Roleplay for One | The Heist

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On this episode of Nat One Presents.

She was just gonna leave with the money, but now she's getting a free toaster. She's [expletive] sticking around. I think that's the toaster.

Like if this was set in current times, there would be you in the earpiece, like, oh letits, get out of there. Get out of there now. No, hold on. Get out of there, Letits. No, just wait.

Adventure. Heartwarming stories. Role-playing that could only be seen by the gods. Here at Nat One Presents, you get all that and more. Now join us as we start another epic tale of con.

Just kidding. This is Nat OnePresent, a tabletop role-playing game podcast that takes your favorite nerdy games and pop culture icons and ruins them with improv. Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the podcast. Hey Nate. Hey Nate.

How's it going?

It is Peach Keen.

Ooh, I wish I could say the same.

Um, I got in trouble the other day. Trouble? Yeah, I had to go talk to HR at the company I work for. I want to say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Well, it's uh not the first time I've been taking to HR, and it probably won't be the last, but it was just for a joke, go figure. Me, a guy who makes jokes. Uh was it because it was a really funny joke? No, it was a terrible joke. It wasn't even one of my best jokes. It was kind of a joke that uh 12 other people have said, so that's actually what brought me in there. But we had a nice little chat, you know, it wasn't anything too menacing.

She just wanted to see where it was coming from, and I respected that, you know. She could have easily got me in trouble. And then, you know, things could have took a dark turn, went down a slippery slope, but it didn't. Handled everything like adults, and I'd say I'm an adult. That's that is very mature of you. Yeah, you're welcome. I want to know what the joke is though, because this could scale from ha ha, like you look funny to being like sexist. So it was where was it?

On a one, you know, that's a joke, but one to ten, how offensive would you say?

I'm gonna say it was probably be around a three mark. Okay, so it was like insensitive, yeah, more than yes. I would say that more than anything. It was I'm an expert on uh the the HR uh insult level on the uh indoor working culture. Indoor working culture, yeah. It's a different world on the outside, you know? Yeah, you're uh because you got one of those like what was it, blue-collar jobs? Yes, white collar, yeah, blue. So yeah, I I would expect stuff like that, right? Like where I work from, we have like like we have Zoom meetings where we just talk about feelings. But uh your job, I expect you guys to have like a sense of humor, to like kind of poke fun of each other.

But maybe if someone says their feelings got hurt, then some guy probably in the back who was only half listening to the story was like [expletive]. That's pretty much uh the life that we live. Well, in real talk, cool of you to be mature about it, cool of you not to roast this HR person and to just own it and move on. I accept it. Yeah, like it's almost like it doesn't need to be a thing. Like we can just make things not a thing and just take criticism.

I'm more upset that it wasn't about one of my good jokes.

Now, if it was about one of my good jokes, I'm taking that thing down. Like I'm sinking this whole ship, you know? I could see that. I could see that. Yeah, I get pretty worked up about it, but it was a stupid joke, so I accept it. Good. I uh I've never been in trouble with HR. Never? The closest thing that happened with me with HR was that I walked out of a meeting where I was being forced to resign and then I was fired. And HR was like, they sent me my like termination papers. And I was like, oh hey, nice of you to show up. Like, thanks for protecting me when I was being like basically abused by my employer. Um, I don't know.

So this HR person you worked with sounds like a great person. Yes, she is. I am very skeptical of HR. I'm one of those like they're there to protect the company, not the people, which is maybe a little over the top, but man, like I I don't know. I've heard some horror stories. If we've learned anything from the office, it's [expletive] HR. [expletive] HR. Toby. No, HR people are great. I don't know. It all depends on the company, I think, and the person working. Yeah, I think so, and who their boss is too. I think that's like I've actually never met an HR person I don't like, right? But I've that's their they've had to enforce policies though that I've not liked.

And that's like sometimes I I personally can't always separate the person from the policy. And so that's tough too, because that's like a weird, like right in the middle position between management and then like actual worker workers. Like that's a weird spot to be. It's a lose lose. Like, oh yeah, hats off, hard job to do, wouldn't it? Kudos to you, kudos to you, unnamed HR. Not Toby. So what are we doing today, Nate? Today we're gonna have another little episode of Call of Cthulhu. We're back. We are back. Same universe-ish? Yes. It's always in the same, it's the universe of my mind. I mean that sounds terrifying. That is the scariest thing I've ever said into this microphone.

Um, so the story didn't end, or the universe didn't end when Rusty died.

We don't know maybe what point in time that was, past, present, whatever, but the uh the box is still still around. Yes. Or or no. Uh the box, um, because what happened with the box? Chris's character, what was his name, the old man? Who knows? God, he's only got so many lines, you know. And a lot of them are yeah. Uh well uh Bruce? Bruce, yeah. It was Bruce. It was Bruce. Okay. Uh he ended up doing something with the box, I think, towards the end. Now, there is gonna be a cameo in this one of the box, so we'll see how it goes. Yeah, okay. So we are still very much in the role play for one of your mind. Yep. Oh, and sadly, no Chris today for this episode.

He's not feeling good, and we wish him to feel better. Get better soon. Now, and if you want to help pay his medical bills, feel free to join the Patreon. A quick plug there. It's just a dollar. It's just a dollar help our friend. Not his medical bill, but the dollar subscription that we can use to maybe pay. Which we won't, but we'll say maybe. Yeah, to clarify, we're not going right. That's all right. Where are we going with this?

Um, it's just a dollar uh playing collaquu today.

Uh just me and Nate. That's the that's some TLDR. That's exactly where we're at. Um, so I think to start off, I want to call this episode the heist. Now, for intro, since we're jumping right into it. All right, Nate, will you explain who your character is and what like he's about kind of deal? Sure. Well, and another thing for our fans, uh, just like way back in the day, we talked about how much I love trains. I also love heist movies. Um, I like uh the only thing better would be a heist movie on a train, which I'm pretty sure exists.

I should have done that.

Uh, but anyway, so I'm I love to play into those stereotypes. So I am playing Dan the Man with the plan. Oh no, Dan the Plan Vermilion. Dan is what I went with. Uh he is kind of he's your your uh what Brad Brad Pitt from Oceans 11. He's your your womanizer, your smooth, suave. You don't really know what his role is except to get everybody else together and then do what he wants. Uh so that kind of like the guy with the connections, the manipulator. We'll say, you know, whatever, six foot, uh ruggedly handsome, that kind of that kind of thing. Um, and then should I give all the details I gave and the profile? Um maybe we can work into it. We can work into it. Yeah, so he can work into it.

He he uh he's really into heist. He I will say he uh he tried to retire, but just nothing gets him going like a good heist uh and he always gets pulled back in. Right, that old shtick.

So now where we start off is Dan the Plan recently got a letter to have a meeting with uh an unnamed uh helper, if you will, that is going to basically he has a job for him, and now we roll into like a little cafe area, and um Dan the Plan for Million walks into the cafe and sees a short, pudgy guy with a trench coat and the hat, the whole 1920s, like, here's looking at you, kid, like kind of get up, uh sitting in the the far back booth, and he kind of like glances over at you, and you notice he has a weird cross-shaped scar across his eye, and he kind of like gives you the look like, yeah, I'm the one you need to talk to.

Come have a seat, kind of look. Yeah, okay, so uh Dan will walk over and uh he'll just take a seat himself and uh nice weather we're having, huh? I'd agree very much, Mr. Vermilion. Is it? Yes, that's right. You can call me Dan. Okay, Dan. It's a pleasure to meet you. I heard you're uh a man who can accomplish a task for me. Me, no, I I know people who accomplish the task for me, so I know people who are gonna accomplish tasks for me for you. Okay, it's kind of an indirect thing. Right, a very roundabout way, but as long as the job gets done, Dan.

Yeah, I have no actual practical skills, uh, in fact.

Yeah.

Yeah. I okay. I'm glad you're the guy I contacted for this.

Hello, a [expletive], right?

You son of a [expletive], I mean. Son of a [expletive].

Well, it just so happens if you'll uh take a seat here, I have a couple things I want to go over with you. And uh maybe you are the man who can assemble the men and do this job for me.

To get people to do this job. Yes, yeah, correct. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I hold I should probably write this down.

A lot of information going on.

Yeah, uh before that, uh uh yes, waiter. Uh yeah, an old fashioned please. Thank you. Uh I don't I don't know why waiters bring. We're not, I guess we're not at a bar, but yeah, I order a drink. You got it, doll.

One current fashion coming up. It's so stupid. Uh no, this is the plan. Are you familiar with the new bank uh inside Arkham that they have just built?

Oh yeah, state of the art. Yep, yep, yep. Has that brand new German uh locksmith guy. Uh he uh insured and guaranteed the whole thing with his own fortune. Exactly. I'm glad you're on top of it.

Well, it just so happens that I have snuck out some blueprints to said bank.

And he slides them over to you. Wow. They just they print these, huh? Well, it looks like a print, but that's actually hand painted. So you snuck out a hand-drawn. Yeah, excellent. Yeah, these are this is this is yeah. This could do. Yeah. Uh side note, that actually is a uh bank layout uh from a 1920s floor plan for a bank in Canada, I believe. Oh, that is cool. I could also go on a rant about how my spouse works at a bank, and I've learned all kinds of weird things about security banks. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh now I'm nervous. But very cool. Well, yeah, we'll we'll work it in. I'm sure it's nothing like it was back then. Uh yeah, this is uh this is a good start.

I could uh I could make a plan with this. All right. Now the only objective here is to steal one item from this bank that I know for a fact is inside this location. That might be a problem for uh Pam Sticky Fingers. She uh she's never stolen just one item in her life. Well, you need to keep your crew under control because it's just the one thing that I'm looking for.

And it is a book. We've this was smuggled out of Russia. It was some microfilm.

Yeah, you have to specify the medium of every and that's the that's the book we're looking for.

You can tell from its weird archaic markings on the cover and what looks to be some kind of squid octopus creature on the front. Either way, that's no concern. Kind of like a seaman. Yeah, it looks like it's full of semen.

This is the the book that you want to steal for me. Yeah, I mean so we can only steal one thing.

Correct.

Or are you only care about one thing? I only care about the one thing. But excellent. Because we're not about uh single item heists here uh at crew I've not yet assembled. I don't care what else you do as long as you get me that book. I'm gonna want that in writing, but you got it. Do you have any questions? Hmm. Well, I'm assuming you're going to reimburse us for the costs. It's uh very expensive to get a crew together. Um, the equipment, you know, there's no guarantee we'll be able to smuggle all this stuff out uh to refinance, you know.

He kind of gives you like a disheveled look, like uh, and then he reaches down there to the table and pulls out a briefcase and kind of passes it over to you and like gives you the nod kind of deal.

Like that's your upfront payment. Uh I try to open it, but it has like a combination lock on it. He's like, oh [expletive]. And like reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little piece of paper, and you're like six, twelve, twenty-two. A twelve. A combination. All right. Uh yeah, yeah. This uh this can work.

All right, very well. Uh little side note for you the guards have been paid off. So this needs to happen within two weeks.

Two weeks.

I know it's not a lot of time, but that's the window that we have.

Every high skick I've ever done takes at least three weeks to assemble. Look at me, look at me. Look at me, handsome blue, smoky eyes. He's got like a little bit of drool coming out. He's like, I'm your guy, but I'm gonna need more time.

Alright, I'll push it back to three weeks and that's it. And I've also uh gained you access to a hotel room across the street from there. It uh overlooks the bank itself, and that can be your base of operations. Excellent.

I'll have to pay out some more money to get another week's stay out of the place, but I guess we'll make do. Yeah, well, you know, I'm gonna fit my whole crew in one bedroom, so I think we we're both making a sacrifice there. It's a nice, it's a nice place. It's a it's a suite.

I'm sorry, I feel like we're off on the wrong point here. Uh I'm very appreciative of everything you're doing, and I I really look forward to it.

It just it just doesn't feel like that, you know. Like I'm coming to you with this job and a briefcase full of money, and I basically have everything laid out for you, and you admitted to me right off the bat that you're just a middleman.

Like snuck out of Russia, okay?

Listen, I'm the guy. I'm gonna make it happen. I'm Dan the Plan. You came to me for a reason, right? I didn't come to you, you came to me.

That's true, Dan. That's true.

What's your name? I need and who are you?

Uh you can call me DuPier. Uh Dupier. Like one name? It's kind of French. Yeah.

Kinda. There's like a duer. Yeah, and then like a big D, little U, big P, uh I E R.

Dupe du Pier. Alright, yeah, that's great. I I knew a Du Boy is once, but uh Oh Jackie, yeah, he's a cousin of mine. Alright, well, three weeks, even with three weeks, isn't a lot of time, so I I need to get to work. Uh yeah, is there any contacts I'll have to reach out to once I'm there? I'll get a hold of you after the job has been done. Oh, that's really big. Um I'll be watching you. That's really not big. All right. No, excuse me. And he kind of like gets up and then uh he like turns and like looks like he's kind of lost a little bit, and then he's like, oh okay, and then like leaves the diner.

Okay.

What uh what time era is this? Uh this is supposed to be the 20s.

Okay.

Um was there there was payphones in the 230? I think so. No, [expletive] it, because I'm giving the [expletive] bank fluorescent lighting at this point. Okay, so it doesn't [expletive] matter. We're gonna say there's a payphone. Yeah, there's a pay phone. Carrier pigeon. Right, okay.

Yeah, so I'm gonna uh go on to the pay uh go up to the payphone, dial some whatever, and uh yep, yep, he delivered exactly what he said he would.

Uh let's uh let's assemble. Okay. Click. Okay. And then uh after this point, we'll uh fast forward and uh to you guys. I take two and a half weeks to like leisurely travel with all the money. I like stop and visit family like on the way.

Like, well, if I'm gonna do a trip, I might as well like I didn't need any of that money you gave me. The crew's already here.

I told them to bring their own snacks and [expletive].

That's what I imagine when I called.

Okay, so uh you call up your crew and uh let's do a little like uh montage [expletive] thing of the the crew you're gonna ensemble and bring together.

So the the first one we have, and uh me and Nate discussed this uh beforehand before we started this. So uh Chris's character was gonna be Joey Three Toes, and he's not here, so obviously we still have to have Joey Three-toes in it because I really like that name. So we've got Joey Three-toes. Uh for the life of me, I can't remember the description Chris gave me because I am a terrible friend, and usually when someone talks to me, I'm usually thinking about something else.

I've already forgot what you just said.

So I exactly. We're terrible people, and that one presents. Thank you for your dollar. Thank you. Uh next, we have Ace uh safe cracker, Benny the Brit. Now, Nate, how would you uh describe, you think, Benny the Brit? Uh he has like uh he wears a toupee. He uh kind of tall, lanky, like wears a suit that's maybe a size or two too big for him, uh, but he thinks it fits immaculately. Um he says he has a um who's the guy's that like fit clothes in to you? A tailor. He says he has a tailor, he doesn't. Oh, okay. Um and he has a really fake accent. Like, we don't even think he's really British. Okay. Is uh kind of the thing. Um but he tries real hard to like pull it off.

Okay, okay. Um that's all I'll say. All right. And this is important for me as well because I have to try to role play these [expletive]. So next, uh, this voice I might force Nate to do because it is a female voice. Uh this next character is going to be Boozy Letits. She's a uh French.

Uh can you believe you had to talk to HR?

I can't believe it, man.

Who would have thought? And people see I need to watch my language on the podcast, my mom and my CEO. Like, what do you guys know? You know, I live in the real world where Boozy Letits is a character in the game I play on a podcast. [expletive] it. I'm being boozy latits today. So we got Boozy Letits. She is French, she excels in the art of seduction. She's kind of like uh like Betty Boop if she like let herself go. I'm imagining. Yeah, like she used to be hot back in the day, and now she's like a little bit. Yeah, okay. I'll try to try to hand bone that up a little bit, I guess. And then uh after that, of course, it is you, Dan, the plan vermilion. So we have our crew.

Now, is there anything um you guys would like to do before we roll into the night of the heist? Like any planning or anything you would like to set up beforehand? Yeah. Um I mean, I don't I don't actually know the details of the heist that we've organized yet, but um oh, I want to review the have I been contacted about the guards that have been paid off? Oh, yes. So you did receive a letter from Dupeer, and one guard is definitely on the payroll, and uh the night, let's say 11 o'clock PM, he is going to be opening up the side entrance to have a smoke, and from there he will leave that door unlocked as he works his way around the perimeter. So that is your window to enter said bank.

Okay.

Uh this structure is only a bank. There is no like, oh, there's not like a casino or anything like that. No, no, no. It's only a bank, and it's a really fancy bank from the layout. So it does have a basement in it, and based on the map, the the vault is down in the basement, as well as um what sorry, I gotta read along. The uh the boxes, the safety deposit boxes are also down in the basement. There are uh book vaults, which I'm assuming is like for paperwork and [expletive], like that kind of thing, like loan documents and things like that, that kind of vault. And then you have your tellers on your side.

But because this is a nicer bank, uh, besides the basement with the the vault and then the boiler room and [expletive], it actually has it upstairs with what would you call that, like a foyer, with like the walkway, with uh, and that's what these are, all little tables and chairs where people can have like business meetings and [expletive] inside the bank while they're there. And it's all like marble floors with like red carpet going down the center and like nice marble columns and all that kind of stuff inside.

Listen up, gang. This might be the easiest heist we've ever done. We've never had an inside man, we've always had to do it ourselves. Boozy, I don't even know why I brought you. There's no one to charm in sight.

I think I'll find a way to charm someone.

Yeah, well, how about you find a way to take a shower because you reek?

That's just my French nature.

Cherry Algovna, I'm with Boozy!

Yeah, Benny, tone it down. You're not fooling anybody here. Save it for the top of the morning. Every pa thank god you're good at your job because honestly, listening to you is just the worst.

Grabbing safes and sipping tea.

Thanks. Thanks, Penny. Joey, you're the only one I like here. I've mentioned that, right?

Yes.

Maybe it's the three toes or the soft spoken nature, but you're the only one I feel I can count on. When [expletive] goes down, I know you you're there with the uh the goods.

Okay.

Awesome. Yeah. I'm doing my best to channel correctly. Yeah, I know exactly.

Like, yeah, see, always filled with good ideas that are my ideas. So well, listen, this is uh I know I said the last heist would be the last heist, but you know, I just I can't can't get enough.

And uh this is this will probably be it. So let's bring it in one more time. Let's have uh cheers, cheers to uh Dupier uh to the excessive amount of money we convinced him to give us and time, honestly. Cheerio and uh so I think we said 11 p.m. Yes uh of this this day, this evening, or yeah, we'll say now, uh and all that stuff. And then yeah, so if you're ready. Um yeah. Uh before that, I want to say I want to say that that happened a little bit earlier, and I want to send boozy in to uh just like scope around the bank so she's gonna go like request a loan. Oh, she must like open a checking account, a savings account.

Okay.

Um so she's dressed in like uh the scarf going on with like the dark glasses. She looks [expletive] super suspicious. Her uh boozy latits are all hanging out of her blouse and stuff, which is extremely outrageous for the 20s. Um okay, and she walks in if you want to be the um bank teller guy, I guess. Yes, welcome, my lady. What can I do for you?

Yes, darling. I would love.

Sorry, something caught up, just caught a whiff of.

Oh, let me put my arms down. Sorry about that. Um now, where was I? Excuse me. Oh, it's those damn French cigarettes I've been smoking non-stop. Uh-huh. Now, I would like to open up a checking account if you wouldn't mind.

And she like put laser [expletive] like on top of the table. Oh, yes, absolutely. We can help you with that. Uh, what size? I mean, uh, about how big uh much, how much do you plan on depositing into your account?

I'll deposit whatever I can take, and I can take a lot if you know what I'm saying.

Money-wise, I got $2,000 at last.

Yes, yes, right, right. Well, uh, he like fans himself like he is uh limit, somebody who can help you uh right away.

Uh uh in the meantime, uh uh Jerry, will you come uh show this woman around? Uh we have uh meeting space uh in the foyer uh that you can wait and we'll see.

Very well, Jerry.

Jerry is a you look like a big strong glass of water. He's like he he's um a little person.

Oh Jerry, uh you deceived me there. You were standing on that tall soapbox.

It's alright, Jerry. You could easily fit in all my crevices, and I don't mind one iota.

Yeah, you look very familiar. Have I seen you before?

Absolutely not. I am new to town, I am from Canada.

Hey Pierre, I think that's that uh I think this is that famous that that actress from the United States who got drunk on set. No from the silent pictures, yeah. No, your uh what's what's her name? Cheryl Um uh Brown. Yeah, Cheryl Brown.

No, that's not me, darling. That's just some other look-alak thing. I've never anyways, let's just get to the checking account thing at hand, okay? And maybe I'll let you get a sneak peek at what I got underneath my vault.

Okay, sure, sure, yeah. And uh he uh he takes you upstairs. Uh it's a lot of stairs.

Um You sure have strong calf muscles for a little man.

And then uh we're gonna say that uh I feel like I'm DM and now. This is great. Um it's a twist. Uh and the guy who like checked you in, he like goes in and like calls in, like, yeah, we have a suspicious person.

Uh you know, yeah, uh they they they give it like a code, like we have a 917 uh drunk, big bosomed woman trying to pretend to open a bank account. Uh should we send someone up?

Uh yeah, 10-4. You're gonna want to have someone send up on that.

Okay. Um, so does uh man, uh who I don't know who's running the show now, but I don't know, just keep it going.

Does Boozy notice uh he's like over like at a counter?

Who let me [expletive] roll for it?

Yeah, roll for it. Apparently we're swooping it out.

Who's let me [expletive] roll for it?

You can play too, Nate. Yeah, 55. Um, that's you don't even have a scores to roll against. Yeah, it's above average. Uh I'm gonna say it's uh a fail. I don't notice. Yeah, boozy doesn't notice Boozy Letits. Okay, yeah, so uh uh what was it, Jerry? Uh yeah, Jerry the Midget. Um and yeah, we'll have somebody write with you, Miss Uh Latits.

Oh, thank you very much, Jerry. You are kind as you are tall.

Was that an insult?

I didn't know what else to say. Your height is just really distracting to me. I've never seen such a listen.

All right, fake mole. You obviously penciled that in before you even got here, all right? How dare you do it? And I deal with real celebrities all the time who make probably a lot more than you actually do.

But nope, let me go get your uh bank associate. I'm sure you uh can sign up for a free toaster or something to that effect.

And get me a glass of ice water while you're at it. With real ice.

Alright, he's gonna go downstairs.

He'll talk to uh the initial again, uh the person who like greeted her in the doorway and is just like, yeah, this chick's not for real. Yeah, I picture uh Boozy being really upset that her looks aren't getting her through this.

And she's like, even though this is what happens every time, she's powdering her face like that short son of a [expletive].

And it's not like like beauty powder, it's just like like baby powder. Yeah, it's nasty.

Like she's not an attractive woman. Um I'm gonna say that uh Boozy was tasked with um just like confirming that the blueprint like everything seemed to like match. All right, well let me roll then for it. And where the that and also so do maybe do two rolls. Okay. Uh 41's good. I'll say anything under 50 is pass over 50. I dig it. And then give me one more for identifying where the guard is gonna let us in in any obstruction that might happen. That's a fail. Wait, yes, that's a fail. It's a 92. Okay, so so nothing about the side door, but the plans are making sense. Okay, looks good.

Um, so uh uh a bank associate and a security looking kind of guy seem to come up together to like your your meeting space.

Oh, dude, declare such attention for little oh me. Just opening up a medium-sized bank account.

Yes, ma'am, Morgan and Eda, do you have the check or funds available with you right now?

We see you didn't bring any kind of briefcase or oh no, I have it stashed away.

And then she like starts reaching down into her bra or whatever, into her bosom, and just pulls out like a big old stack. It's like actual like money. Uh US. Wow, okay. Where are we again? Do we do we ever establish a country or uh we're still in the United States. We're in uh the normal place that all the Cthulhu runs. It's uh Arkham, Massachusetts. Oh, it's Arkham, okay. Uh so then the guy who comes upstairs is like, uh Walter, I don't think we'll be needing you any shoes. The he shoes the security guide away.

Bye-bye, Walter.

Miss Letits. Uh let's see. Uh 2,000. Excellent. Yes, we can we can sign you up for that. Um let me just get your pip work together. Uh uh I have to go downstairs. We have this uh bookkeeping room where we keep a little bit.

Very well, shall I uh accompany you into that back room?

Oh no, that's literally against protocol. That would be a good one. Oh, I understand.

Now, as a side note, would you happen to point me to the side exit? Um It's against my religion to enter the way I came out, if you know what I'm saying.

No, I I don't. What what religion?

It's a new thing that's going on right now. It's uh analism. What goes in doesn't come out if you know what I'm saying.

Say less.

Um very well. Yeah. She's got like food in her teeth.

Uh you can't actually see because we're right above we're actually above the side exit. We we we seated you uh so actually if you were to like go the other side or come back down the stairs, you would see. Well let me just lean over that railing a little bit.

Like, oh well, top heavy. Whoopsie days, oh no, I'm slipping. Help me.

Oh, careful there.

Uh you're not gonna try to help me. Oh no, yeah. Really slipping right here.

Sure.

Okay, I'll go, I'll go and uh Oh, thank you, kind sir. She's like patting you down. Hold on, I'm gonna roll for something.

Yeah. Oh no, that fails. I pat you down. I was trying to lift your wallet, but it didn't work out.

Should have slapped my ass. Like, wow, you are you are a hell of a woman, Miss Letits.

Oh, I try my darndest darling. I try.

Okay, well, why don't you go sit down, stay away from any railings, edges, any any possible, you know, dangers, and I will go get your paperwork all ready.

Oh, good thinking.

And one of those newfangled toaster machines. Uh, I can hook you up with one of those uh if you uh you say the right.

That's the thing that you just plug in and it toasts your bread for you. Yeah. The marvels of science. She was just gonna leave with the money, but now she's getting a free toaster. She's [expletive] sticking around. She wanted to think that's the tester.

Like, if this was in current times, there would be you and the earpiece, like, uh letits, get out of there. Get out of there now. No, hold on. Get out of there, Letits. No, just wait.

I say we just wrap it and it cuts back to like she was supposed to come back and not actually like deposit any money, and she actually like deposited all the money.

Comes back with her toaster.

Oh, goddammit, Letits.

Mission successful boss.

Alright, what do the plans match?

Oh, y yes, absolutely. And the the side entrance is open and available, and I did believe I ran into our guard. I gave him a wink, and just like every other man, he gave me a wink back.

Yeah, I don't believe that for a minute. Um his name supposedly is Walter. Does that line up?

Yes.

Boozy.

I might have gotten distracted with a free gift, but that's not the point of anything.

What is a free gift?

Don't worry about it.

Well, I mean, what's that? You have a you have it in your hands, won't you?

No, that's not.

You looking at my breasts?

Is that a toaster?

That's what's it's a new toaster. It's fire engine red.

Oh my god, you you didn't actually open an account, did you?

Yes, I lost $2,000 in the exchange. But we can get it back tonight when we rob the joint, I promise. I just didn't know where they keep the toasters, is all. I know where they keep the money.

You know this only costs three dollars.

No, that's not how it works. I gave the man two thousand. This is obviously a two thousand dollar toaster. I know.

It burns bread, that's all it does. How could that possibly cost two thousand dollars? It's slightly burned. I can do it for you right now without a toaster. It slightly burns bread.

Joey, give me your give me your cigar. And just holds it over a piece of bread. There you go. There you go. Thanks, Cherry. You always got my back.

Oh, you make a toast!

Alright, let's go to bed. We gotta uh an early night tonight or late night or whatever.

Cherry L then.

That's uh Benny. So give me the layout of this suite. I know we're not supposed to, we're gonna do what we always do and spend 30 extra minutes in the exposition, but yeah, what's the layout? I'm a mat I'm just very concerned where Benny is and how loud he is around other people. So okay, so uh yeah, you guys probably uh are in a nice hotel, but you do have basically the entire floor to yourself, or maybe even just the half floor with the windows open up to the bank. He paid for this for three weeks. Yes, that's why he was really upset about showing for another week. So um, yeah, but basically you are the only people on that floor.

Okay.

Uh great. Yep. The let's say there's like four bedrooms in there, and then like, oh, a nice little like living quarters in there. It's meant for like it's like a studio type thing. It's meant for like extended stays for the rich. Got it, got it. Okay. Um, well, Benny, feel free to, you know, go to your space and then we'll uh meet up what like 10 30. Cheerio. Is that the only word you know? It's like literally you watch like my fair lady, and like that's that's poppycock. Okay, great, good night. Umplug that that [expletive] toaster, I swear to god.

Oh, sorry about that. We don't need 20 more pieces of toast. I want to get my money's worth out of it. And I didn't get any butter. Just dry toast. Dan, if you need any uh company while we wait for the.

That's fine, Joey's sleeping in my room. Yeah, I'm sleeping in there tonight. I hope it's okay. You know it's always good with me, Joey. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, Boozy, you're dismissed.

Oh, well, very well. I guess. Okay.

And then uh you guys rest up. Yep. And then basically 10, 10:30 rolls around, and everybody's uh getting geared up, ready to go next door. Okay. Uh you can synchronize your pocket watches, but I'm sure there's some [expletive] cliche watch or clock tower [expletive] down the street that just so happened to be there. Maybe even on the [expletive] bank itself. Like dung dung. And then uh here comes 11 o'clock right on the uh the dot. And then you guys are kind of waiting in the back alley, and then you see uh what did we decide his name was? Walter. Walter. Walter. Walter was in on the take.

He uh opens up the door and peeks out, looks around, and then puts like a door stop right there, and then lights up a cigarette and starts making his way around to the back side of the building. Here's our chance. Boozy your first because I need to keep an eye on you.

Benny, don't no, don't say anything. Don't, don't. You are the least ambiguous bird. I don't even know why we bring you the vault. That's right. That's what you're here. Yeah, nope, don't tell me.

Okay, okay. Yes. Uh, and then Joey, I can always count on you. Yeah, no problem, boss. I'm here for you. That is the exact amount of decibels that I want to hear from any of you. This is me yelling at you right now. And I've never been more aroused.

Oh, okay, cool. Like right now, because of the heist or what?

Oh, I mean, no, I get like this all the time, you know, especially around you know attractive uh women did stuff.

Who the [expletive] you talking about, boozy? That's disgusting. I've been turtling up ever since she got on the crowd.

Alright, they uh they what they gotta wait a few more minutes and then they they head in.

Uh yeah, you uh you guys can basically wait for him to walk right around that back corner and then you walk in, and it's the bank you've seen before, except now all the lights are off and everything. Um the elevators are still currently look like they're working. The little like light is on, and there is one office, let's say right here off to the side a little bit, that does have a light on in there, and you see someone moving around in there, probably another security guard, and there is a loud radio going on right now. Like bum bum bum bum bum bum, whatever [expletive] music they listen to in the morning. Okay.

Um uh see. All right, uh Benny. Uh, I need you to stay out of sight. Uh Joey, you're up.

Uh what is Joey's skill? Did we ever establish what I could all I remember is he's three toes, but I don't remember if he can actually do anything. I assumed his name was Joey Three Toes because he was slow like a sloth. That was and it's super quiet.

But he's probably like the violent guy.

Yeah, let's say yeah, he's the violent guy. He's the when things turn south, he's got like uh Boondock Saints, the dad [expletive] whole vest full of guns and [expletive]. Okay, gotcha.

I don't know why, but that made me think of Atlantis and like the mole guy.

I can see that, yeah.

Um okay, so uh uh Joey post, you know, uh keep make sure that guy doesn't come out of his room. You got it, boss. Maybe uh lock him in there, if you know what I mean. Yeah, you got it.

Um well if you need me to, I can go in there and no suck him off.

Oh, excuse me, it's those French cigarettes. How do you say seduce him?

You don't, Cheryl. Not you, anyway.

All right, listen, we have to split up. Uh Benny, you know, start heading toward the elevators for the vault. Uh Boozy, I need you to uh show me where they keep uh the books and uh the paperwork. That's probably the first guess. I don't know how important this book is. I'm assuming it's in the main vault, but just in case we need to make sure we're checking all all outlets. Um so show me what they they saw the other day when you signed up for a $2,000. Hold on.

I drew a map. It's all sweat. This was a terrible idea.

Um, since it was just today, I remember they took me down to the safety deposit boxes, and it seemed like there was all the personal effects were to go down in there. It's only currency that goes inside the main vault, I believe.

Okay. Uh so that sounds like you, Benny.

Um, so why don't you go, Benny, and go work on that uh vault. This is supposed to be that German insured one. So that should take you, what, an extra 10 seconds? Am I right? I'm right, don't answer. Okay. No problem. Pish posh, spot on. I want to see Benny in action, so I want to say we split up, and I I don't know, I just want some uh some Benny time here. He's the only one who hasn't gotten some. Okay, so uh Dan the plan and Benny are going um to the vaults. Joey Three Toes is uh uh stationed by that guard who is not on the payroll that we know about, and Boozy Letits is currently wiping up the map that was on her breasts. Can I roll?

Um, let's uh if you don't mind me kind of bouncing around a little bit, can I have uh Joey? I want to roll to see if he can like jam, like lock the guard in his all. Yes, roll for it, but subtly, you know, in the way that only Joey can. Yep. So uh we'll give Joey uh bonus points to stealth and violence. So is violence a roll? No. Anything that involves violence. Um get that d20 out of here. We're playing Call of Capitol. Oh [expletive], yeah. Um 80 roll. That's not good. That's uh that was for stealth. So you want to push it? Yeah, but alright, hold on. Failing for him is going from this to like maybe this. He's like, oh son of a [expletive]. Yeah. Uh let me push it.

Okay, push it. Oh, nailed it. So uh one out of a hundred. Yep, you're uh jimmy in that lock a little bit with your knife, and it's really tough at one point, and it does make a click, but you did happen to lock him in there. Okay, and then you like I picture you like breaking the knife off inside. Yep. That way it's wedged. Perfect. Um that'll do. Uh, and then I'd like to uh go back over to Dan the plan and Benny.

Uh Cheerio Cheerio this way, boss.

You don't have to call me boss, it's Dan. And uh you know how you feel about these things. Listen, you know I'm hard on you because you're the only one with actual skills here, right?

I understand. It's just Boozy's a frickin' horror of a woman. I know. You hired me on to be Benny the Brit, and I've been having to force this accent in front of the other two people. I know it's hard, but it's really hard. Okay. Just to you, Dan the Flan.

Yeah. Oh man, this is a weight off my chest.

I'm glad we actually got this alone time, you know. Yeah, it's not bad. Uh but listen, uh, did you study those materials I gave you?

Oh yeah, absolutely. I should have at least a good percentage if, say, this were up to chance and I were to roll some dice, I'd say I'm pretty confident in my ability.

Okay, because this is I'm a little nervous. This is one of those like newfangled uh safes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been going over the schematics nonstop. I'm pretty confident with it. All right, good, good. I could deliver those goods like a doctor delivers a baby. I'm wondering if we should split up and if I should let you lead you to your thing. I I I'll be honest, I don't trust Boozy. Okay. I don't even know how I rot her. Again, I just That's fine. So you can ask. Right. Like right. Like the token lady that needs to be there on a heist. Yeah. Right. So have you ever seen her try to try to dodge lasers? It is the most sickening, least graceful thing I've ever seen.

Once uh earlier today, I wasn't gonna tell you anything, but she was in the bathroom changing, and she left the door wide open and was just staring at me while she's getting changed.

Like I'm not interested, lady. You know, but she kept like looking at me and like glancing over it. Yeah, really crazy.

Her name's Cheryl. She's an actress, right? Well, she was. You know what happened, right?

Oh yeah. No, what happened?

Well, they uh for some reason they kept rolling after she thought the scene ended, and uh, well, she ate uh like seven hot dogs in about five seconds, uh and then she called uh a racial slur and some other guy, which uh in this time is not very Right.

I think they call that the Hasselhoff when they do stuff like that.

Yeah, and for some reason they put that in the they put that in the the picture film. Oh no. They saw it. Whoa. They saw that, yeah, frame by frame.

Did it sell a lot of copies of the like did people see it in the picture shows?

People went, it was kind of like a horror thing. Oh yeah. To be disgusted by it.

Poor Boozy.

That's it. You know, after that, you know, things went real downhill from there.

She's probably up there just stealing [expletive] left and right.

But you can count on me, boss. I'm gonna go ahead and go to the vault if you want to go to catch up with Boozy and check on the uh what was the the other the personal boxes or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yep. Safety deposit boxes. Yep. That's it. Yeah, he's like, yep, yep. Uh I don't plus I don't really have any particular skills in this. I just gotta check on each one of you, keep you in line, tell you I have a plan, and that's that's really it. Well, you got me on board, boss, and I'd say that's mission accomplished.

Gives you a thumbs up. Good talk. Good talk. All right, it should only take me like 20 minutes to crack this thing and then we're out of here. Great.

All right, I'm gonna say something British real quick just so people don't get confused.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

Cheerio.

Okay, he like uh dad takes off.

This is this is going right. He thinks he's like talking to himself, he's like, This is going really well. I've never really encountered a bank so just not very secure, you know? Like that guy just literally left a door. He just literally put a door stop on a bank door, no alarms went off whatsoever. Right? It's crazy. I I mean, this luck, you can't beat it. Uh roll me a listen show.

Yeah, that's bad.

You uh hear something that sounds like a gunshot coming from outside. Holy [expletive]. Uh I'm gonna go, it's coming from outside, like side door outside, front door outside. Coming like it is coming from the side entrance outside. I'm going to uh do what Dan does best and head upstairs to scope it out from a safe distance. Okay. So uh you're upstairs, and then you see down into like the lobby and side entrance area. There are four um mobster-looking goons who have shot the guy who was smoking and threw his body inside the bank. Walter. Yes, Walter, uh, the security guard who was on payroll. And now they're kind of like looking around.

There's no sign of Joey Three Toes and uh Orbozy, and you hear like you can see like the other security guard rattling the door trying to get out, and then uh one of the goon gangster guys pulls up a gun to the glass, it's like mirrored or like the smoke mirrored glass, so you can't really see through it, but you can see the outline of his body, and you see him pull up the gun and just pop him right in the head, and then you don't hear the shaking anymore. You see the shadow of the body fall to the floor. Holy [expletive]. And uh I'm gonna run downstairs and try to find uh the first person on my crew available.

Okay, you run downstairs and let me just roll a D4 just to see.

What's that? A one? One okay, so that's gonna be uh Boozy Latin. Uh you see her hiding behind a planter, and somehow she found a bottle of booze that was in one of the teller's desks. And she's getting pretty liquored up right now. Did she notice? Uh, can I tell that she seems shaken?

Oh, yeah, she's tora. Yeah. Listen, boozy. Uh we are in over our heads here.

Uh you want head right now? Alright. If you see there's guys with guns out there, but if that's what you need me to do on this mission, then that's what I'm gonna do for you, Dan.

Cheryl, look me in the ass. Look, look. I'm looking. If there's ever been a time I've wanted you to give head to somebody else, it's right now. Okay. Now they might shoot you on site because you I I hate my life anyway, Dan.

I hate it. No one thinks I'm hot anymore after I ate. It was actually 27 hot dogs.

They only air at all? No, they couldn't. They didn't have enough film background.

Yeah, they said it was too graphic even for a snuff film.

But if that's what you need me to do, damn, that's what I'm gonna do.

Alright. I'm gonna hook you up.

Listen, I need you to buy us time, okay? If you get right at it and you finish them off before I get, and by finish him off, I mean, you know. Yeah, yeah. Um, then Joey's not gonna have time to kinda he's he's our guy for this. Joey's the only one who can handle. Benny does not know how to deal with violence or really any kind of pressure. Yeah, he's British. They don't even have guns over there. Exactly. And you are completely useless, and I'm just the plan guy. So I'm gonna go get two fair Joey three-toes to work something out, alright? Okay. You need to buy us time.

Uh I'll distract them.

Okay.

Here I go.

And she like takes another swig of booze, pushes up her boobs, and like spits all over her boobs. This is your moment, Cheryl. You got this.

Like, starts slapping her cheeks a little bit, and then suddenly regains her composure like a Hollywood actress, and then just starts like gallantly like strolling out into the lobby.

Boys, boys, what seems to be the problem here?

Um one of the gangsters just pulls out a gun and shoots her.

Like that whole situation maybe took like two minutes for her to like clean herself up, work up the courage, approach them, and then they just shoot her. Yeah, point blank. Point blank.

Where? Uh right in the chest.

Can you um I'm gonna say that Dan, knowing that was not gonna work, um, he s snuck into one of the other security guards' office.

Let's say, like maybe like Walter's office. Roll me a uh a stealth with advantage.

Thank God.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Okay. Uh so uh Dan is going to sneak into another security guard's office, uh, change into a spare uniform that they happen to keep in there, super secure, and then he's going to uh radio in uh the police and report a heist. Okay, perfect. Um you do that, and you go to grab the phone, and you do get a dial tone and you can't dial out, and it's like um, hello operator, how can I assist your call? Oh, uh sorry, I thought I had that verse voice before. Uh yes, take your time. Yes, take your time. That was not in character, that was actually me. Nope, it's in there. Yes, uh, I like to report a heist at the grand uh Arkham Bank.

Oh, yes, at this hour?

Yeah, well, it's not during daylight. Listen, listen, I'm a security guard here at Arkham. There are three gangsters, only three. No one else there except me, and uh they killed the other security guard. Uh, we're in grave danger. Uh I think there might have also been a woman they brought with them. Um I'm gonna need you to come immediately, uh, three gangsters.

Oh, that sounds like you're in a heck of a pickle there, friend. Um I wish I could help, but sadly I'm only a telephone operator.

Yeah, sorry. Uh could you could you plug me into the uh transfer me over to the police station?

Oh, I'm afraid I can't transfer to anything. I'm afraid you're gonna be stuck in that bank for quite some time.

Who is this?

I'm your friendly neighborhood telephone operator, and nothing more than that.

That that is the most suspicious thing.

Well, I've gotta go. I'll see you later. You have fun with those robbers and trying to get that book and whatnot. What book? Wait, how do you know the suck to you later, bye?

And then like cuts out. [expletive]. [expletive], [expletive].

Alright, think, Dan. Think.

I wouldn't think too long. I'm still here.

You didn't put down the receiver.

Slam the like receiver on anything.

Uh can I roll for like some maybe divine, not divine, but like a breakthrough if Dan can kind of Yeah, first roll me a uh sanity check for that weird phone call.

Yeah, and then you can roll for that. Uh oh, right on the sanity check. Ooh, okay, you pass. No worries. Okay, now roll me a so you want to do like a knowledge check or you want to do an idea check together. An idea check, yeah, yeah. Give you an idea. See if Dan can formulate a quick plan under pressure. Okay, perfect. Usually he just kind of like copy and paste these things, you know, like from other heists that other people did. Um, but yeah. No, it's an 89. Okay. So you are currently right now in the room with the telephone, and this is like a guard shack staging area.

You did find a uniform, you are currently wearing the uniform, and there is a weapons cache on the wall to your right, but let's say it is under lock and key.

Okay.

Um, well, maybe the actual security guard has the key. Um, so I'm going to roll him a stealth and then leave him be uh while he tries to he's gonna try to get like approach one of the other bodies of one of the other guards and see if he can get the key. Okay, perfect. Um as of this point, the uh three gangster guys are basically combing the bottom area, and it looks like they're getting done with that, like as you're watching, and it's like, we gotta go over this way, boss.

The vault's downstairs.

And then like the head nod from like what looks like the leader guy, and then the the three of them just start working downstairs towards the vault. Oh [expletive], that's where Benny went, right? Yep. Uh [expletive] him. Um, okay. Are we gonna say something? No. Okay, it's up to you now. Uh where the [expletive] is Joey? Uh give me a uh look or something spy in. Uh I'm gonna push it. Okay, push it. Oh my god. I'm gonna use two points of the block. Okay, perfect. That's pass.

Okay, as you're like what following the gangsters, you notice uh Joey like kind of going from the shadows of like column to column, and he has like two guns out, and he makes eye contact with you and like gives you a nod like that and then ducks in behind uh the three gangsters going down the stairs to the vault. Perfect, perfect, excellent. Uh do I care enough about Boozy? Boozy looks pretty dead, right?

Dan, are you there? It's getting dark, Dan. So dark.

I want to imagine like she had like a like like a Bible or like I don't know, something like that old shtick.

Uh let's say she had like a [expletive] like a hamburger.

And the bullet somehow grazed the hamburger.

She like toasted the buns.

Yeah, it's rock hard toast. It's old 1920s guns [expletive].

Boozy son of a [expletive]. I knew you were you were one of the luckiest broads I've ever met.

I don't think I'm gonna make it, Dan. Kiss me.

He's gonna like lean in and then she takes a bite of a sandwich.

So yeah, Dan, this burger I got earlier is probably really good with that toasted bun, you know?

I've never been so grateful to a toaster before.

What are we gonna What are we gonna do about these uh gangsters that came in here?

I think Joey uh Three Toes, I always forget what I want to say his name.

Joey Three Toes on it. Uh we need to hurry up though, and uh we need to check the security deposit box quick. Oh okay.

Oh, I'll take you there as soon as I can. Just let me finish gathering myself. Sorry, I eat when I'm stressed out, Dan. You know this.

When you're not stressed, you're always eating. Out of her other boob, she pulls out like a hot dog. Really, Cheryl?

Hold on, it doesn't take me as long to eat these.

And she just unhinges her jaw like a snake. I'm like, oh right, I'm ready to go now. Alright, take me. We don't have a lot of time, boozy. Take me to the security composite.

You got it. Now where am I? Hold on.

She takes a swig of some booze that she still has in her pocket.

It's this way, Dan. Follow me. You can count on me, Dan. Boozy Letits at your service. You son of a [expletive] I'm in.

So do we make the security positive box? Yeah, you guys uh make it down there. Uh I'm gonna say on the back of the plans, you were given you were given like a number to what uh box you needed and everything like that. And it's box 117, let's say. Okay. Uh yeah, we go in. Uh all right, boozy. Uh keep guard. I'm gonna get the check, see if the book's in here.

Oh, I'll keep guard as best as I can, Dan.

It's all we can ask for. It's not much.

I'm still a little shooken up. My life flashed right before my eyes, Dan.

There's not even a scratch on you, boozy.

I don't honestly.

Oh, that's ketchup. My bad, Dan. I'll stand guard.

Okay. And then uh just give me a uh, let's say a library, because you're just rolling through the catalogs and numbers. Oh, super pass. You find 117, no problem. Um, I'm gonna say two decimals. That's what I'm saying. I'm gonna say with your uh skills as a thief, these locks aren't that big of a deal. It's not like the vault, so you're able to pick it within a couple seconds using your little lock pick.

Still [expletive] got it.

And I get like the seemingly starred of interaction.

Dan, what's that you got over there?

Oh, hush, you don't ruin the moment.

I'm just so distracted right now. I'm getting the vapors.

And it goes away.

Aw. Store of my life, Dan. Is that the book?

And then uh you open it up, and it is the uh Cthulhu book that you were looking for inside this vault. Yep, we got it. Uh okay, uh, here I'm gonna let me hop out. Uh oh, I left something in the air. Can you go ahead and uh grab it for me?

Oh yeah, right this way.

Um, and then I'm gonna turn around. Do I have any weapons? Did I bring any?

Uh what would what would Dan have on his person?

He's he throws knives. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a backstabber.

Yeah.

All right. So he's gonna can I roll to like throw a knife in her?

Yeah, yeah. Roll the uh, what was it? I think it's it's not unarmed attack, so uh uh let's do let's do fighting brawl for throwing a knife.

Yeah. Yeah. Pass perfect. Yeah, you uh shank uh boozy litigation.

The first one's for the burger that she keeps in like her sports burner or whatever the words. Yeah. You don't know if she's coming or going. Someone throw a second one, knowing damn well the first one didn't penetrate everything. Um same thing.

Another pass. Yep. You got her right in the back. Oh, damn. And then she like and then faints right there inside the lockbox room. I'll close the door and uh start making my way down to the attic. Okay. And then I uh Oh, to upstairs? Yeah. Uh no, downstairs. Oh, okay. That's what that's where the game is. Yeah, you said attic. So sorry, yeah, sorry. Oh yeah, yeah, sorry. Okay. So you work your way back to the vault. Uh after this, you uh do get there in a quick amount of time. You're kind of in a hurry right now.

Uh the way the vault's set up is actually split in the middle, so the safety deposit boxes are isolated from the actual vault, so you gotta go back upstairs and then back around and then back downstairs. And by the time you reach the uh stairwell, you hear blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. There's a fire fight going on down there. There was a fire, but yeah. Um let me just roll for Joey 3 tools here. Oh, that's not good. That's not good. That's not good. Okay.

Okay, I feel like Joey just did not defeat any of three gangsters. If I had to read into that. But uh, I'm gonna stealth my way down. Yep.

That's not good. So it's not very not very sneaky. Okay, and then uh give me another listen check right now. A four? Yeah, four. Uh you do hear like slight whispers that sound like they're coming from the book, like open, open, open, open, open, open kind of thing. But with your adrenaline, there's still action going downstairs. Yeah. So with your adrenaline pumping, who knows what you heard? Yeah. Okay. Uh you make your way downstairs and you see uh Joey three-toes behind the now deceased body of Benny the Brit, but he's using him as like a human shield, kind of like laying down there, and he's like popping off his guns. Uh, you do see two of the gangsters are dead, and now it's just Joey and the last remaining gangster over there.

Um is uh uh Joey, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, it's going okay over here.

Surprising that I heard that very audibly. Uh did Benny get the vault open?

Yeah, it's cracked open right there. There's a gangster in the way.

Excellent. And uh I want to roll to walk right past the gangster as if I know the gangster. Okay, so just give me uh first of all a dodge roll for the hail of gunfire that is now coming down this hallway.

Yeah.

Ooh, not bad, not bad. Okay, so you're able to dodge uh the gunfire coming in across. And now what would you do for like a deceiving, because you want to like act like you know this guy, right? Uh no, I think I do know this guy. Oh, you do know this guy? I my guy thinks uh this is part of his okay. So you just walk up. Uh give me a uh small talk. Yeah, then fast talk or small talk. Yeah, fast talk. Small talk. Uh small talks are Olympic events, sorry. Fast talk. Fast talk. I don't think this is good though. You know what? Uh take advantage on it. Uh okay. I'm just gonna push anyway. Still not enough though. I don't have a good fast talking. Surprisingly, Dan the plan.

I did not invest in fast talking. Right. I think we're using the wrong sheet because look at your fighting brawl. It's a seven five. No one ever is able to. You know what, for the sake of it, I like where it's going. I'm gonna say it's a pass, so you got it. Yeah. Um the guy stops shooting for a second and looks at you like, and you're like mumbling words to him, and he's like, Man, do I know this guy?

Like he's coming at me pretty confident.

He's like, Yeah, it was a shame what happened, uh, Michael and Brah Brad.

Yeah, I I I understand that, see, but DuPia sent me on this mission, and I'm here to get that book, and then I'm out of here, see? Yeah. Uh here's the thing. He hired both of us to do the same job for the same team. Or one team. His voice changes all of a sudden. He's like, son of a [expletive] at Double Cross. Yeah. No, no, no, Doublecross. He uh he didn't think one of us would be up for it, so he hired both of us. It happens all the time in this this industry. Does it?

This is my first job, you know.

It happens, it's not a big deal. So, but listen, there is no reason for us to kill each other right now. We just find the book in this vault, probably presumably where it is, and we split the funds. Oh, where'd you hide the book? Uh not well. I'm gonna say uh in my security outfit. Oh, just like in your belt like a vest or something? Uh I'm gonna say it's just a uh button-down shirt and then like a belt with some slacks and stuff. Yeah, I just tucked it in the belt. Okay, let me roll. No, that's too high. I didn't find it. He can't see it right now. He's too distracted with a gunfire. Yeah, so uh I you killed Benny, huh? You killed one of my guys, huh?

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man. It's just my first job, you know.

They told me to have an accent. You took two of yours, right? Two we'll call it even, even though that's you know kind of I didn't even know these guys. I found these guys like 20 minutes ago. I was like, hey, you guys want to go do some gangster [expletive]? And they're like, [expletive] yeah. And that's where we're at today. This is my first heist. So am I part of your crew now? Uh yeah, might as well, right? Oh, right on. I'm part of your crew, you're part of my crew, doesn't matter. Yeah, let's get to it. We're gonna get the book and we're gonna split and everything will be hoogy bogey. Awesome. My name's uh Jimmy, Jimmy Tutos. Wow. What what's wrong with that? That's I picked that name.

My name's Jimmy, and then I don't I just thought Two Toes was a good gangster name.

No, no, there's nothing, nothing wrong with that. Um Jeffrey. And I like give like a weird wink at Jeff.

At uh Joey. All right, Joey. Joey Three Toes. He he looks, he heard the name like uh Jimmy Tutoes, and he's like, what the [expletive]? So he like gives you a nod or whatever. He's a man of action, not words. He gives you a nod. Uh all right, yeah, let's go. Uh you hopefully you shot my guy after he uh unlocked the vault. Oh yeah, that's good, man. Yeah, uh, I killed him totally after I we waited until he opened it in silence, you know, like stealthy gangsters would do. He opened up the vault, then I blopped him, you know, and then we threw his body off to the side, and then your your guy over there started shooting at us back, so I haven't even.

Yeah, he does that. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, uh oh yeah.

Oh, wait, is that a hundred? I'm gonna say it's that. I'm gonna say it's that. [expletive] it. For the sake of the story. Uh Joey Three Toes, uh, while you're talking to him, just pulls out his gun and blaps uh Jimmy Two-toes right in the head. Oh wow. That was great. That was awesome. Thank you. Yeah. No problem, boss. I didn't like his name. Yeah, it was it was horrendous. It was derivative, right? Excellent. All right. Uh the book uh wasn't upstairs, so it's straight. I think in the very back, um, it's the last box.

All right, all right.

Uh, you did walk forward, so uh Joey. Oh no, he didn't see the book stashed away in your pants. You're better than you thought. Um, he's like, Alright, boss, I'll go in there and scope it out. Uh, do you have the picture of what it looks like again?

I forget.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here. And I reach into my belt, like right by the book. And that's let me roll one more time.

Uh okay, that's a 13. Then he notices he sees that you do have the book, and he's gonna be like, Alright, boss. Alright.

Let's uh let's go in the vault together.

His voice octave went up quite a bit. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Uh and I I do I uh am I suspicious of this? Uh uh Yeah, give me a check for it. Investigate. What do we got? We don't have investigate, so it's like uh maybe a knowledge a wisdom or knowledge check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a knowledge check. No. Oh, you didn't notice it. No, I think I think hooking fell for a little bit. So you both go into the vault and uh No Joey, I always knew it would be the two of us at the end of this. I did two, boss. I did two. And then he like No, I did three.

What?

And then he'd like you guys start having tussle. I'm gonna roll. Yeah. We're gonna have fight. Uh 47. I'm gonna say now you have to roll either to dodge or attack back. Uh with your brawl. Okay. Yep. Dodge. Yeah. Uh it's not gonna work. Okay, so he hits you and you take four points of damage.

[expletive].

And then he goes, you guys wrestling again. So now it'd be uh your turn for an action if you want to try to dodge again. I think you do an unarmed strike. Okay. Uh what's that?

What do I roll?

So you have to roll fighting brawl, you have to get it under a 75.

Yep.

Oh, crushed it. So what's that? Oh, you got under 15, right? Yeah, you got the extreme. So I have to roll extreme on my hit back, otherwise. Nope. So you do uh plus your damage bonus of 1d4, so it's gonna be a 1d3 plus a 1d4. Uh we just use a d4. Yeah, that's fine. So yeah, that'd be max damage, and then plus another d4, yeah. Ooh, dang. So six points of damage. What's current? So that's oh almost that's over half health. Joey. Joey, what's what's gotten over you? I'm gonna say you hit him and uh knocked him unconscious. Very convenient. Like you guys were in a tussle, and I'm picturing like a table in the center, and you pushed him and cracked his head.

But during the tussle, he's now unconscious bleeding on the floor. The book got opened up. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it makes sense. Right? Yep. Okay. And uh stupid book. Now the lights. The fluorescent [expletive] lighting in this bank is ticking on and off, on and off, on and off. You hear the whispers a little bit louder. Roll me another sanity check.

Pass.

Oh, you pass easy. You've seen crazier [expletive]. You just kill the [expletive] nasty [expletive] in a [expletive] I I work with Boozy every day. She's always throwing up all over the place. She's disgusting. Um so you do hear a little bit of voices and stuff, and then like it almost looks as if from the lights blinking, as if Joey and the three other gangster guys stood up in place from how their shadows are kind of going against the light. But when you really focus your eyes, you it just looks like bodies laying on the floor still. But it'll almost you can almost see like shadow people above their bodies right now. Can I say that because I haven't succumbed to any of the sanity checks yet, I'm gonna be like Dupier.

This is quite the production. Listen, I've been double crossed, triple crossed, quadruple crossed. But listen, I have never seen someone go to the effort to try to haunt me in the middle of a heist in the middle of a vault after some dumb book. That hats off to you, Dupier. Nothing. No, come on now, really. You hear the on the pages, and then like the pages begin to like rustle and like fold over, and then they open up to one certain section, and then you can look down and see that it is like a hand-drawn picture of some kind of like shadow creature, but it looks like in like blood kind of deal. And the blood from Joey Three Toes when he got knocked unconscious kind of folds over and around.

Okay, and then see here. I'm just gonna grab uh this emerald, that necklace, some pearls, and I'm gonna get the [expletive] out of here. I am spooked. Do you go to pick up the book? Uh yeah. Okay. Uh, you pick up the book, no problem, but roll me a spot hidden. Uh no. Okay. A piece of paper falls out of it, but you don't think twice about it. Yeah. Like you know in the back of your head that a piece of paper fell out, but you just stuffing jewels in my pants and clothes. I'm trying to did I close the book or I'm just holding the phone. Yeah, I picture you just grabbing it and closing it. Closing it, so uh holding that to my chest, jewels in my pants, and uh trying to leave.

Okay, trying to leave. Haul ass. Okay. Uh you manage to get upstairs, and then you see that the door that uh has the bullet hole on the blood stain on it and [expletive] from the other security guard is now open, and that light is flickering in there as well. And the door that to the side entrance is now fully closed when it was cracked open still. Um did I recall when we came through the door, was there like special lock like from the inside? Do I have to do anything to open that door? Uh not that you recall or looked at it. It looked like a standard deadbolt, uh like a double deadbolt. So it needs a deadbolt to get in and a deadbolt key to get out. Okay. Kind of deal. God damn it.

Okay. Uh let me, I'm gonna go investigate that office. Uh that I think the flat the flashing light. Okay. Um see if I can grab what I need. Okay, you walk in there and give me another uh sanity roll. Yeah, pass. Pass? Okay. Easy peasy. Dang it, you're so sane. Uh as you walk in there. I think I'm just uh I I'm can not I'm confused. I think this is like a double cross. Like I right, like I'm so into productions that this just seems like a production to me. They're like, ooh, they went all out for me. I don't actually know what I'm dealing with here yet. Okay.

So um you walk inside the room, and the reason that the light is kind of flickering back and forth is because there is the security guard sitting in the rocking chair, his back towards you, kind of like going back and forth in front of the light, and that's kind of what's making this light go like the way it is.

Boozy, you really can't die, you crazy [expletive]. Listen, everyone else is dead. Let's get the hell out of here and pack up.

Stop trying talking like that.

Uh give me a uh a spot hidden roll. One more shot, give me a spot hidden roll. Nope. Nope. Okay, yeah. Uh you walk up to the the body and do you like grab it and turn it around?

Yeah, and I mean like it's already I'm getting gross, disgusting vibes, but that's what Boozy would give me. So, and I also just assume she's so dumb that even a dagger. So uh as you grab the body and spin the chair around, the thing stops rocking from you touching it. And it's just the another security guard, the one you haven't seen before that was originally in here, and he is dead dead. There's a big hole in his face, and his like jaws kind of like slacked open and unhinged off to the side. What did they shoot you with? Good god. Well, still looking better than Boozyman, right? Just a dead like move his mouth like he's laughing. Crack myself up. Nothing.

What do I am in here?

What do I need? Uh you need the keys. Uh yeah, I want to reach uh investigate uh spot hidden or uh whatever to investigate kind of deal. Oh, I finally passed a spot hidden. Oh, perfect. Uh you do see the keys dangling off of his little belt loop there, and you can go ahead and grab him, no problem. Yep, I do. Okay, you grab them and then you turn around and go back out, and then uh give me another sanity roll. I think this will be the one.

Son of a [expletive], man.

Um, you see Boozy in the hallway crawling towards you with the knife still in her back, long blood trail coming back out, and she's just head face down.

So, like how she's crawling like a normal army crawl, you'd have your head up and crawl like that. She is crawling while grinding her face into the floor, just moving forward at you like that.

Boozy, I got handed to you. Anyone at your weight and her uh body mass index would uh have bled out a long time ago, but you you just keep going.

She just keeps going. She's crawling towards you. You see her fingernails kind of breaking on the marble floor as like she's trying to pull herself forward. It's a lot of weight to pull forward on just your fingertips. Alright, let me give you one last goodbye before we head out, and I'll put you out of your misery for old time's sake. She uh reaches and tries to grab you if you want to try to dodge or whatever.

Oh no.

And uh passes, yeah. Dang. 16. Man, Dan, the plan vermillion is full of [expletive] surprises. I totally [expletive] like built this character wrong, but that's okay. It's [expletive] working out. Yeah. Um, so she [expletive] nasty uh boozy latit tries to grab you, nothing happens, and then her body kind of just goes limp again. And now all the lights inside of the bank itself just shut down completely. Good lord. Okay. Uh I'm gonna start walking towards the door that I think is in the direction where that door was, the side side door. But I'm gonna be like, wait, my knife. And I'm gonna go back and try to take my knife out of her back. Ooh, okay, okay. Uh give me.

You'd be surprised if my knives go through when you keep stabbing people with them in their back. I'm assuming you already picked up the burger one. Like you might have even picked up the burger one like and then put it out. Um, yeah, go to grab it and give me a let's say a strength roll.

Jesus Christ, you're the strongest [expletive] guy I've ever seen in this game.

I mean, should we say we've I I think I built this character incorrectly. Should we say it? Is that a super pass? No, it's just a regular pass. It's a regular pass. You pull it out, no problem. It's a little tougher than you thought, but you hear like a nasty crunch, and it is dark. Yeah. But yeah, you can feel like the blood still splattering off the knife, but you got your knife back. Yeah. Your eyes have kind of adjusted at the night enough, like you're a cat burglar. Um, I'm gonna reach in to see uh in my utility belt of security. Uh I'm gonna reach by the book and see if there's anything in there that I could like light something with. Oh, inside your uh security belt? Yeah.

I'm gonna say that they do have like a uh pocket flashlight. Yeah, I'll brush my hand against the book, no weird vibes or anything there. Uh nothing. And then yeah, I'll click the flashlight on. Okay. As you turn on the flashlight, give me one more sanity roll. All right, this is it. And this one isn't jacked up. This is just a normal sanity. Right, that's a normal sanity. Pass. Holy [expletive]. Okay. Wow. Yep. You see uh what looks like I totally ruined the story for Nate.

You see what looks like uh shadow figures like kind of dodging in and out, almost reenacting the events that happened earlier inside the bank with people coming and going, and then the gangsters coming in and the firefight and shooting the you see all that almost like rewinding itself, but through like the shadow forms inside the flashlight, and you were completely unfazed by it.

Listen, you see one, seen it all. This is like the time in uh Porto Penasco, where uh well, I won't bore myself with the details because there's no one here, and I'm gonna head towards that uh side exit.

Okay, you uh [expletive] go to the side exit and there was um unlock it. And you open it up, and out front, standing there in the street, is Mr. DuPier just gazing at you. He's only like say ten feet in the alley from the side entrance, just looking directly up at you. Ah, Mr. DuPier, I thought you were inside, but it seems logical you would pull all the strings from out here. Uh hats off to you, my friend. This was the most elaborate um double, triple, quadruple uh backstab I've ever been a part of. Uh I think we should work together. Um with that, it now looks as if Mr. DuPier is trembling in fear.

He's like eyes are wide open, he's uh uh speechless, it looks like his lips quivering a little bit, and you notice that his pants are starting to get wet, and it's like he's peeing himself basically out in the street there looking behind you. Wow, there's no need to get upset. You hired me for a reason and I did the job. I'm the best in the field. There's no reason uh for you to feel betrayed or anything like that, or shock or whatever you're experiencing. Holy [expletive]. Wow. As you say that, he uh goes and grabs his chest. And he falls down in the street, clutching his chest. Well, that's weirdly convenient. Uh give me a spy hit. Uh I think that will work. No, that doesn't work.

[expletive] it. Yeah, you just all you see is a guy just dead in the [expletive] street.

I'm so oblivious that just tell him, just go ahead. It's uh you you've you've been playing, you've been a good Damn. You've you've been playing with my roles, but go ahead, you can say what you want to happen now. So what's really going on right now is from the eyes of Mr. DuPier. Oh, kind of like demon or yeah, Dan the Plan vermilion opened the door, and all of a sudden there are these [expletive] shadow creatures with tentacles like expanding and extruding out all behind him. But meanwhile, Dan the Plan is just standing there looking like a [expletive] idiot holding the book like what? Like, oh, you think you can double cross me? How about a quadruple? He's saying that [expletive] [expletive].

Meanwhile, there's the scariest [expletive] demon anybody's ever seen in their life behind him, made of shadowy [expletive] gases and ethereal plane madness and [expletive].

And finally, uh Mr. DuPier had enough because after Dan the Plan Vermilion took a couple more steps forward, like ha ha ha, the thing [expletive] lunched upward. It's as tall as the [expletive] bank itself, is staring down at Mr. Du Pier, and that was too much for him. The dude has a [expletive] heart attack. I asked Nate to roll me a spot hidden.

He doesn't see this [expletive] thing, and then so it now escapes into the [expletive] night. And that's it.

That's where we're [expletive] was I supposed to fight that thing?

Yes! You had to be scared of it. How many consecutive roles spinning all over the [expletive] place? How many consecutive roles did I pass or conveniently failed you to fail one sanity roll? One sanity roll I needed you to fail for this thing to take effect. Or one of I was definitely stronger than I was supposed to be, but my sanity roll is totally. Sanity's average. There is no right. I just needed you to roll underneath a 56 one time or above a 56 one time, which is totally not like not reasonable. It's reasonable. And it's cannot plan down the plan. Right. And uh it did you weren't scared one time during the whole event.

Um, when I asked you to spot Hidden the Monster, I think two or three times I asked you to do that. Multiple times, you completely failed that. So you are just that oblivious, carefree focuses on one thing and that's it, you know, like the plan, you know?

That's what it is.

Um now at the end of the day, uh, there is a dead man in the street, your entire crew and three other random gangsters, along with two security guards, are all dead inside this bank, and you have released a shadow demon into the world and didn't even know it.

[expletive], I just remembered something. We didn't get the money she she deposited for the dumpster. And I think that's where we're ending. Perfect. That's the [expletive] rap, man. How off script did that go? And like we always go off script, but I feel like that one, because you last started letting me just like roleplay and DM stuff.

How off-script did we go? Um, on this one, I did write a full page, like I did the lat the cabin, but I left a lot more leeway room for the role play stuff. It's learned. Yeah, it was it went south. Um, there was supposed to be you guys were supposed to get the book before the gangster showed up, and then the monster was actually gonna kill the gangsters um while you're there watching. That way you can [expletive] see the physical monster. Made sense, right? It honestly, I started to realize like, hey, I don't actually know how to plan a heist, and that's why I just everybody started dawdling around. And you were just killing people off. Yeah. Uh I thought it was funny and I thought it worked out great, like always.

So I had fun.

Thank you.

I that was great. Uh welcome back to the Call of Cthulhu universe. If you liked this episode, go back and check our other Call of Cthulhu episodes. Some of them actually monsters do appear or are observed by the main characters. Oh, and I had a whole thing where inside one of the other safety deposit boxes there was gonna be bits and pieces of the box in there. And I had that written down. You told me there was gonna be some pieces. I think I really threw you off. You killed [expletive] McGee or whatever name was. I think my roles threw you off. I think uh me just like us randomly role-playing, like the whole uh boozy going to the bank.

That whole 20-minute bit was not meant to be role-played, right? That was tough.

Yeah, but it was funny. Yeah, there's a midget for some toaster. Oh, that's coming uh next on NatOnepresents merch. It'll just be a picture of a toaster and you have to deal with it.

It'll be way overpriced like everything else in Nat1Pro.

Five thousand dollars. Thank you so much for listening. Uh, go ahead and slide into our DMs, Nat One Presents on Instagram or join our Patreon, patreon.com slash NatOnepresents or nat1presents.com and go to our website and it has all the links to all the things. Yes, it's great. Or the Facebook, we have a Facebook to go on there. Yeah, use whatever that whatever social media you old or not old person are using. Just make it happen. The point is we want your dollar, join the Patreon and talk to you next week. Thank you. Bye.