Roleplay Rapids | The Siren Of Stoma Island

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Let's do it. There's only one problem, doll. Do you think me and you can man this ship by ourselves? Because, little fun fact, once you're under the siren song, you kinda have to die.

Oh, look, there they go, right there.

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Yep, so we're still pulling in different scenarios at random. We we kind of created again. He wrote some flashcards down. I wrote some flashcards, and we just kind of kind of draw a little bit at random. Um, but the characters now have probably a little bit more structure to them. Uh so hopefully this makes a slightly more coherent episode for you guys. I think it will. And if you guys like what you're listening to that's in your ears currently, go ahead and stop by our Patreon or our website, nat1presents.com, and like support us, you know, like support us like you know how.

Yeah.

And if you don't like the stuff being put in your ears, that sounds like a personal problem. Right, or pay the five dollars a month on our Patreon, and you can be part of the Discord and really let us have it.

Yeah.

So I'll you ready to start? Yeah, I sure am, Nate. Um introduce um your character for us, please, Nate. Yeah, so I created a bard, uh, Killian Constantine. Uh he's just gonna be a he's a half elf, uh kind of middle-aged for a half elf, which they live like longer in like the lower hundreds, upwards of a hundred. So he's probably like 50 some, but imagine like your late 20s kind of guy. Um, and he's just yeah, very, very, I don't know, blonde haired, very very youthful, very exuberant. Um he's a positive person, likes to sing, breaking a song fairly often. We might see that a little bit today. Um all-around, naive kind of guy. Ooh, I love it. Yeah. So with that, with that, let's jump right into it.

So here is the scenario that you're on. You are on a ship with a full crew when suddenly you hear a siren song. For some reason, you are unaffected. You get close enough to the siren, and you can see that she is disgusting. She is embarrassed her song didn't work on you. I like it. This is so perfect for Akkillion. Nice. Alright, here we go. Here we go.

Oh, uh, hey. There.

Wow. Uh are you are you a siren?

Uh yes, I am. Um, you're not under my spell.

Oh no, no. Uh in fact, I am very I am uh very stone cold sober right now. Um wait, could you just say uh a word? Say like uh per Perganthus. Perganthus. I thought sirens had beautiful love. I mean, not that you're not b I mean, hey, uh it's your shown, but I thought the voice of a siren, I imagine like silk.

Yeah, it used to be like that back in my heyday doll, but not anymore. Um usually it still works on everybody though. Like you can see everyone else on the ship is obviously stunned and they're not looking at me.

And well, yeah, you you weaved your magic. It's just you know, it's just not what I expected, you know. Like I guess we get in our head these these things. You know, I'm a performer myself.

Uh oh, are you duh?

Yeah, oh absolutely, yeah. Uh you you might have heard uh Killian Constantine and the Constantine 3.

Can't say that I have. I've been kind of stuck out here in the ocean for a long time. The only way I get my kicks is by luring sailors into those rocks and then they crash and drown, and that's a great time for me, duh.

If there's two things I know, it's luring sailors and crashing and drowning in separate scenarios, so I I can totally relate. What's your name, siren?

Uh it's uh kind of like a weird dialect for sirens. It's Sheila.

Oh, I mean that's that's actually a pretty pretty common name. Um Sheila. Yeah, I like it. It's got a nice it's got a nice ring to it.

Wow, you do sound great, doll. Can you um wow, you're embarrassing me right now because I'm supposed to be a siren and singing's kind of what I do. No, no, no.

I music is is it's just uh it's an expression of the heart, you know? Um so out at sea and there is a siren. Um let's get to work, or you'll be firing. See, you don't you just have fun with it. You don't have to make sense, you don't have to sound amazing, you know. You're you're one of a kind, Gila.

I get that, doll. And like it's hard for me, you know, because I look down at the reflection in the water and I'm like, ugh, you know, every time I see myself, so I like I try to sing, and then at one point, like a shark came flying in out of nowhere, don't chop me right in the throat, you know, and then now I sound like this, and it's super embarrassing.

It's okay, it's okay. Yeah, so you know, maybe your voice sounds like some figs, but that's just okay. Just have some sigs. Uh, you know, I I think you there's there's something magical to you, and it it doesn't have to be your voice. I think it's it's your blunt, raw beauty. You you really make a make a check for that. Persuasion. Uh it's a five, but I have a plus seven, so it's a twelve. Twelve? I'd say it's average then.

Sure.

You know what?

You got me, doll. I believe ya. Uh what do you say me and you hit the road, you know? Like, I actually don't know how we're gonna do that. I'm stuck on these [expletive] rocks and I just gotta sing songs.

What if hop aboard, my lady? I mean, have you ever thought instead of sinking these ships, you just you get on board and uh we we sail away from here.

That's actually never crossed my mind once this entire time. I've killed hundreds of thousands of sailors.

Yeah. Well, uh, you know, instead of burning bridges, let's let's build 'em. And by bridges I mean ships. Um, so yeah, get on board. Uh I I think the next island, uh Tortuga, is is coming up. Um I think he'd kind of like it there. You know what, doll, you talked me into it.

Let's do this thing. Hold on, let me go pack my bags.

And then uh she looks around and she's like, well [expletive], I don't really don't have anything. Like it's kind of embarrassing. She just finds a shell on a rock and it's like, this is it, doll.

This is everything I got, my all my possessions.

And like while you're getting ready, he's uh maybe my guy's kind of like, look at this siren, what could those be? Her chest must be size at least triple D.

Wouldn't you think that this girl has serious back problems?

No, really, uh, you are very well endowed for a siren. I mean, like, the rest of you, not pretty to look at, but your chest, like, that's that's some big-bosomed beauty going on there.

Yeah, you don't want to know what the other sirens call me behind my back. They say uh it's fighting gravity, is what they call me. Like, I'm at a constant battle, you know. Like, most of me's upright, but the rest of me's dragging on the ground, if you know what I'm saying, doll. I'm thinking of what you're putting down, or what you're dragging down. Thank God, because my nipples are so chafed. Like, you wouldn't believe how many shells it takes to [expletive] contain these bad boys, you know?

Yeah, she shells seashells by the seashore.

And nobody's selling me anything, you know what I'm saying, doll.

No, okay, yeah. Well, um, listen, I have a proposal for you.

Uh you're gonna marry me?

No. Um, thank God, you're not my type. Like quite, yeah. Likewise. Um listen. Uh at Tortuga, there's a big musical convention, uh, a competition, as it were, and I think you and I could enter and take the cake.

Let's do it. There's only one problem, doll. Do you think me and you can man this ship by ourselves? Because, little fun fact, once you're under the siren song, you kinda have to die. Oh, look, there they go, right there.

Jumping in the water. Wow. Um, well, that is problematic. I'm just uh I'm just uh a bard, you know, like uh, you know, chasing the scepter, taking the rod. I'm just killing a big gay bard. That's each job I introduce myself.

I love it.

I imagine it's like a little like a little show. I love it. Okay. Yeah, I can't I can't do [expletive] with this boat.

Um, okay, [expletive]. Let me see. I can call upon my aquatic friends. I know a couple of them, and we can just like some dolphins, you know, and we'll ride the dolphins to the shore. How far away is this uh tortuga?

Oh, super close. In fact, I'm shocked at how close uh you guys are to uh just a very like huge cultural hub. Um and the fact that nobody has really found a problem with you being like a major um dangerous zone uh next to the the port.

Well, we kill a lot of people here, doll. Like they get close, you know, and then like we throw away the maps and stuff, and they're just lost at sea. Just throw away the maps, I got you. Hold on, hold on. Let me call let me call the dolphin over here.

Oh, this is gonna be a beautiful uh whale call, I'm sure.

Ruben! Ruben! Here they here they come, doll.

It's Ruben and his buddy uh Oh oh, I thought you were asking for a sandwich.

No, no, no. That's the that's the dolphin's name, is Ruben. I name him myself.

Nice.

Okay. Nice.

More splashes as more sailors are just jumping in my water with splash splash. Um hey, real quick, uh I hear dolphins can be really aggressive. That's that's not the case, right? You look over and like Rubens like mounted me and like really just go into town, like, oh no, Del.

You let him finish and then they're tame as a lamp.

Wow. I feel like a really great song could be written about this.

Write it right now.

Right now. Yeah, let me hear it. Yeah, sure. Um, Ruben's a dolphin, he mounts real fast. Wow, I'm surprised at how long he can last.

Surprisingly long, doll. Considering he does this every day, at least three times a day.

I'm kind of uncomfortable. It's making me itch. Wow, the shield itch such a catch.

Oh, thanks, doll. You turned it on me. Alright, Rubens done. You ready to hop on these bad boys?

Yeah, yeah. Let's uh let's ride. Not like that. I'm no, I am. This this cowboy is not for this the sailor is not for seamen. Let's go.

No, I'm picking up what you're putting down, doll. I'm a big fan of shucking clams myself.

Wow. Wow. Animal handling to ride uh Reuben's friend. I don't do that. And also um look but look out for the shucking clams swag coming out soon. Um I feel like that's gonna be a thing. Uh five plus uh I'm a bard, so of course I have a little bit of everything, but just plus one, so it's just six. Ooh, I'm gonna say like you fall on the water, you get a little wet, but yes. But we're on our way. I'm fine, I'm fine. And then does the dolphin just like come under me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and yeah, cool.

Alright, out of the way to Twatsuga.

Um sailing away. Can't wait to get there. We're gonna win the job.

We're gonna win the fair. That's all I got. I love it. It's great, doll.

I love it.

And then um you know, a lot of people say I'm not very good at what I do, but I think they're wrong.

No, I think I think you're great. Sorry, I [expletive] up there. I think you're great.

Wow. It's almost like sometimes your voice doesn't sound all that raspy and and just cut and just sharp.

It's the seawater, dolly. Like sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. You know what I'm saying? It's all the clams I've been chucking.

Do you do any vocal exercises?

Yeah, hold on, I'll give you some tips. I She pulls out like a little uh seashell notepad. It's like rule number one. Always do your vocal exercises. And it goes like this La la la la la la la. And um, I was gonna write down a rule number two, but that's about as far as I get, because by the time I see the ship, I only have enough time to do that before I let you sailors have it. You know what I'm saying, doll.

Well, I did see actually on the back, you you have this, like, so you did something with your tongue where like, mmm, and you just kind of moved it around your mouth.

Like, what's that? Oh, that's for a different exercise. That's for really shucking those clams, doll.

Oh, I'm not really following, but I'm really excited to start shucking some of those clams myself.

I don't think it'd be up your alley.

Um, you'd be surprised what I like up my alley. Oh wow, tortuga. There it is. And then I picture um you guys writing in on dolphin, and then someone off the coast is like, oh my god, it's a siren!

Kill it!

No, no, she's my friend. Listen to her beauteous voice.

La la la la. Oh my god, they got me with a spear writing my mashugana.

Shugana, mashugana. What does that mean?

Seriously, Killian, I'm bleeding out over here. I don't think I can perform. I'm bleeding a lot.

I'm bleeding out. If it's the last thing that I do.

Gillian, you son of a [expletive]. Stop making a song about this.

I serious do you have any healing? I'm sorry, it just writes itself. Oh no, uh as a bard, I I know uh a number of uh roughly uh eight spells, uh, none of which heal. Um you consider healing the heart. It's getting dark. It's getting dark, Killian.

It's getting dark in here. You son of a [expletive]. The lights are fading in, Killian. Reuben, where are you, Ruben? Reuben? Oh my god, Reuben left me.

Okay, in um this one, we are going to be doing the segment. The princess has invited all potential suitors to an evening ball. Everything seems to be going well for me until I realize that I banged her mom, and she's still into me. That's right. Uh so we're gonna jump right here. I'm not even gonna give you time to think about it. So uh you're you arrive at the door, and the guard in front says, Name, please. Flint Emberbrow here for the party.

Um apparently there's a princess that needs to be wed, and I myself, the seasoned adventurer Flint Emberbrow, plan on proposing tonight.

Excellent. Well, you're one of many, so good luck. Um, okay. You have a VIP badge. I'm not actually sure. No one else seemed to have gotten one of these, but uh, I guess maybe the princess must be really already uh aware of your your presence. So Well, I can't blame her. Have you seen me? Wow. Yeah, you look like you've been sleeping in the woods, and you kind of smell like an animal. Well, it's kind of the theme that I'm going for. There's not a lot of uh well-known druids, and I'm trying to put my name out there, but with the things that I do, you can't get shake that animal smell, you know. Yes. Uh well, hey, I don't make the list, so uh come on in. Here's your uh here's your VIP badge.

Uh there is uh pretzel bar in the back, and enjoy the night. Ooh, awesome, very well, thank you. I will show myself around if you don't mind. Um where is the princess exactly? Uh oh, she is currently greeting suitors in the grand ballroom. Then that is where I will head after I get an alcoholic beverage. Thank you.

Absolutely.

Uh uh just remember you only have three drink tickets, and after that, uh it's on your tab. Uh very well. I guess it's just three drinks for me then. Awesome. Uh all right, so you enter into the palace, and uh there's just kind of like I think Beauty and the Beast is like a stairwell, it goes up in two directions, and then like a center, big center door, and uh the servants just kind of like guide you straight up, pointing towards that big center door door. Um you approach. Yes, I walk in there, and then I want to cast um my druidcraft stuff. Okay.

That way, like some gust of we uh a gust of wind blows in and like blows my hair around, and like like flower blooms like come in and like swirl around me. That way I look extra majestic walking into this place. Okay, yeah. So the guards open the door and people are like, wow, who's that uh who's that man? He's like he's feral and wild, like a like a thorn, but also beautiful, like the rose. And uh yeah, is uh do you know his name? Uh no, no, I think it's uh stint um uh Everbro. As they're whispering, I'm just giving him like the finger point and uh wink like that. That's I'm going. Um so then actually the trumpeters are like, hey, we'll we'll announce you. Like, bro, you got the VIP badge.

So I think that's what we're supposed to do. Uh what's your what's your actual name? Flint Emberbrow. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. Please welcome esteemed druid guest man, Flint Everbrow. Emberbrow. Like that's just me making that noise. Thank you.

Now, where is this princess that needs to be wed? I have a lot of pressing matters as a seasoned adventurer that I need to be getting to.

Let's get this on with. Sure. Before uh I reveal the princess, uh, go ahead and roll a perception roll.

Net 20!

Perfect. So as you say that, you just get this like weird feeling, and you look like so you see kind of actually the princess like in the center of the ballroom, but then like she's in the foreground and in the background, like you focus for a sec, and you just see a woman staring at you like intensely, like, very intensely. And and you you you're pretty sure you recognize this woman, but you can't quite place it. Oh my god, I feel like I know her. Well, that's the queen, my lord. The the queen of this land? Yes, that that's the princess's mother. You need to charm two women this evening. Oh my dear. Um Tell me a little bit more about this queen. I feel like I've seen her before. Oh, unlikely.

Queen Deborah uh never lives the palace. Uh she's known for her crafting, uh, and also um has a number of um uh weasels that she likes to uh have tea parties with. Um there's really only one day she she ever left uh uh she she ever left uh the palace, and that was uh she actually used to be a member of this uh group called the um the Festival of Truth, and she she attended uh a session one time. Oh my god. Um she doesn't make like dream catchers for her crafting, does she? Oh yeah, absolutely. They're all over the palace. The king hates them, they're tacky as hell, but you know, what can you say? She's the queen. Oh my god, I'd I think I've met her before at this festival of truth.

Um now this gets kind of personal, but does she smell of patchouli?

Wow. I mean, really only people who were I didn't even know that until the her servant told me one day. How did you know that? Don't worry about what Flint Emberbrow knows.

He is a seasoned adventurer. Oh my god, I need to get the [expletive] out of here.

Just then the doors close, and the princess says, Well, hello, who might you be?

Oh, I am Flint not Emberbrow. Um, I just got here. I am not a suitor. Um, pardon me, ma'am.

Um, see you later. I have drinks to deliver, I guess. Oh no, silly. It's uh the ball is it's like a lockdown. We we close the doors, and until I choose a husband, uh nobody can leave. Oh my god, you look just like your mother, and it's terrifying. Um you must meet her. She is fantastic. No, no, no, no, please. She makes these delightful dream catchers. I have several. I ordered them through a catalog. Wow. Oh, my mom's just gonna love you, but you're not here to impress her.

I know I am not. I have already impressed her, I'm sure. Um years ago. Okay. Um, it was very nice meeting you. What was your name, Princess?

Jezebel. Je oh my god, Jezebel. Okay. And your mother's name was Deborah, I believe, correct? Wow, how did you know? Uh most people just call her the queen. Oh my god, I'm like I'm rolling down my sleeve. I actually have a tattoo with a heart that says Deb on it. Deb. Big Deb, she was called back in the day.

Big Debbie. Little Debbie.

Um, very well. Um there's no reason to bother your mother at this moment. Uh, let's me and you go for a walk out on the terrace.

Oh, that sounds fun, but where's one rule tonight? Everybody has to see everything. I want all the suitors to know what they're fighting for, and I want you guys to compete for my affection.

Okay, and what kind of competition do we have here?

Well, it's gonna be a long night, but first off, we have the Dance competition. I'm gonna we will uh everybody will join hands and I will take turns uh dancing with each one of you. Um and then uh it's kind of like the bachelor. Um I'll pick out hand out roses or try and out dream catchers, and uh the final uh five five uh bachelors will have a chance to marry me. Um, you know, and one day that means you'll get to be king. That sounds fantastic. Um, would there happen to be a powder room I can freshen up in or anything like that? Uh absolutely.

Uh you can't go out the door you just came in because we're not letting people leave, but uh off to the right, and there's a hallway and there is a servant's uh bathroom you mean. Very well. Um I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I promise. Be right back. Okay. Um I'm gonna go in the bathroom and I'm gonna conjure snakes. A bunch of snakes. And then, so actually it's gonna be uh I can summon two plus two per my spell level, so that's third level spell. So that'd be what is that like eight snakes or something like that? So eight snakes in the bathroom right now. Okay. And then I'm gonna open up the door.

Oh my god, there's snakes in this bathroom! Everybody needs to evacuate the castle at once.

And then like uh there's like a performer, like one of the like snake, like uh what do you call those guys? Who like play like snake charmer? There's a snake charmer, and he just like already has like a snake dancing, and so he like changed up to be and it's like play there. And all the like the all your snakes immediately just start like like rooming and like dancing around the princess.

He's like, don't fall for his music. Oh my god, I should have summoned bears. Okay. I'm glad that's over with.

Let's get to the dancing. Absolutely. Uh well, it's your turn, Flint. Let's see, uh let's see if you can lead. Uh roll a performance. Right. That'd say performance for dancing? Yeah, I think so. That's a 17 plus a zero. Okay, so do you want to be good at dancing or do you not want to be good at dancing? I don't think he's a good dancer. Like, he may he shape shifts in the animals all the time. He's not a good dancer. Okay, alright. So so you guys like you like take her very like gruffly. Yes, and you're just kind of like stepping awkwardly, and she's like, ha ha ha uh, this is this is nice, this is nice. And then uh someone taps uh you on the shoulder and uh may I have this dance?

Oh, yes, very well, and I turn and look behind me to who it is. It's Deborah, uh, and she she has not aged well. Um, she looks like [expletive]. Um throw open my mouth a little villain. Uh oh. Fancy meeting a big druid man like you here.

Oh Deborah! So pleasant to see you again after we left on such good terms. Mother, you know Flynn.

We know each other. You're I rescued your mother from a cult one time, and that was it. And she left, and we high-fived. And that was all we did.

Yeah, that's it. Uh hey, uh Jezebel, go get me some punch and uh some stuff in the pretzel box.

No, no, Jezebel, stay here.

I'm gonna show this guy uh a few steps. Oh, please. He's uh he's a two left feet kind of guy. Dear God's like Jezebel's gonna go off and then uh [expletive] Deborah is just gonna like crap you in and be like, you never return my carrier pigeons.

Dear God, Deborah, I'm so sorry, but I can't concentrate right now. Your breath smells worse than a buffalo, and I turn into animals for a living. Oh god, do you know what a toothbrush is? You're a [expletive] queen for crying out loud. Okay, I'm sorry, Deborah. You've just taken me by surprise. Let's just finish Ow, you're stepping on my feet, Deborah!

Sucker punch! I knew it.

I knew it was gonna uh with that, I'm gonna turn it into like a [expletive] what do I got? Hold on, ladies and gentlemen. I want to turn into something and make a run for it. I'm gonna turn into a goat. And then I am going to quickly gallop up the stairs and out the exit. Okay. Um, so you're gonna gallop up the stairs, um, and then while Deborah's like, close, close the doors. And uh the guards are like beginning to like pull the giant doors closed. Um give me like an acrobatics uh to see if you can like leap through the doors before they close. Um goddammit. 18 plus zero. Uh yeah, alright, you make it through. Awesome.

Um, just as and like just as the guards close the door, and uh you think you are out there alone, um, but you actually turn to the left, and there is uh the king um with like a beer in his hand, just like staring out like bapidly uh into the distance. I'm gonna transform back into Flint Emberbrow. Okay. Uh you do that and uh roll a um a constitution roll.

10 plus 2, 12.

I'm gonna say that's not enough. You feel really bad for this guy, um and you feel like you have to like see what what's going on. Okay. You there, king. May we have a conversation.

Yeah, whatever. What seems to be troubling you, I know that your wife is a bore of a person. A B-O-A-R, like the animal. And I am a druid, so I know about animals. Is there anything that I can do to help you with these things?

Uh I don't know. Maybe marry my daughter. I I don't this wasn't how I expected my family to be, you know? Like Deborah, you know, she's quite literally a bore of a woman, you know. Uh she makes she makes do you see all those those dreamcatchers around? Like they are horrifying. That's what I have to live with. Like, as a king, I thought I would be rolling in [expletive]. Like, just literally roll, but instead, they married me off to a lumberjack princess from a land who no one cares about. I'm pretty sure she joined a cult in her younger years. I can vouch for that, and I can also vouch that she does in fact have a little curly piggy tail down by her spine.

Yeah, that's hey, how how do you know that?

Let's not worry about the details there, Fair King. Um could you marry my could you marry actually, could you marry my wife? I'll I'll switch place you be the king, and I'll go on an adventure where I never have to live this mundane, disgusting you know royal life. Can't you just run away with me?

I will transform into a bear, and you can hop on my back, and we together we will ride off.

It's not that easy. Someone has to be here to reign, you know. Uh a nation doesn't simply like who's gonna run things, Deborah? Oh, you make a good point with her cloven feet and curly piggy tail. Um and then there's my daughter. Like my god, she's dumb as a sack of rocks, but she's my daughter. I need to set her up. I need to match her with a potential suitor. I can't just walk out like this, even though this life it's not for me.

I understand you completely, my lord. Um look at the moon tonight.

Doesn't it look extra shiny?

He like looks up.

Sucker punch! Get out of here! I don't even transform into an animal, I just start running away.

Uh we'll call that NC. Hello, on this portion of Roleplay Rapids. Um, this will be Nate's character, Killian the Bard. And here is his adventure.

You started an internship at a major corporation with sweet perks. However, they test their products on animals. Results vary. Hello and welcome, Killian, to our corporation. That I was too lazy to come up with a name. So now we're just known as the corporation. Um, it's a pleasure to have you on board.

Thank you. Um, it has always been a dream of mine. Um, my goals in life were number one, become a famous artist, and then if that didn't work, number two, um, sell out to a corporate. Um, just corporate giant. That's how we get about 90% of our employees. After their dreams have been crushed, they come crawling to us. But with that, let's take a tour of the facility, shall we? Let's do it. Very well. Uh you walk through the front doors, uh blah blah blah. Give me uh whatever. Investigation or just a perception, something like that. Seven? Uh if it's perception, it's one. So that's uh that's an eight. Not super sure. It just looks like a big, nice building when you walk in. Wow, this is really great.

Um, what made you choose uh this location um on this like island uh to for the corporation? And so you're not very convenient or near any kind of really public transit or anything like that.

Well, it's just nice to be out of the eye of, let's say, certain governing facilities. We like to push the boundaries here at Corporation Corporate.

Yes, absolutely. Um that's what I've always liked about you. You guys aren't afraid to just go where no other um, you know, like step over the line of of any any other corporation. Um that is correct. We step over that line, we cut up that line, and then we snort that line, if you know what I'm saying.

I don't. Um well let's continue on with the tour. The very first room is our product room. Feel free to take some samples here. We make certain shampoos, conditioners, uh lotions, poisons, whatever your heart you know can desire we make here.

It's amazing. You have like a major share in pretty much every industry uh really that exists. I I'm I'm I'm really just how do you do it? Like, how how do you get so good at so many different products and markets?

Well, here at Corporation Corporate, we don't follow guidelines per se, like the other companies do. We kind of do what we want, and it shows in our products. Don't touch that product, it's highly volatile. But it shows in our products.

Yeah, it absolutely shows. That's why, you know, the whole do what you want to do, it said it on the HR planta, and there and there's just a guy just like with a thumbs up and something on fire in the background, and it really spoke to me, you know. Like, as a musician, like I just want to create and express, you know, and like selling the best products, winning the share. If you hurt people, no one cares. You know, it's like a little jingo I came up, and I just thought, you know, like it could really represent what you guys do here. That's gonna work great for Corporation Corporate.

And a little fun fact, the guy who gave you the thumbs up in HR used to actually work down in the plant facility, but that's all he has is that one thumb.

So really he could have been waving at you or giving you a middle finger. Nobody knows. He just has that one thumb. But let's continue on with the tour, shall we? Absolutely. Thank you. Very well. Um Can I keep this uh bile of whatever this is? Ooh, absolutely. That would be our shrinking agent.

Um, some cultures like to put it on their feet and then they get tiny little feet, and it's we've messed with it a couple times. Some people like their feet get all deformed, and it looks like an ankle and then a big toe connected to that.

Sure, it must be really hard to get that formula right, especially without really, you know, testing it on anybody or anything living.

Well, surprised that you bring that up. Here is um a next room.

It is the testing facility. And you walk inside and it's nothing but like cages of animals. Oh my god. Wow, this was not what I expected. Well, what'd you think we were gonna do? Test on human beings? We're not animals. Like these animals here at Corporation Corporates? Yeah, I guess I just I don't know. Like, I thought maybe you took volunteers or like, take the guy with the thumb, you know. Like, I just assumed he signed up for this, and that, you know, there was kind of something sexy in the risks that was being taken by, you know, but animals, like, do they don't they don't have a choice? No, they do.

All these animals signed a waiver to be here. We took a little pen and shoved it in their paw, and then we took their paw and made them forcibly sign a waiver.

Wow. Oof, that sounds really sketchy. I mean, oh, is that a ping pong room in the back? That is a ping pong room, and we actually play with penguin eggs. Like, we just take penguin eggs and we bat them against the wall. They don't bounce or anything, it just gets yoke all over. But that's one of the many fun perks you have here at Corporation Corporate. Uh, the perks are unrivaled, but and I'm gonna like look down at like an animal and it just like looks totally like so like just crushed and then like hurt and unhappy and scared. Um, and I'm gonna I'm gonna I I I'm gonna use my animal handling and maybe make a roll and see if I can like comfort it and just like see.

Maybe it's just like shy, you know?

Yeah.

An 11, and then I have plus one's a 12. Um, you get the the idea that the animal is definitely hurting. But that's about all you're getting from it with that role. Well, you know, innovation takes sacrifice, I guess.

Um oh, it seems you've uh caught the eye of little Buster there.

I'm gonna say it's like a bunny. Yeah. I'm like, if you want to see something super fun and like Buster loves it all the time, you're gonna want to push that little red button right there by Buster's cage. Ooh, he looks like he needs some chairing up, and I push the button. And then all of a sudden, like electric shock comes in and just shocks Buster.

Like, oh my god.

Yes, Buster loves it. He loves it a uh a great deal. Now, um take some of that sample that you have there and squirt it right in Buster's eyes. No, no, that sounds awful. Oh, give me that.

You said it was for oh, I'm gonna try to take it from you. No, it didn't work.

Yeah, I pulled away. I'm like, hey, listen, I I don't I don't know how I feel about all that. I thought you guys, when you said test on animals, I thought uh, you know, maybe just like uh the shampoo or something.

No, no, no. We test everything on the animals. In fact, check this out.

And he reaches in, he pulls out like a little can of mace in his pocket. Give me a busta, you little trollop, and he's blasts Buster the bunny right in the face of mace. Oh my goodness. Listen, I I don't know. I I don't think there's anything you can do to tell me uh to get me uh to keep this internship. In fact, I think I need to go take this to higher up, maybe to the council of of of of fair law and work uh inhabitants.

Very well. Um a lot of people when they first show up have these ideas about animals. Now I'm gonna show you to our theater room where you will watch a small video and hopefully that changes your mind. And after that, here at Corporation Corporate, uh you feel free to do whatever you feel necessary.

So please follow me to the theater room. Alright, fine, but I'm not doing this because of the swag bag you just handed me, which has a lot of cool stuff in it. He gives you the winking point. And then uh you walk into the theater room, and it's just it's like uh two aisles worth of chairs, but a nice screen up on top, and then like you sit down and get comfy. Uh, can we offer you some buttered popcorn and maybe a beverage? Yeah, absolutely. Uh I'll I'll take just that. Surprise me on the beverage as long as it's not one of those aisles, right? Oh, very well.

You got it, and then he uh claps his hands, and then a chimpanzee comes walking in with a little bow tie and a hat, but he's like missing a flip. Yes, it's like a stuffy work.

Oh man, this is [expletive] terrible. And then he adds you the popcorn and uh he turns around and like goes to give you the soda, but he doesn't let go of it. He's like trying to get you to make eye contact with him as you go to grab it.

What? Do you do you not want me to have this, little bud?

Um Jimothy! Let go of that man's soda! Killian is gonna work here, Jimothy. You need to let go.

Jimothy, um Hold on, Killian, I'll get the bottom of this. And he pulls out one of those like long pro cattle prods. Just let's Jimothy have it. Oh, okay, okay, here, here. I'll drink it. I'm drinking it. There, here we go. Alright, please stop prodding Jimothy. Alright, sorry about that, Killian. You know how these animals are always acting like animals. Is there um anything else I can get you? And he like tosses you a little bag of gold. Um thank you. Uh I guess this will pay for the parking validation. Um, no, let's just get this film underway and then I'm out. And I I gotta be honest, I I don't think I feel any differently.

In fact, I think that display of of lack of humanity just made me uh more adamant about what I need to do when I leave here.

I used to be just like you, Killian, just watch this video that I made personally, and hopefully it changes your mind about the whole thing.

I like lean back in the armchair and like rest my hands on the armrest and just kind of like fully embrace the chair. Okay, and uh give me a Dex roll. Oh, you crush it.

Uh like two clamps shoot up and try to like sneeze and like as like the clamps come up, I like blow my like and like the clamps like close.

Oh, that's pretty odd. Wow, how did that happen?

That must have been Jimothy acting out again. I'll be sure to give him an extra tasering later. No, there's no need for that. Uh do you do you use that to restrain people? No, because sometimes the at first the movie can be a little upsetting. And I want to do an investigation on the chair and see if there's any like switches or levers or anything like suspicious. Not one. Not one. So I fail. It looks like a very comfy chair. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, well, I guess I just I like grip on to the like the the like wrist like shackle things is kind of like like hand things, and I just lean back and like, alright, let's cut this over with. Alright, and with that, the Jimothy! Play the movie.

And the movie starts rolling.

Here at Corporation Corporate, animals are your friends.

We love animals so much that we beat the living hell out of them. Look at little Timmy here, and it's like a little like baby seal. Little Timmy has had a 27 experiments done to him just today. How are you feeling, little Timmy? And like little baby seal eyes are all swollen up and like crying and [expletive].

Well, little Timmy here's time to go night night, and then here we go. And then he pulls out a club, and it goes a club, little Timmy.

That's when the movie stops. And he just I get out, and I'm like, I am done here. I I just head to the exit. Killian, what seems to be the problem? You just clubbed a baby seal, and what really bothers me the most is not watching that that act of brutality, but that you actually thought that was for some reason going to convince me to work here.

Did you not see his eyes, Killian? He had it coming.

I'm done here. I'm out. Killian, wait! And I'm taking Jimothy.

No, not my Jimothy!

Jimothy, attack! I like, I'm like, I free you from your shackles, and I like, I don't know, uh, I'll use uh I have a rapier so that they for some reason didn't disarm me with as a bard, and I will I'll cut like through his little like chain things that were like him. And yeah, I'm gonna be like, take what's yours, Jimothy. Uh roll another animal handling check just to be sure. It's the same. Uh Jimothy turns on you. Oh no. And then he like jumps and attacks you. Uh he's going to bite you.

Ah.

So take like a d4 damage. Okay. Uh that's four damage, yeah. Timothy's mad.

Jimothy, no, what have they done to you, Jimothy?

See, I told you, Killian, you need to put these animals in their place now. Just stab Jimothy right in his little monkey heart. I can't do it. Ah, he bit me again. [expletive]! Jimothy, no. Do it, Gillian. No, I'm not gonna- Ah! Bye! Yeah. Yeah, I do it. And then uh you kill Jimothy. I kill him. He's only a little monkey. Or the chimpanzee. Wow. And then he's dead now on your rapier. And he's holding the blade that's pierced his heart, and he's looking at you in the eyes. And then he like puts his little chimpanzee finger on your lips. And then he goes the dark. Do you have a 401k? Yes, we do, with a match.

Welcome aboard, Killian. I knew you'd love it here.

Uh check out our Patreon, check out our YouTube channel, go ahead and hit like, subscribe, and thanks for playing with us. Awesome. Thanks, guys.