PTSD&D | Breaking Dad

You're about to listen to the first experimental season of our show, formerly called Nat One Presents the Podcast. For better audio quality and our current ongoing DD campaign, skip ahead to season two featuring the Daft Monks. Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Podcast. Hey Nate. Hey Nate. How's it going? Peachy Keen. Oh, I'm glad you're doing good. Um you have someone talking about it? I'm a little heated. Whoa, okay. No, it's not too bad. Uh we bought a car online, which was crazy, and it was actually very smooth. I was surprised. Really? Yes. They showed up, unloaded it. Okay. I'm not making this up. [expletive]'s name was Greta. Swear to God. She's on to you, man. She's on to you. I'm like, Greta, that sounds made up. I only know one Greta.

She just shows up with an electric vehicle. I'll be like, oh, you got me.

You got me, Greta. But she was super nice. Oh, yeah, she was super nice. And then unloaded the thing. We drove around the block, and by the time we came back around, she's like, ready to sign paperwork? And that was it. How much [expletive] do you think she took out of your house and that time that you drove? I don't know because we almost left, and Corbin was so excited about the new car, he left the front door wide open. So when we turned the corner, the cat was like hanging outside, like, where are you guys going?

He just kept driving.

Oh no, I hopped out and I had to [expletive] go close the door. Oh yeah. This kid, man. This kid. Bless his heart. So with the kids, I don't know what kind of holiday tradition you have. But for Christmas time, my wife likes to do the advent calendar. And normally it's like this little thing with like some candies inside.

Yeah.

Or maybe like a little bit of money or something. But this year, she's [expletive] taking it to 11.

Really?

You had me at money. Mine only had old [expletive] chocolate.

Oh no, sometimes she'll stuff like a little dollar in there. Because the the old ones used to be like a toy truck. So it was like, yay, big, you know.

It was a truck. Mine was just literally like tin foil on the back of a package.

No, no, no. We go huge at my house. So this was like a toy truck, basically about as long as a loaf of bread, and maybe twice as tall as a loaf of bread. Now, she decided this year we're going to 11, we're going extreme. I get home, I close the front door, and the whole back of the front door is now an advent calendar.

Epic. I'm like, is it so? What's it designed as? Like, is it it does it look just like a calendar? Does it look like Christmas tree? Like, I've seen them like have like designs.

Oh, right now I don't know where she found it, but it just looks like canvas, and I'm sure she's gonna decorate it later. But it has all the pouches for every day uh of the year or the month. What a great mother. I know it's amazing. And then she showed me she already has a pre-planned list because Megan's the planner, I'm the winger, and she has a pre-planned could have guessed that one list of what's going in there, and this is gonna be like crazy stuff. Like the first one that they're gonna pull out is movie night. So they're gonna reach into the pouch and pull out a bag of popcorn and then VHS. What do I do with this? We had a VHS, that'd be cool.

We could watch robot jogs rich with timber and oil. But then after, and then um it jumps over to like uh hot cocoa night, and then like so. This year's gonna be more activities. Oh, nice, and then of course, some of them are still gonna have money. Sweeter.

I thought you she was just gonna like put like free [expletive] in there or whatever, like you know, like that's cool. We're trying to change it up a little bit. Nice. You don't want to like spoil the kids too much, you know. I know kids. I'm sure your kids aren't spoiled, they're so spoiled. Or well, they are, but it makes up for like just the mental like trauma that you put on them.

Well, he came home the other day and he's like, Did you know some kids don't even have their own computer? And I'm like, Yeah, Corbin, you're rocking a $1,300 laptop, dude. Other kids don't have that. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. You're welcome. Yeah, another person who can't say thank you. You know what? You're welcome. I'm not asking for a lot. I'm asking for two words. Thank you. Nothing.

And he's probably just playing Roblox on it. Oh, Minecraft, and that's it. Yeah, that's it. Minecraft's device. Um, well, that's pretty cool. I I you know, honestly, the traditions are pretty weird. My house, there's not many. Um, nothing like leading up to Christmas. No, like we did whatever. If it was an advent calendar, it was like a chocolate. It was just like a [expletive] chocolate tin thing that you would just do. We weren't those little pop-outs. Yeah, we weren't like big on the advent calendars. Um, the only tradition I remember was like, this is so weird. Um, my grandmother on Christmas Day would hide an ornament pickle in the Christmas tree. Pickle, right?

And yeah, and you like she would let the like grandkids look for the pickle, and whoever found it got like a jar of candy or something. That's like, and I don't even know that's like a tradition as much as just like a thing my grandmother did.

So on Christmas, your grandma would play hide the pickle with your kids. Is what you're telling me.

Thanks, Nate.

I was summing it up for the list.

Just ruin it, just ruin it. That's it though. Like, we didn't do, I don't know. Did you do ever do like Elf on the Shelf or stuff like that? Like, we didn't do that weird [expletive]. No, we didn't do any of that garbage. That's weird. I think it's weird. Yeah, um, and I I don't know, like ring ring ring, liberal agenda time. I think uh like it's a weird kind of reinforcement. Like, don't do things people are watching you, like that's just very outdated and like not like I think like I I don't know, I feel like we're we're leaning towards like teaching kids how to understand why something is bad versus like there's an animated doll that will decide your fate. Like that's kind of bizarre, you know.

Like we already have that with like Santa's watching, but to literally have a doll that you like place to like deter, and like I know parents are just desperate to do anything, like confirm or deny, like you just want your kids to behave, yeah. You'll do anything, yeah. So maybe that's where it comes from.

Another thing, but at the same time, like you need to like command respect, you know, which I do not get. But like, how many things can be watching you at a time, you know? [expletive] Alexa's watching me, Facebook's watching me.

Definitely listening. A lot of stuff's listening. Yes, I mean, watching's probably happening too, but listening for sure. Did I ever tell you why we unplugged ours? Give me the know.

I'd love to hear the story. Okay, so me and Megan were having a conversation, and not one word uh that's even sounded remotely like Alexa came about naturally in our conversation. And I was like, hmm, I don't know. I need to look into that. And then out of [expletive] nowhere, Alexa's like, I can help with that. And I'm like, no, you can't. [expletive] boom, unplug, done with you. Like you're eavesdropping, first of all, which is [expletive] rude, you know?

And now you're trying to help me, like, no, but at least she had the audacity to just be like, hey, I was listening, let me show you something. Right. I hate, I mean, I've seen so many things that are like, I've only talked about it, I have not searched it because I'm too embarrassed. And uh basically, um, like it just shows up in like in my ads, and I'm like, I all I did was talk about it. There's you know, so there's no like on this device has to be listening, and it's it's awful. I I remember though, this has been in effect for so long, like back in the old days, like when Facebook like was pretty recent, and then ads came out on Facebook, that like was kind of people lost their [expletive].

And I know one of my first ones, and I don't know what I was searching to make it happen, but it was like gay cruises, like or no, no, sorry, gay scuba diving, which and I was like, wow, that's really targeted. That's really targeted, and I was closeted too, so I mean, like, probably I like search something online, but it wasn't gay scuba diving, that's definitely not where I was like, that's very not what I was looking for. I can't even swim, Nate. I'm not even a great swimmer, so I don't even know, but um yeah, ever since then it's been all downhill.

And you're just waiting, like, here we go.

Black bleep, like Alexa beeps it out.

Oh, which is that's funny. Uh well, wholesome family stories. Yeah, good times. Good times. Um, anything else we want we want to talk about? Uh end of the year stuff. I'm listeners, I'm very sketchy on today's the content. Content. Uh it's very improv heavy, which means very little prep. It's a premise. As usual, it's a premise and very little thought. So I just wondering maybe we should stretch the clock out a little bit before we jump into it. We're winging it. Could be the yeah, we're winging it.

Could be the worst 10 minutes of the show. We'll see. Yeah, it shouldn't be bad. We're uh gonna be doing a Batman episode, right? Yep, Batman, can't go wrong.

Trigger Peter Holmes. Yeah. Words. Just you just say words, that's all you do.

Yeah, that'd be fine.

Like at first, I thought it was like a really like clever like interpretation, and then I realized like you're just you're copying you just say things. Yeah, like they don't have to be funny things, you know. Like okay.

Now, how are we gonna do this?

Okay, so here's kind of uh the theater of the mind type deal. I'll kind of share the premise that I have going. Um, of course, he'll be Batman, so not much you have to do except just make us laugh. Perfect. Um, but basically, premise I had in mind is so uh Batman is uh out thwarting crime and he gets wind, gets a report that uh Mr. Freeze is up to no good in his lair or whatever. And so uh Batman's going to sneak in, like break in uh to Mr. Freeze's mansion, whatever, hideout. I don't know. He usually just like lives in his house. I feel like in and like most movies and TV shows, he's just in like a frozen house. Like, how is anyone surprised where Mr. Freeze lives?

Like, what was he in in uh the George Clooney one? Uh, ice cream factory? Like, first of all, what kind of [expletive] ice cream factory is that [expletive] cold where you got icicles hanging down from the [expletive] ceiling? Like, there's machinery in there, like it's hot in there.

They they always like super overplay, like he's in some like frozen tundra like realm, but it's like in Gotham, right? You know, climate-wise, that doesn't really make sense anywhere. So it's just like it always cracks me up and be like, Oh, gotta find, gotta find Mr. Freeze. Like, it's probably very easy. Very easy.

Working for the power company, you could look up and be like, oh man, who's this guy with the [expletive] fifteen thousand dollar electric bill? What's he got going on? Oh, it's negative twenty in his house. Like, okay, that must be where [expletive] Mr. Freeze lives. Like, stop it.

Call up a coffin team. Call the power company. What's the meter at? It's really spinning out here. I'm gonna have to get Greta on the horror. So many fossil fuels he's burning.

Anywho, uh, so Batman's gonna break in, try to preemptively thwart Dr. Freeze before his next big plan. Okay. Um, and that's that's where we'll be back. Okay. Here I am. I'm sneaking. Okay. So uh yeah, let's just, I mean, let's not even pretend like we're gonna set up a scenario here. So you just kick down the door, yeah, and you enter this big room, and what you see, it's kind of like um, I don't know, it's very like uh worshipy. And then in the center, there's like obviously this like clear tube and uh a lot of like frozen, you know, air around it and [expletive]. And then there's just this like uh looks like a woman's asleep, like frozen pale skin, uh kind of floating in the center, and you see uh Dr.

Freeze and he's like, Batman, freeze something or C Sennus, C S and us. What are you doing here?

What are you watching? That was a pretty boring channel.

What what I don't watching on the tube.

Alfred calls it the tube.

I'm doing the bane voice either. I was gonna do something German, like uh uh this is my house. Ooh, I like that. Gives us what are you doing in my house?

Like the governor.

I'm gonna govere I'm here to thwart you. Like boo. What's this thing you're looking at? Is this my wife? No. Yes? That's a popsicle. Yas. No, no, yas, no. I know wives. I almost had one 27 times. Really? Who?

Okay. Anyway, uh well, listen, Batman. I uh there is no crime to thwart here. I am in my residence, home of residence with my wife. She is uh not well, you see. In fact, really most of the crime I do normally is you know to to finance research so that I can save her life. Why is it so cold in there?

You see the nipples on my suit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, to be fair, these uh the suit always has nipples even in hot. Yeah, but they're extra hard right now. Okay. I would like you to leave. I I am very my wife is very ill and I'm I don't know how much time I have left.

Yeah, what's her deal?

What what she's napping? What?

She's napping?

She's napping. No, napping. No, she's not she is I mean so to speak. Tuck her doubt. No. No, no, Batman. You know, she's she has over here or genetic disease, Batman, that prevents her or is it genetic? Well, what's the backstory? I forgot. Did he do it to her? What's that story there?

No.

Okay, don't worry about it.

In the movie she had what Alfred had. Yeah. Much more advanced stage.

Anyway. Genetic disease, blah blah. Trying to save her with research, and uh unless you happen to have the disposal of the Wayne Foundation and hundreds of thousands of scientists, I do not think you could help me, Batman.

I'm fresh out, sorry. Fresh out.

Okay, well, then please leave my home.

Uh I think we really need to talk about this. I think I can save her. Oh? Yeah. How, Batman? No, it's super easy. Now all you can do is get a loaf of bread and some lunch meat. And some mayonnaise.

He's like writing notes.

And you lay it in front of her, and she'll wake up and make a sandwich. It's what all women do. It's fact.

This isn't the 1930s, Batman. No, Alfred told me. He's probably that old. Exactly. You told me. It'll be fine. No, Batman, she's comatose. She won't wake up. She's been in chronic cyber whatever, chronic cryogenic sleep. Yes, words, for over a decade.

I just tried shaking her really hard. Here, get her out of the tube.

No, no, no. And now you hit the like eject button and the water's coming out. She just drops like to the Oh my god, my beautiful wife. What have you done?

Oh yeah, your arm's not totally supposed to bend like that. You might want to fix that before you shake her.

Oh, my beautiful wife. Look at her. Look at her. And he like, he like like moves her head at you. Like, does this look like a woman who is okay, Batman?

Oh, that's a woman. I thought it was an ice sculpture. What are we talking about here?

My wife, she's dying. Please leave. Oh.

Well, you're under arrest.

Wait, wait, no. For what? You broke into my home. I forgot.

It was pretty warm outside. Chris McGordon. Why is he? My bad sensor said it was a nice cool negative 20 degrees in here. So I was like, oh, I better cool off.

I've committed no crime except loving my wife.

Oh yeah. But she's dead.

No, she's alive though, Patya. She's alive, look. And he like shows you like a sensor. Like, she's still by keeping her at sub whatever degree temperatures, she's cryogenically preserved. You can't fool me with that. What is that?

Tamagotchi? That little koala climbing up a tree. Wow. I forgot to feed mine. It died.

That was 20 years ago, Batman.

Still fresh in my heart.

I could probably fund a research to save her life if I had one. I named that koala Rachel.

And it died too.

Okay, listen, I need you to leave, Batman. I as long as we keep the air conditioning down to sub-temperatures, she'll be okay.

Hold on, hold on. I need to call somebody in on this. They'll never believe me. I need to get my [expletive] out.

[expletive]!

[expletive], come in. You need to come in here. [expletive]. I'm not doing [expletive]. You're doing [expletive]. Okay. Okay.

Oh Batman! What's going on, man?

[expletive]. Get in here. There's a frozen lady. It's the craziest [expletive] you've ever seen, man. You gotta get in here.

Alright, I'm on my way.

She is not some spectacle Batman to be observed.

Hold on, let me take some pictures. Get closer. Smile, I don't want it to be weird. No. I think I can save her. Don't touch her. Now when I'm sleepy, Alfred makes me coffee. Have you tried giving her coffee?

Batman, of course. I've tried everything.

Make her some coffee right now. I want to see.

No, I'm not m- No, I'm not. No, get out. Get out.

What about an espresso? It's just not a lot of coffee. It's a little bit of coffee, but a whole lot of kick.

I'm gonna say, like, as this happens, like the powers like start to like the lights go off, and then you can hear like the air conditioner like break. Like you hear like that rinking, like that rattling noise like before an air conditioner breaks. He's like, oh my god, the the the AC is out. Batman, quickly, we must get the power turned back on.

I don't know anything about that.

Really? Because they just it just received an email saying that Batman at Batman's bat request that we turn off power to my home. Oh, oh, sorry about that.

Well, I'm a man of different hats, so let me change my hat.

And still with the full cowl of the Batman thing, he puts on like an electrician's cap. Alright, I'm ready to fix it.

Please, please. She only has seven minutes before she wakes up from cryogenic freeze and dies. Oh, that means we got five minutes to shoot the [expletive].

What's going on? Please.

He's like crying, and he's not mad. She's all I care about. You can take me to prison, just save my life. Alright, fair enough.

I'm gonna I'll be right back. I'm totally gonna go fix it. And then he just gets on the bat phone. Hey, I [expletive] up. You don't turn that power back on? Thanks, I appreciate it. Alright, cool. Thank you, Bot Bun. Yeah, totally fixed it. You're welcome. I'm pretty good at everything I do. Now about your wife. She's looking pretty goopy. Is that normal?

Like Prunie. I've told you she has genetic condition, blah blah blah. Please. She looks like the old ladies from Titanic. Listen, you can you can take me. I just find find somebody who can save her. If not my research. Maybe someone at the Wayne Foundation. If you know people at the electric company, do you do you know people at the Wayne Foundation?

No, absolutely not. I don't know any Wayne's.

Not a single, not a single Wayne. Good people though. The Wayne's. But I don't know. I guess my love, I see like puts her back in the tank and I don't know. Oh, yeah, I'm totally gonna take her. It's not like a garden hose and like plugs that in and starts filling it.

You're wasting your time. I'm totally gonna take her out of there as soon as I rest. She'll be fine, trust me. Women are resilient. Oh man, her hair is starting to fall out. That's great.

We'll cut it. As expected, that was a [expletive] show.

Well, we can do uh we can do another part too. We can do a part two if we want to extend it. How far are we? You want to do one of the other premises? Yeah, make let's do [expletive] all three. [expletive] it.

What was the third one that I had? Do you remember? Uh I got Oh, oh, it was the Riddler. Yeah. Oh no, I'm not ready for that. Because for that one, I was gonna pull up some riddles. Oh, okay. And then I I figured you just wouldn't answer them. But I was gonna be like, bats man, what would you call? But I don't have any of that [expletive] ready. Oh, okay.

You could only thought of one and be like, no, hold on, I'm taking. No, hold on, wait. I almost got it. It's on the tip of my tongue. Wait, do bats have tongues? Yeah, they do. Wait, what are we talking about?

We just go through everyone at that point. I think uh the other premise that that one we could do is I was trying to imagine, like, so uh like Batman gets a call from Talia and she's like, Batman, I have something to tell you. Yeah, yeah. I like that one. So uh we'll just we'll just start from the phone call with [expletive] it, we'll just do it live. Yeah, [expletive] it, we're going live. Oh I don't even know what kind of accent Talia would have. Batman. Yeah, who's who's this? Oh, just the the heiress of the League of Assassins. How'd you get this number? I thought I ghosted you. You gave it to me. Oh no. And then you didn't really ghost, you just stopped texting. Oh yeah, sorry about that. I'm a busy guy.

A lot of crime to thwarp. It's fine, it's fine. You know, my dad's not a huge fan of you. Yeah, did I kill him? Once once or twice. Oh yeah. You get that on these big jobs. Gets knocked down, he gets back up again. Never gonna keep him down.

I like that song.

Yeah. Anywho, uh, listen, I have uh something I haven't been telling you. You know, it's we haven't seen each other. Well, it has to do with the one nighter, you know. Yeah, it's a good time. Yeah, you know. Do you remember how long ago that was? It lasted about five minutes. Not how long it lasted, but how long ago it was. Oh yeah, about uh 17 years now, I think it was. No, um 16 years? If I said, you know, nine months. Oh wow that you know trigger anything? No, time flies, you know. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I think it's best you uh you come down the Lazarus pit. I have uh something to show you. Uh someone. I'll be right there. I'm on my way. Alfred, one with the Batmobile.

You load it and it's like, I get knocked down, but I get up again.

Yeah, I don't know why I stopped listening to this jam. I'm getting [expletive] pumped.

And I guess whatever, you roll up to wherever the [expletive] the Lazarus pit is, which I think is another country. I'm gonna say it takes like 20 hours to get there.

And when I get there, I'm still listening to I get knocked down, but I get up again, but get up and down.

Man, that song never gets old.

Oh, Batman I hear. I expected you 17 hours ago. I could have flown. Yeah, yeah. I like to drive. Yeah, I know you have the Bat chat. Yeah.

Um I just got new subs to put in the Batmobile. You should really hear. I'm here.

Listen, anyway, Batman. Um there's something I want to show you. It's uh it's okay, son. Come out. Who the [expletive] is that? Damien, it's uh well, uh Bruce. This is uh no easy way to say it. No. A midget. No, no, he's a I mean a child a child is like a tiny man. He's a wild man. You're like a child. He's a baby. Listen, it's your son. Oh Bruce. Nine months, nine months ago, we had that night. That's about five minutes. But uh that was a good five minutes, right? You said you used protection.

Yeah, yeah, bat protection.

Yeah, you said you had a bat protection. Uh little did I know you actually just sprayed bat repellent on your drunk. I didn't want bats to get involved. Yeah, that burned for a while after that.

Because you know it makes perfect sense and I'm scared of bats, but I chose that as the symbol to strike fear into enemies.

Yeah, I don't read it into a lot of your decisions, but listen, I uh I I can't do this anymore. Uh this is this is your child, and it's it he needs to know his father. Like he can't be raised. I've tried, you know, Raj is really Raj has really tried to fill in for you, but uh he's like an old man that's died like literally dozens of times. Don't say it, don't say it. Oh um gets knocked down. But anyway, uh yeah.

Um but listen, he like he's just an old man from centuries ago, like he can't relate to a millennial on Instagram uh who happens to be your son is and is also an expert in martial arts and one of the leading assassins of the League of Assassins at just the age of eleven.

Oh, he's eleven. Oh ish, yeah. Oh you know I don't know what to do with an 11-year-old.

Hey Dad.

Should I get him a suit?

I'm right here.

Should we do it? I don't need a suit.

Suits are stupid. No suits are cool. Nope, not cool. I have another little French. She's like, great, you're getting along. I'll leave you guys to it. She just kind of walks off.

So uh you ever listen to that song, I get knocked down and knock it up again?

No, chumbawomba's lame.

But you know the band?

Don't worry about it. Listen, Dad. I'm I'm into Wait, don't call me dad. Little baby. And call me bat, man. No. Okay, that's fair. Bruce. Your name is Bruce Wayne. No. You're the head of a multi-billion dollar corporation, which I will one day become the heir of as your child.

No, you don't you don't want the that burden.

I mean, I do. No. In fact. In fact, I I think I might be more confident at it than than you'll ever be.

No, everything's going crypto now. You don't want to deal with that. Crypto?

Yeah. Hmm. This is news to me.

It's a new bad guy.

We're a little behind in the League of Assassins. We don't necessarily on all the coins. Doge Dogecoin. Listen, Dad, uh, I think we're done here. I I don't I don't know why mom brought you out here. Uh we have nothing in common. Uh I don't even know why. Wait. I don't resemble you at all. You want to play catch?

I toss the battering around. I mean maybe just quick, maybe like five minutes. Uh no crying or nothing. But I might love you.

So anyway, whatever. We'll we'll skip that whole like whatever that happens for a few minutes. And he's like, would you uh like me to show you around the League of Assassin headquarter compound?

I mean, I'm pretty sure I've been here before, but yeah, whatever.

That's fine. True. Yeah, walk me around. You you've caused a number of repairs.

Yeah, I took [expletive] over there by that wall one time.

Yeah, we remember. Oh, good. Really gross. There used to be a plaque over there.

I made it. They must have took it down. A plaque? Yeah, saying I [expletive] there.

Oh, yeah, no. Not remembering the plaque. Listen, um, how are you at martial arts? Oh, I'm probably the best you've ever seen. He like tries to like sweep me. Yeah, tries to like sweep you. I'm gonna say he totally takes me out. It was a long drive.

I didn't stretch after I got out of the Batmobile. But don't worry, you knocked me down. I'm gonna give you a battery. No, please, no, don't say god. You know what? I'm a master of capoeira.

Yeah, what are you good at?

Capoeira.

That's a brazilian dance fighting.

Dance fighting?

No, hold on. That's not very practical in a fight.

And then the Batmobile door opens up and it's like, I get knocked out.

Yeah, we go. Is that traditional capoeira dance music? Check this out. Yeah. Are you air pumping? Oh yeah, totally.

Check pelvic thrust. Pelvic thrust.

This is what you're good at? Your mom loved it. What oh my god. Yeah, she loved it for five whole minutes. He just looks over and she's just like shaking her head, but also like licking her lips. Um listen, Dad. Uh I I want to go back to Gotham with you. That's I did actually ask my mom to bring you here. Like, I I don't want to stay here. Uh I'm I've already better than all these assassins. You know, our superior genetics and uh hard will.

I don't think you should. It's a dangerous place. You got weirdos like Bane there. Now Robin's by Bane?

Uh what? Wait, so questions, a few questions here. Bane is actually not a criminal anymore. He actually is like a self-help, he wrote a book about coming out of the closet and a lot of other stuff. He's he's doing really well. He's like a model citizen now.

I would have changed the title of his book though. Change the font color to white. You know.

Yeah. I'm not stupid. I get what you're saying. Listen, okay. Uh all right, whatever. That aside, uh, why is it cool for a bicurious uh gymnast to live with you, but not your son?

I don't question you about your lifestyle choices. You don't question me about my Okay, he was an orphan, his parents died. I took him in. He's very flexible, yes. That doesn't matter. Alfred loves him. Alfred would hate you. Who's Alfred? My dad.

Grandpa?

No, kind of.

Oh. Maybe. Oh. I love him though. He's old. He takes care of me. So he's not my grandfather. No, not at all. My grandparents are dead, right? Oh, absolutely, yeah. Way dead. Oh, totally dead. Super dead. Yeah. Is that why you are the way you are? Oh, totally. I'm really [expletive] up about it. Got it. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. I'm tracking. A lot of things making sense here. But listen, I I want to come back. Like, whatever. I Robin's cool. Uh-huh. Whatever. Uh Robin has his own room. I mean, you have what, 30 rick rooms in your house? Like, I can't occupy one of them.

No, I got my stuff in there.

You would literally rather I become an international criminal with the League of Assassins than live under your roof. Well, I don't want to have to move stuff around. One room's got weights. You don't move stuff. You're rich.

You literally pay everybody to do everything for you. Yeah, but if you want seen a cleaning lady in the weight man. I haven't. Alfred's gotta do that [expletive] by himself and he's getting old. He walks up the stairs.

Exactly. Well, maybe you need this. I could help more around, you know, I could be more active in your life. Actually, I kind of thought you could be there more for me, but I think maybe it would be better if I was there for you. I'm pretty lonely. Yeah, I got that vibe.

Yeah, I tried to own a great white shark one time. Turns out they don't like captivity.

It died. Oh, did you put him in the pool?

Yeah. Fresh no, no, yeah. Regular water pool. Oh, yeah, that's problematic. I put ice cubes in there to try to cool it down. It turns out it wasn't a pool. It was a jacuzzi.

I just want to take a minute to imagine Alfred getting like a [expletive] dead shark out of a jacuzzi. We gotta deal.

I got the shark in there. Alfred's gotta get him out. It smelled real bad. You know how many chicks were self-conscious. Get into that junior.

Listen, I'm not giving you a choice. Either I come back with you in the bat jet, or I become your worst enemy. That's a tough one. How are your skills with like weapons? Excellent. I'm name a weapon. Nun jokes. Yep. Thrilling stars. Yep. Bowler. Bowler? Yeah. Like the hat? No. Maybe. Like from James Bond when he throws like that's not a real weapon.

No, I was actually thinking of like that scene in Half-Baked with Jim Brewer and Dave Chappelle. Where he's like, they had nunjuk's bowlers, they'd be giving people Indian burns. Oh, okay. Yeah. Remember that part? Man, Jim Brewer's hilarious.

No, we don't have television here. I have a strict regim of like 10 hours of training a day and then schoolwork and then sleep and also like assassinating people. Oh. Which I would like to stop doing if I could live under your roof. Like here, it's kind of like old school, like you gotta murder people, die, come back to life, carry on the legacy. But if I go with you, I could maybe just be a rich bachelor.

Wait, so you've never seen Dexter? No. Oh, good. So what I'm gonna do is I know you have a dark passenger, so I'm gonna train you to kill people, but only bad people. And it's a completely original idea. It's all my own idea. Sound good? You can come live with me then. Yeah, all right, that works. Alright, it's a deal. Let's go.

I get knocked down, but I get up again.

20 hours. It just cuts to him throwing himself out of the vehicle as you're like crossing an ocean in the Batmobile.

Oh my god, he strangled himself with a seatbelt. I told Alfred this doesn't need seat belts. Oh man, how long have you been dead? Oh man. Oh, you're pretty stiff over there. You've been dead a while. Oh, you're bloated. My only son. No. And oh god, I have to put this on air.

I get knocked out.

And what you what you guys don't know as listeners is that to edit this obviously involves me re-listening to parts over and over again. So his jokes that he thinks is funny one time, I actually hear like 30 times. So um happy holidays. I'm hilarious.

And my throat hurts.

Oh boy, yikes. Well, yeah. Uh, what do you think about the oh my god? Oh, we're never getting sponsors. I'm back. We're never getting sponsors.

We're gonna get sponsors. WB, thank you. Um DC, thank you for your sponsorship.

How do you feel about The Batman, the new movie coming out at Robert Pattinson next year?

Robert Pattinson, he [expletive] sucks, dude. Like everyone's saying how great he is. Like, yeah, he was a good Edward, but that was about it. Like you had the one role, you're done. Name one other movie, Robert Pattinson. Well, obviously, name I'm a big potter head. He was Cedric Diggory.

But okay, name one other movie than the literally only two people.

There was another one. If you get a third one, I'll lighthouse. He was in the lighthouse. Damn it. He was actually good in that. And he was phenomenal in it, was he? I loved him in the lighthouse. You know what? I take it back.

So maybe give him a chance. No, not for Batman. Not for Batman. No. Who would your ideal Batman be, Nate? Other than Pete Holmes or you?

I really like the Christian Bale one, even though it was super uh super serious. He took himself very seriously. Michael Keaton, I did really like. Um, Adam West, I wasn't fond of. God, you're old enough to have seen the Adam West one.

I'm just kidding.

I watched like the boomerang. No, they were, yeah, they were on all the time. I remember old ones. Um George Clooney was [expletive] awful. Val Kilmer was great in Tombstone. If that expresses how I feel about his Batman.

Alright, so uh, but you gave like, no, I want you to name a new name. Like, all right, so those are you kind of just rated all of the existing Batmans. Give me who, like 2022, 2023. Like, who do we need as Batman in this modern age? Oh, Henry. Um Henry Cavill?

Yeah, I want him to play both. Like when them when he has the mustache on, he's Batman. But when he's clean shaven, he's superman, he could do it. What's the mother's name again? What's the mom's name, Chris? Martha. Martha? Martha, why why do you say Martha? Martha.

There's gonna be a that was like a plot, that was a very bizarre, important plot point for Batman versus Superman. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, I never watched it. Oh no, you don't remember? Okay. No. So like basically Batman and Superman Duke in and out kind of kicking each other's ass, but then Batman gets the kind of the advantage. He has like he like poisons him with crypto dust and also like stabs him with a crypnite spear. Like he's got a lot of tools. It's Batman, right? He's prepared. Um yeah, yeah, so he finally like he's they're they're fighting it out. Uh he gets the the like hand up on him, and then basically he's like about to kill him. And also Superman, right?

And like break his own rule, by the way, but whatever. And then what? I think Superman is hallucinating, and he says his mom's name, like Martha. Save Martha. Save Martha, yeah. He's like hallucinating or something, and he says that, and then because Batman's name is Martha, he's like, Why'd you say that? Why'd you say Martha? What are you talking about? And he just started like shaking him, like, why'd you say Martha? Oh, and he's like talking to his mom.

That's like what ends the fight, basically. Like, our moms have the same name.

Yeah, like let's be friends. He's like, This is like such a sophisticated, like technology, like like technologically advanced, like resource gentleman. And it just comes down like it. I mean, it truly always comes down to like he's so broken from his parents being dead. I guess, I guess that is a good enough answer, but it just was crazy that you're about to kill a man and he says your mom's name, and then you're just like, it's like the Rachel line that you say. It's basically that with Marcho. Right. Marco. Um, but really I found that to be a really bizarre.

It makes sense because when we showed up at DD and we're like, we're both named Nate, I guess we're friends now. It's that easy.

That's how it works.

Yeah.

And then there was a third name. We had the Council of Nates. He was yeah, he was okay.

I I dig I dig. He was always high.

He was, yeah, he was super high. Uh I liked how we just came up with like a totally bizarre rule that was if like we had a disagreement, the council of nates could just and like we weren't qualified in any way, except we both all three of us had knates. Right. So um, horrible decision on that part.

Oh, yeah, but I think we made sound decisions all one time that it went to the city. Yeah, I think so. I think so.

Oh, that's because we had DD like once every like three weeks. Oh, yeah, that's true.

Um, man, that was rough. Remember that guy with the cane? Yeah, he was cool. Drew, yeah.

I had him in my phone. I don't even remember. Because I made him I made him join the group, and then I think he absolutely regretted his life.

Yeah, I think that's when he fourthed guy joined the group.

Because so I I mean, whatever. Storytime, guys. Uh D D, I don't know how how it worked for you when you joined, but me and Chris just rolled in. First group we rolled upon was Murder Hobo Central with all of you uh with the with the group.

So like we just like-shain still DMing?

No, we were shortly after Shane, I believe. And you had stopped playing briefly. Yeah, we we appeared somewhere in your like gap there.

Uh originally I was there, and then I think I showed up the same day as Don and James to an adventure league game. Okay, and then we played for about maybe four sessions, and then you guys kept rotating, and I want to say Jeff was there too. Jeff and Megan, and then we kept going, and then I was like, [expletive] this Shane guy, I'm out of here. Okay, and then it was like two months or something like that. I think I think I'm gonna go. Was it still like a murder hobo-y dynamic thing? He was the worst DM ever.

He's like, I'm like, I want to do something like this, and he's like, No, you can't do that, but you will do something like this, like however he pictured it in his head, and I'm like, Yeah, that's great, dude. Thanks. You know? And do I get a roll of dice? No, it's fine.

Okay.

I bought all this these dice.

I mean, I'm so grateful for like me and Chris just showed up and like I felt like we found like a great group, and that was it. But it it seems like maybe there was some like shifting, but it really just seemed to be that Shane guy that was like a problem. I think so.

No one else really, and then once we got to that back room, that is when I think we had the most fun.

Yes. Back there. Yeah. And we owned that room for a while because and like when other like groups would try to go back there, we would we would amp up the like obnoxiousness, like so we'd make it so they wouldn't want to play back there, and then that was those are good times.

I don't know how many times that I did the double fist to my mouth joke when other groups were back there just to annoy somebody. Countless.

And then there was one where there was like a kid whose parents just like left him there, right?

I wasn't at that one, yes, because that was the exact same day that my I tried to get my friend Kelly from work to come in and play because he's always been super interested.

That was the exact same day he came in, and this 10-year-old kid, his parents just dropped him off, and then he apparently totally totally F by the way, because I mean this is a a like all right, it's a mall and then there's a store, but this is like a kind of sketchy kind of you wouldn't know about this back room behind the the the game store. So, like to leave your kid there, like like frankly, like no witnesses, no like nobody, like the staff isn't even back there, right? So, like with a bunch of grown men, yeah, super sketch, like weird. I mean, it goes to say that like hey, the the DD and gaming community is actually pretty cool, and like you guys actually tried to make it work.

I know you hated it. No, I tried to make it work.

Everybody else [expletive] hated the poor kid, but because I have a kid that's close to that age, I'm like, man, I feel bad for you. But he was the [expletive] worst, Nate. Right off the bat, he's like, I'm a noble, so I have all the money in the world. And I'm like, no, you don't, dude. You got like 10 gold pieces, like that's all you have to your name. Okay, but I have full plate armor. Like, dude. Didn't you guys push him in like water or something with the full plate armor? Because we were playing [expletive] the lost minds of Fan Delver that we played a hundred thousand [expletive] times, and we knew that there's a sack of coins in the fountain if you look over. Okay, I'm gonna look over.

And then I think it was [expletive] Jeff man. Walked up and pushed him in. Well, I'm gonna swim out. I forget who was DMing, and they're like, You can't, you're in full plate armor, remember? So did the kid die? Yeah, he we let him drown right there.

I wish I was there. I mean, not playing because that sounds miserable, but I wish I could have like watched that. Like how I like and I did like he like cry and leave, or like his parents just showed up like right after that.

He sat there and pouted, and then it was almost the end of the session, anyways, which is I think why we killed him and he didn't come back. Thank goodness. And like that was the final straw. Because I was trying to be nice the whole time, like whispering in his ear, kind of like, hey man, don't do that. I'll do whatever I want. I'm a noble. You know what? [expletive] me then. Do whatever the [expletive] you want.

I don't [expletive] know you. I'm trying to help you. Here's a glimpse into Nate's parents right now, I'm guessing. No, yeah, no, I totally get. And like, obviously, not the kids' fault, but like again, I just can't think of like those parents like what a piece of [expletive]. And like, I get it, right? As like Nate, as parents, I'm sure you want to like do nothing more than to dump your kid on somebody, but you've never like I've even offered to like babysitter so you guys can have like a date night or something, and you're like not gonna just let like strangers like watch your kids or have to deal with your [expletive]. Yeah, exactly.

Like, and I just think I mean that's one thing, like not taking a babysitter to go and just drop your kid off out of mall with strangers, like you're selfish pieces of [expletive]. Like, I don't care like how in like how dire straits your marriage is at that point that you need to like abandon your child and get some time, like you need to hire a babysitter. I know that can be hard, but you need to do something, dude. That's not the mall is not a place to drop this.

Isn't the [expletive] 80s anymore? You can't just drop someone off on the mall, and then those kids go off and have an adventure and fight Russians.

I mean, at bare minimum, like here's here's safe thing, like safe bets, swearing. I mean, probably swearing was going on, right? And then who knows?

Five in the table, there's definitely swearing.

Yeah, absolutely. Like that that's the bare minimum for how old was this kid, like 10? 10 or 11.

Yeah, like it just didn't super make sense because Corbin wanted to come play, and I was like, no. No, and even Megan was like, no, no, you're not gonna play. Yeah, because you're not gonna annoy everybody there. And number one, you need to know the rules. Once you learn the rules, then maybe you can go play. That's why we've been playing. I try to play DD with him and everything. And he does an okay part, but I still wouldn't let him go down there by himself. And he probably knows the rules better than half the people there.

Yeah, it's crazy. Like, do you think those parents even knew how to play DD?

Oh, absolutely not. They were fat pieces of [expletive].

That's oh wow, okay.

Well, you should have saw them. It looked like two huts [expletive] slithering into the place. They're like, Misha, shabuki's.

Because I was wondering, like, are these nerds and they're like, these are my people, they'll take care of my kid, or they're just like, oh, look, a game store. This should be sufficient.

Like, nope, they were just rednecked. And it was ours.

Was it ours?

Yeah, it was a three-hour session.

Oh, well, yeah, I know our session was three hours. They were truly gone all three. Wow.

Yes.

What a bunch of garbage.

I dealt with that for three hours.

I don't know how we got on this topic, but yeah. I don't know.

Now I'm getting heated up.

Yeah, oh boy. Um save it because you don't have air conditioning on the wheels.

Yeah, you're welcome, Megan, for the new car.

Anywho, um edit all that out in here. Listeners, forgot you were there for a minute. Sorry, yeah. Thanks for listening. Oh, thanks for stopping by.

I hope you had fun with Batman.

Hope you had fun with Batman. Uh, Obitory Blurbs here. Uh just go to our website, nowpresents.com. You can find our Patreon. You can follow our social media channels, you can watch animated clips from the show. You can, good lord, please. If you have like Apple Podcasts or something that lets you leave reviews, like I think Podcast Attic, whatever, go ahead and leave us a review that helps us rank, maybe. I hope. Um, and get excited. We talked, uh, we are gonna be eventually we keep saying season two is coming. It truly is. We are working on it just like winter. I have yeah, I have, and just like winter, there will be a lot of frigid, like desolate periods of not fun in our season two. Um, but no, season two is coming.

We have assets, we're editing or working or finding, trying to actually make something prepared and good content for you. So uh look forward to season two, support us, and I think last thing, uh share an episode. Not this one, probably, but uh if you enjoy a specific episode of our show, uh share it. The the best way uh for us to you know share our show with other people is for you to share it with other people. We've already exhausted our friends, they don't want to talk to us anymore. They don't have friends in. They don't give a [expletive]. Yeah, that's how much I've been pushing it. People have been deleting me.

All right, and have a happy holiday. Bye. Thanks for coming.