters, and they have like better versions of that too, we can try out.

Yeah, I've been playing a new game and goddamn, I can't remember it because my friend he owns it and just shared it with us. But it's kind of like Among Us where you like there's just 30 people on the screen and you just like walk in random directions, and then when you know who the other person is, you just punch them in the face. And there's like a bunch of different levels, it's fantastic. That would be a good one, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So anything like that we can try out. We're not gonna be doing like any like of your standard like shoot 'em up games or anything like that. Or [expletive], even if you guys want to see me and Nate play Mortal Kombat one time together or something like that, we could set up something like that.

Some fun roleplay, let's play, whatever. Yeah, I think it's called Unspottable, by the way, on Steam. Oh, is it? It's super fun. It's super. Oh, okay, okay.

Let me write that down. Let's check that out. It's it's good.

Okay.

It's almost like less complicated than Among Us, like, because like you do have to understand how to play the game of Among Us and Unspottable. You just hop in and we figure out.

And not only that, there's also the like the unseen things of what to understand to play. Like, you need to understand how to play people in Among Us.

That I mean, yeah, it's the people diamond dynamics where the other one's purely about observing what's going on on the screen. And you can talk [expletive] like the whole time. You don't have to be quiet or anything like that. Because I like that.

Yeah. And then uh other things that we can do. Uh, we're also thinking about uh trying out uh there's another like a platform kind of thing that we could use to help improve our uh Call of Cthulhu or our DD where we can walk around, run around, and it shows the map and stuff like that.

Yeah, like a 3D kind of level environment for you know our campaigns or one-shots. We're all we're exploring different things, right? Season two is coming and we got some big things planned. Uh, but we're not gonna tell you yet because we're still scoping out the different things.

But the the biggest thing is we need some kind of feedback from you guys. I know you don't want to comment because nobody [expletive] comments, so just send us personal messages, DMs on any of the socials, we'll answer. Uh, and then let us know what you would like to see or maybe like what we could bring to the table at Nat One presents and tell your friends to watch us because we're funny.

Hilarious. Nate's funny. Good lord. He's if I'm the the atlas of freaking marketing, Nate is the atlas of entertainment on this show. So uh all right, what if, man, what we got planned for today? I think today we are going to go back to a PTSD. Oh my god, I love PTSD. It like does not have to do with our show, but it does like when I tell people we're like a like a D podcast, I don't know how this fits, but man, I love me. Like the clips that people randomly text me about is PTSD. Like uh it's random, like Linka, I knew it was [expletive] wind. [expletive] knew it.

Or like uh some of our biggest heavy hitters are in PTSD too. Because like that's where where we really shine is in our short bursts of comedy.

Yeah. And and I think y'all see the theme in pretty much everything we do of like our favorite, our favorite roleplays, our favorite deat matches are like just bizarre situations that should have never happened in life, or just like asking questions, like really looking at something and being like, that doesn't make any sense. Um, you see it all over our stuff. So PTSD is like a really great jumping board for that.

I think just the bridges the gap where we don't have to build this incredible story. You already know the story, yeah. And then we just kind of poke fun.

Yeah, if we tried to add dice and stuff, you know, it just doesn't like work. It's too much, but it it's a fun time. So uh cool. All right, we'll do some we'll do some PTSD. Uh we just got a couple segments. We're gonna really commit to them instead of doing giving you like five different like uh uh kind of crazy scenarios today. We're just gonna pick two like really funny ones that we thought we had, and we'll we'll see where it goes. Uh I also have in the future, I have this like idea to like instead of it always being the doctor, I'm like a federal investigator, like so it'll be like an interrogation room and be like, where is he? Where is he?

Yeah, where's razor? Where's the job?

Where's your except maybe you'll have to be the doctor. Maybe you'll have to be the interrogator, and then I'll have to be the actual uh the patients.

Scooby! Where's Scrappy Doo? Where's it? Where's the little dog Scrappy? Scrappy Doo, where are you? We've got some work to do now.

I wish we could just pause the episode and immediately pivot to that. Next week. That'll be uh that'll be the we'll do that.

Next week, uh Pete Holmes's Batman investigates all kinds of heinous crimes.

Where are you? Raiden, you said you couldn't do anything, but now you're doing stuff. Raina! That doesn't make sense. Rita! You can just teleport them away. Why don't you do that earlier? Raida. How'd you learn to use those powers so quick?

Sonia I don't know if I can survive that session.

Jax, what if your power was a robotic [expletive] instead of arms? You'd have a big old robotic [expletive] and little baby arms. It doesn't make sense.

This is why we got a stream. See? It's almost like when we try so hard, it doesn't even work out. But uh yeah, so enjoy this uh on our Twitch channel, uh, which by the way, I didn't even tell people what it is. Well, we know we have to do it. Yeah, we do. We we we we did like a test stream on it once. Um just network presents all one word, uh, and the one is a numeral. So uh yeah, check it out.

Sorry, check it out, and uh we will be sure to let you know. We will have announcements on all the socials before we even start stuff like that. But to go back to what you're here for, besides Batman voice [expletive] about Mortal Kombat, that should have been the whole bonus episode on Patreon. It was Batman [expletive] about Mortal Kombat.

Cole has no character development, he's a real piece of [expletive]. One of those tonfas, Alfred has tonfas.

Alfred. Could you do that for 40 minutes? I don't would your voice be shy?

I would definitely need to gargle some Alfred Sellers loose.

Um, so I'm thinking we go with Mortal Kombat. But uh today I'm gonna play as a PR person for Mortal Kombat. It's all the rage. Uh uh people know about Mortal Kombat, but I think it's time that everybody knew about Mortal Kombat. So how do we bring this to the main stage, if you will? I dig it, I dig it. Trigger. Come in. Yes, hey, how's it going? Uh I'm here for an appointment at my four o'clock.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you look very well dressed. What uh what do you do?

Uh I'm actually uh in public relations for a living. Uh I'm on a new startup company. It's actually been a w around for a while, but they're they're looking for a new direction, and that's where I'm at. Uh you mind if I'm I'm I'm gonna sit down right here.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh let me just tell you a little bit more about myself. This isn't the first time uh I've had one of these sessions with a therapist, but uh the last one didn't end so well when one of my colleagues came in and these things happen, you know.

I I I just brought up a story. It's a safe space. This is this is you know, you can tell me whatever you want here, and I'm sure your colleagues don't like I mean, we have locks on the doors, like we don't just let people in and out of our office. Oh, perfect. I I feel safer already.

So, as you may know, uh, probably from what I wrote down in my insurance card, I work for the Mortal Kombat. And that's great.

Is that like uh esports team or no?

It's a it's a fighting tournament of sorts, but like the the outcome decides the fate of the world. It's kind of a big deal. I'm surprised it hasn't had more press. But the biggest thing that was bugging me when I first saw it was that combat had a K. Yeah, I thought it was a typo. Yeah, that's not insurance. That's not. That's the that's a branding issue. And apparently Combat with a C was taken from some other company, I guess. I don't know.

By the English language, like I don't I don't understand. Also, I do just I you know, like we're gonna do the session. You there's no issues here. Obviously, it's about giving you care first and payment later. But the uh you submitted your insurance paperwork as a scroll attached to a block of wood. Yes. Um, and it's in another language that I don't understand.

It's trust me, it's been a doozy to try to get them more.

Do you have like an insurance card, maybe just you know, something with your group number um policy information?

Just the scroll right now. Okay, it's it's a process. We're trying to get into the new digital age, and that's all with the rebranding that I'm trying to work here with more combat. We'll figure it out. Uh I'm sorry, I've just I've just been dealing with this all the time, you know, and it's constantly something.

Stuff, you know. Yeah, when we came, we used to put we had a filing cabinet, you know, now we're using the cloud, you know. So I and I'm sure it's hard to use you cutting edge, you know, PR person. It must be hard to go in an organization and really usher them into the the modern age.

Oh, yeah, it's extremely hard. Like why I wanted to look something up the other day. I had to walk down 26 flights of stairs, and that led me to a basement that they called the lair. And from there, I was attacked by some kind of reptilian creature. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I threw it away and it scurried off and ran off. It was fine. But there's some [expletive] noises going on down there. First of all, there's skeletons, actual skeletons, all over the [expletive] place. And then you have to walk over. I don't know who designed this [expletive] place where we keep our files, but I had to walk over a narrow little platform and there's acid on both sides of it. If I slip, I'm dying right then and there.

And then before that, it just it's all wooden logs with [expletive]. No, there's it's an island that bridges the [expletive] Earth Realm and Outworld. It's called Shang Sung Island, and that's where I spend most of my time over there.

Oh, I never heard of it. Okay.

Yeah, it's kind of top secret. You get close and your compass gets all wiry and stuff. But once you've been there once, you can find your way back again, no problem. Oh, gotcha. It's filled with I mean, I don't, but I'm just going on the channel. Yeah, all my coworkers and stuff there are soulless.

He writes like a delusional, like, does not walk work in like Mortal Kombat, is it real? Question mark.

Go ahead. What's this guy's deal? Um, yeah, and they're just all a bunch of soulless monks working there, you know. They all got bald, they all wear the same outfit and stuff, except for my boss. Soulless is pretty harsh, I feel like. Well, yeah, yeah, no, I could see that if I was actually talking about a real person, but they are in fact soulless husks that just kind of walk around and mull about, you know, and then that's not good for PR, I don't think. No. When you're like, this is the face of Mortal Kombat, and you like try to show pictures of your co-workers, and it's just a blank stare.

It's just a blank stare of a soulless monk, you know. Like, that's not bringing anybody new to the table, you know? [expletive] people trying to have fun and play and stuff, it's just a soulless face. That's not doing anybody any good. Oh man.

That's been hard, you know. The plus there's already this prior image about Mortal Kombat because one of the rules that I'm trying to get my boss Shang Song to change is the whole like No drugs and you know, performance enhancing, right? Oh no, absolutely not. You actually need those to compete at Mortal Kombat. Yeah, because uh one time a guy got his leg chopped clean off, but and then after that he like bansheed it up real quick, and then they're like round two, and like he's still ready to fight, you know.

But that's the biggest thing, is it's the gore and the killing, and I don't know if like that's ready for like children's eyes yet, you know, or like a family show, but it is to determine the fate of the realms, you know, and we gotta do what we gotta do.

Wow, that sounds that sounds really intense. Who's running this kind of toxic culture?

That would be the the maestro himself, would be Shang Song, be my boss, but there's a lot of in-between too. Like, we gotta deal with another guy named Raiden, and then he's got his little squad and everything, and I'm kind of more like I'm here in the middle, I'm not on one side or the other, and it's just been it's been hard to to dial everything in, you know? It's different atmosphere.

Yeah, sure, sure. So, how is like the peer efforts going? Because are are you so are you trying to recruit like uh some some entrants into the tournament? Are you trying to just expand the audience of the viewership of the tournament?

I yeah, I think that's my main goal is to get more people to know what's going on, you know, like a like an infomercial kind of kind of deal. But last time I tried shooting an infomercial, they started fighting right in front of me again, and there was a murder in front of me.

Oh, was that the one on the news where someone actually ripped part of the camera out and then like stuck it like through his throat?

Yeah, and I didn't know that was legal, but apparently nowadays you can bring guns and knives or eyelasers, whatever you got, you can just fight eyelasers. Uh apparently that's a thing.

Yeah. Oh, all right.

That's why I'm here talking to you, is because I don't know how to describe that.

Sure, okay, okay. I I understand. Um I'm picking up well, you have to like who are your you know, your confidants, like who do you rely on when you're there? Because you have to, you can't be in this alone. If it's not a good environment if you're just you're by yourself, like left to fail. So who there's got to be people helping you do your job? Who are your mentors, who are your guides? Right.

I'm gonna say nobody. There's been nobody here. Like the the turnaround here at the Mortal Kombat Company is so quick. Like one minute you see a new guy and you're having fun and laughing, and the next thing you know, he's dead. Oh, dead, dead. Oh, dead. Wow. Yep, turned out he got up. Like burnt out. He got burnt. Oh, just like caught on fire. Yeah, he had to fight some Spectre guy who like came from hell to avenge his family and just my ex-wife, right? Exactly like that. But it's been hard, you know. If anything, there's been well one guy who's really been taking me under his wing, and that's been awesome. His name is uh Prince Goro. Prince Goro. Yeah, he's full of royalty. Yes, yes, he is. He's a real stand-up guy.

What country uh from, you know, yeah, where does he hail from?

He's never really told me personally. He said something about having like con blood or something like that, some kind of bloodline where he's like half-dragging. Like Mongolian, maybe or yeah, he could be from that place, but maybe near like a nuclear reactor or something. He just has an extra set of appendages. The arms nipple arms. Arms, he has a whole set of bottom arms. You know the movie Total Recall, like how that guy opened up his jacket and Guido popped out. Like, imagine that, but with two big muscular arms popping out the bottom. It looked just like that.

Okay. Alright. So when you said under his wing, you meant literally his other set of arms. Like he is you in his grip.

Yeah, he cradles me and treats me nice. And I don't think he knows that I actually work for Mortal Kombat. I think he thinks that I'm just there for his enjoyment.

He Okay, alright.

Well, hey, I mean, it can be a little weird, but that's nice. So you do have you do have friends. Um I think building a strong community is really important if you're going to continue and try to thrive in an environment that can be very cutthroat. Right. Which sounds quite literal in fact. Extremely so uh I mean what what can you do? I I don't like to put you know it on the victim, but like what can you do to make this a more positive work environment? What kind of changes would you make so that Mortal Kombat is a place where people thrive and people want to be or want to participate in?

The the first thing I thought about was hey, let's stop killing our combatants. You know, like apparently that blew a lot of people's minds. That never crossed anyone's mind that there was shocks and gasps, and I was asked to leave. Yeah, something easy, you know. But then I was asked to leave the meeting, which I thought was kind of rude. Like they were like, who the [expletive]'s this guy? And I'm like, let's kick you out of the boardroom. Yeah, [expletive] rude. So after that, I'm like, maybe we need to change it up and get celebrity endorsements. So my first thing was I sent a letter to a man named Johnny Cage. You might have seen him, he's in a couple good movies.

Citizen Cage, love it.

Uh yeah, and then uh Ninja Mime, he's also in that one. Beautiful, beautiful movie. And I may not have told him the entire truth. I was like, hey, word on the street is you're a punk ass [expletive] who can't even do any martial arts. So uh why don't you prove yourself and come down to this com or this tournament, you know, Mortal Kombat with a K. It's edgy. So you deceived somebody. Deceiving's a harsh word. Uh Shang Sung says it's just talking. Got it. Right. Kind of like a moral compass pointing in the wrong direction. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I'm gonna send out a couple more invitations so we get some big names in here, and maybe we can turn this thing around because I'm sure a celebrity death is not gonna be the best for my situation.

So maybe we need to do some real channel. Well, I have a suggestion for you. I know a guy, he works at a rec center, and I think he'd be great for your own. He's uh kind of an undiscovered thing. Ooh, let me take some. He goes by Kung Lu.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, yeah. He does uh he does martial arts at the rec center, and uh, he he sent me uh some some cassettes uh of his work. Yeah he's I don't know, I think I like no I you know nobody knows of him yet. Like I think these are the type of people, like, yeah, you know, the celebrities might work, but that could backfire, you know, they could be really upset.

Average Joes that can rise above the ranks, right?

Yes, I love it. I love it.

I think his name's like like Lu, like I don't I don't know his last name. Okay, but Kung Lu is what he goes by. Okay, I think it's yeah, he goes by Kung Lu. He does not Ligorian, let me tell you. Uh that's not the right term.

Well, I don't know if we could use that because we I don't want Mortal Kombat to be known for whitewashing. Right, yeah, that's right. That would be terrible. Um good call. Well, it's been nice just to like talk about this and everything, you know. Like I feel I feel like a weight's been lifted off my chest.

I'm sorry. Uh let me clean my glasses real quick. I I thought I saw like something blurred behind you. Um, it's weird. No. Well what kind of blur? What were you thinking? Oh, I don't know. Kind of like a chameleon type deal.

Like son of a [expletive], you found me.

I [expletive] knock over some chairs. Like, I may have a [expletive] master's degree, but I know how to defend myself now.

We'll just call it bad. Yeah, [expletive].

It wasn't bad.

All right. And that's I like that you didn't realize I was talking about Kung Lu. Like, I know this guy at the Rick Center, and you're like, okay, let me know. I thought you went to a real character.

Like, oh, he's maybe gonna break up Jax or something.

Uh and that's exactly how the uh real Mortal Kombat movie should have gone. That's how we would have been much happier if that's how the recent 2000 or 2021 Mortal Kombat movies. All right, we got one more for you. Uh I think we're I think we're pretty excited about this. Uh, I want to walk you guys through our train of thought on how we got to this next one. So, Mortal Kombat 2021, which led us to talking about Mortal Kombat in 1996, which led us to talk about Raiden, which led us to talk about the sequel to Mortal Kombat Annihilation, which replaced Raiden's actor to a guy from Pet Cemetery, which brought us to a PTSD skit about Pet Cemetery.

Yes, that is exactly how it went down in the following that very linear uh point of thinking between us.

Just like the meme you talked about. That's how we think here right now. Sonia's [expletive] dumb wall.

[expletive] can't even have a computer. If you don't get that reference we just made, uh go ahead and become patron, because we talk about it in our bonus episode. Yes. Which is it's a slayer.

You'll laugh. It's a slayer.

It's a real fatality.

Okay, so here we are. Uh I'm thinking Pet Cemetery. Now, this is gonna be a little bit pre-movie from what I'm thinking. Um, I want to play as a dog catcher. Now, obviously, at some point, the word on the street is that hey, you need to stop burying your pets there because they come back to life. How did we get to that point? That's what I asked Nate. How did we get there? So I I'm really thinking at some point, all these kids' [expletive] pets were just getting up and roaming around and [expletive] killing people and [expletive]. And there had to have been some kind of gradual thing.

So it wasn't all like cool pets either, like rough dogs and stuff. It was like really like dumb, like guinea pigs and [expletive], like real weird [expletive].

Cockatiel and [expletive], like a zombie cockatiel flying. I don't know if it's still fly if feathers were still work. I don't know how this works. I'm just a dog catcher.

Little bit of context too. Like, I've always thought Pet Cemetery was like a real interesting take on the horror genre because it was like it was kind of campy. Yeah. But it was also like I found it pretty [expletive] scary. Oh, yeah. Like, I don't know what it was. Maybe like even at a young age, I was already de like sensitized to like the killer is a humanoid, you know? Like, or or it's a monster, something fantastical. But my pets seen something really sacred that like imagine like your sweetest little Mr. Pickles, whatever, coming up from the dead and trying to kill you. There was something really more horrifying than other movies when I was younger. Right.

And so Pet Cemetery always like stood out to me as just like a more unique entry in the world.

I think especially when you're young too, because you're like, oh, you mean Mr. Scruffles can come back to life if I just bury him? Yeah. And it turns out that's not Mr. [expletive] Scruffles.

And then to be totally honest, like Hook Line Sink are like, if if you know my my partner died, I would not like bear, I would not try to resurrect my dead spouse, but I would maybe like my favorite pet. I would maybe be like, Well, maybe if I just bury Mr. Scruffles, like maybe I'll come back. I'll come back fine. Right? Like he can't talk, so he can't tell me if he's in like you know, like existential like torture, right? You know, so like I feel like I would be more likely to do a dumb thing, like bury a pet in a pet cemetery than like a person in like the Lazarus pit, you know.

So or especially what if your pet's not even that terrifying? Like, what if it's a goldfish? Yeah, like that South Park. Like, what's he what damage is he really gonna cause? You know, it's just goldfish sitting in a bowl, but now it's a zombie fish. I want a zombie fish. Alright, here we go. Premise. Here we go. Coming.

Hey, uh, how's it going? Oh, it's good. It's good. Uh it's this is my last session for the day. Sun's going down, feeling pretty good.

Uh yeah, sun's going down. You gotta watch yourself out here. I'm gonna go ahead and take a seat. Is that alright?

Yeah, yeah, that's what's important. Awesome. Yeah, thanks for coming out. I know where this is a really uh is my new branch over in a very remote uh location. Um, but thank you, thank you for coming out here.

Probably Maine or something. [expletive] Stephen King's always in Maine and [expletive].

Yeah. Um those you know, you know, those Native American Maine reservations.

Yeah, I'm glad you uh you brought up the Native American thing. I think that has something to do with one of my issues while I'm here. Oh, okay.

All right.

Please tell me more. All right, now the problem is things were going great. You know, for a long time. What things? I'm a I'm a dog catcher by trade. Okay. I catch wild animals. Now that must not be lucrative. It's not very no, I don't I don't have a higher education or anything like that. But it gets done and it's a job that's gotta get yes, job that's gotta get done. And uh it was going great, you know. There's a couple animal bites here and there, but nothing really to like knock your socks off or anything like that. Until they wanted to open up for a new hotel or something like that. There's gonna be a groundbreaking, some kind of road they're bringing in for something like that.

Or I don't really pay attention to much of that stuff, but at the end of the day, they had to knock down some old Indian artifacts to make way for that. And that's when [expletive] started getting real.

Yeah, I'm surprised they got the zoning for that, you know. Like usually these sites are protected, you know, and we don't even own them, you know, the United States doesn't even own some of these, and they apparently just bulldoze that [expletive] right over, didn't they?

I think a guy knew a guy, and even the guy had a bulldozer. Yeah, they might have just did it without an okay or anything because there was protesters out there and everything. There was that druid priestess Greta was out there screaming at people, tied herself to some of them ancient Indian ruins, and she was just screaming her head off, how dare you, you know. I mean, she doesn't really sound she was no, that's just me talking. She doesn't really sound like that, but that was her words of choice. She was just screaming, how dare you? You know, and like at the almost like a warning, you know. Yeah, exactly. Like that. And then there's fire in her eyes, and she was like, the Chadaho Katuki people are gonna seek revenge.

And I was like, I was there trying to wrangle a badger, you know, like out of a hole this whole time. I don't really want to get involved in that [expletive]. I mean, I'm fighting a badger here for Christ's sake, but I did not want to fight that badger woman, Greta. Like, that looked more terrifying. But like everybody else, she had to go take a nap and eat a sandwich at some point, and that's when they snuck in and plowed down all those gravestones and [expletive]. Tragic. Oh, yeah, they didn't even care about it. Like one guy was like, I shouldn't have ate those tacos for lunch, and he hopped out of the bulldozer and took a crap right there in the field. The meantime, I'm like, I can't believe I'm seeing all this stuff.

It's taken me a really long time to catch this bass, but nobody's ever said I've been really great at my job. I'm just the only one to do it.

Sure. Wow. Well, yeah, there's a lot of a lot of problems, but I don't understand necessarily how this all relates to you, except that you took a really long time. Um, how like how has this made your job harder?

Well, it it didn't at first, but then things started happening. And then it didn't at second. Yes, it took a process, you know. But eventually people started like uh the road work didn't plu come out to plot or whatever, you know. And then so it was just a nice open field. And apparently people thought, uh, I'm gonna bury my dead pet there. Excuse me? Yeah, exactly.

I don't know the thought process. Like most people just, you know, like your backyard, you just dig it out, you know. Like I I've never really went to a park or a random field to you know burying. It doesn't make sense. It's probably illegal.

I would assume so, but it doesn't make any sense to me neither. But apparently these people will go [expletive] miles out of their way with old Mr. Pickles in the backseat, dead as a doornail, and bury them in this random field that's obviously a well-known badger habitat. Because I'm constantly up here hunting badgers. Yeah, and Native American historical guy. There was that. I forgot about that already. It's so easy to forget about the poor Native Americans, you know.

There goes that one listener.

Just joking. I love Nightwolf. Um, anyways, uh, so these things happen for a while, and these people just started burying, wrongfully so, on this property. And then they wouldn't stay buried for long. Oh, people were digging them back up. No.

Oh they would dig themselves back up. How does that work? Beats the [expletive] out of me.

Obviously, they're not digging them very deep. Yeah. You know, this thing that just died, its muscle mass is all deteriorated and [expletive], it's just digging itself out. It's impressive, honestly. It really is. It doesn't make sense. It must be some kind of demon strength. But that's fine. They like usually the dogs will find their way back home, and then the family's all like, oh my god, Mr. Pickles, you survived, like, I love you. And then they play, and then next thing you know, the dog's just biting its owner's throat out and [expletive]. You're still wondering where I come into play here. Here we go. It was a long intro, but here it comes. Eventually, people call me Animal Control.

To control this animal, and it ain't no animal, it's a devil hell spawn, and I try to control them as best as I could. Do you think a long stick with a little metal cable ring at the end of it is gonna stop a demon dog? Yes.

Are these only six out of ten times? Okay, sixty percent of the time it does. The other 40%, I gotta be on my toes and my head on a swivel because who knows what these dogs are doing.

And those are just the dogs. The cats are a different story. They'll climb a tree and wait for me to walk because now I feel like they're out to get me. And they'll jump on my back and give me cat scratch fever. It's a real thing. Look it up.

So zombie cats can give you cat scratch fever, and that's their way of that's how they get you.

They'll just scratch you the one time and then you get like this nasty infection on your back.

So I'm gonna write you a prescription. What are you thinking? Um for cat scratch fever? No, uh, I'm thinking uh let's see, delusions, uh rampant imagination, paranoid.

No, I'm telling you, this is the truth. This is the truth.

Are these just wild animals? You know, like uh a wild animal when starved and scared can look like a as quote demon pet.

Absolutely not. I tell you what, this is real. I'll walk you through what I usually do when I fight these animals. I get a call. There's an animal in distress or distress in some people. I eat some magic mushrooms after the call, and then after that, I go and fight the devil animal.

Pause. What is some of this being brought on from the mushrooms? Right? And I I I am actually I I am uh I I give my clients some of these to help them have breakthroughs and then I'm gonna need a prescription for that. Okay, we can maybe try that later, but it's not a tool for like on the job, you know, you know what I'm saying? And it needs to probably be supervised when you when you take those kind of like alternate chemical.

No, it's honestly the only way this job's getting done. Have you ever met an animal catcher? They don't want to do this job. I gotta be high as a kite just to get through the day, you know. I tried reading, but then you got scratches on your fingers or like bird [expletive] on you. It's getting on the book. You don't want that, so all I do is I get really high and then I go and fight these devil creatures.

It's tough because at first I thought maybe the trouble with your job was maybe like dead animals coming back to life, but I actually just think you have a drug addiction.

No, not at all. Not at all.

I need to get me some Pseudofed later from the store. Remind me that I gotta melt it down and cook up some meth with the math teacher at the local school.

Um, wow, so much to unpack here. So alright. I'll I'll I'll play with you for a sec, right? Okay. So you catch the demon animal, right? That's right, yep. But it's already dead. Correct. So what what happens? You just have a cage you have a bunch of cages back at the shop with demon animals that can't die? No, what I do is find them new homes, like you train them? Like what what's going on?

Now, this is the way I normally dispose of them. Now, don't tell nobody this, it's kind of illegal. But you can't kill what's already dead. Everybody who was ever relationship, yeah. Everybody who's seen an episode of D-Hunters knows that. It's the best show out there right now, D-Hunters. Now, all I do is I shackle some heavy weights to these critters and go to the local lake and just toss them in there.

Oh, nice. Kind of like uh what they did with Godzilla and uh freaking Megatron.

Yes, exactly like that.

It didn't work for either of them.

Well, this time it does work because uh these anchor or yeah, these critters uh sink down to the bottom where they're shackled. They're still alive, mind you, it's still a little bit snippy, but nobody's swimming in that lake.

So your solution to the illegal pet cemetery is an illegal sunken uh pet.

An illegal underwater pet cemetery. See, it's it's better because it's underwater.

I just uh I think there's just a lot of lot of things to unpack here. Um what kind of growing up, like why aside from not being good at clearly anything else, correct? I feel like there's some trauma that we don't what tell me about your first pet. Maybe this is what's causing some of the delusions around the pet center.

Well, for the longest time my parents never let me have a pet. So I would I would make my own pets usually out of play-doh, and they'd get hard and dry up and fall apart, and then I'd have a funeral for them. Because, like, mm, you know, there's a little cat I made, and his head fell off, and I felt so bad about it.

I thought, man, if there's only some way I could bring this little kitten back to life. This Play-Doh kitten.

Ah, okay. So this stems from an early age, this obsession with uh death and rebirth. Right, yeah. What else is dead in your life that maybe maybe it's not about the pets? Maybe you're trying to bring something else back to life.

Well, I got gout. Does that count? No. No, I got diabetes.

Okay, great. All right. So we're gonna go ahead. We're gonna do that.

We're gonna um You're gonna write me that prescription for the mushrooms, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead. Because I just frankly, whether I do or not, you're still gonna go pick up that pseudoped and I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna cook some meth. But I want you to do some exercises, you know. Um, I want you to work on letting go and moving on. So the next time you see an animal, you just or you have a traumatic experience, you need to let go. Like I forgive you, you know, you get cat scratch fever, I I accept it, I move on, all right? And you just just move past it, all right? And maybe this will help you detach from this insane theory of animals rebirthing and trying to terrorize your life.

You know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna try that. I always uh I've been saving on my vacation time.

I always want vacation time as a dog catcher?

I do, yeah. It's uh it's a government job. Still a couple benefits. Cool. Not a lot. But uh I always wanted to go on safari, you know, to Africa and see the lions. I think I'm gonna get face to face with one of them lions and tell them I forgive them. Is that what you're saying?

Well, our session's over, and uh I'm not even sure your card's gonna charge. So uh yeah, that sounds great. Uh let me know. Hit me up after that that safari goes and we'll we'll we'll work on the next day. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just give me that script and then I'll be on my way. Thank you. Alright, thanks. Alright, I I'm really excited. Uh honestly, the next time we do PTSD, I think we're gonna do the uh the Batman interrogation. I think that'll be great. We'll switch up a little bit, change the formula. Um but I really I really enjoyed your your More Combat PR guy. Um I think that was a lot of fun. Um I just I love to imagine like real jobs and real people behind these like imaginary scenarios.

It's just the funniest too.

I always try to make them into pieces of [expletive] anyway. So it doesn't matter.

Like they always are trash. Um thank you so much for listening this week. Uh we, of course, will see you next week. Uh if you have an iPhone or you're using Apple Podcasts, or even if you're not using Apple Podcasts, just go ahead and hop in Apple Podcasts, and I'll say it seven more times, and leave us a review. That's where I'm getting with this. Leave us a review. It helps just uh other people find our content, helps rank us up just ever so slightly. Um if you want to see any of our bonus content, you know, our our creative process, our our take on Mortal Kombat, our reactions to things, or unaired episodes and stuff, check out our Patreon. Uh it is we haven't said it in a while. Just a dollar.

Just a dollar. God damn. I know.

And be sure to tell your friends, family, anybody can uh help us out, you know, share the word. And uh stay tuned with us as we progress to season two of Nat One Presents, and we're gonna bring some things to the table. Fun things, streaming and more. So more to come. We will see you next week.

Bye.