D&D Deathmatch | Sub-Zero vs Kung... Lou?

You're about to listen to the first experimental season of our show, formerly called Nat One Presents the Podcast. For better audio quality and our current ongoing DD campaign, skip ahead to season two featuring the Daft Monks on this episode of Nat One Presents.

Kung Lao, I challenge you to mortal K Kung Lao, is that is that you?

It's pronounced Kung Lu. And then I turn around and I I want a picture in my head that he still has the big hat.

Adventure. Heartwarming stories, role-playing that could only be seen by the gods. Here at Nat One Presents, you get all that and more. Now join us as we start another epic tale of con.

Just kidding. This is Nat One Presents, a tabletop role-playing game podcast that takes your favorite nerdy games and pop culture icons and ruins them with improv. Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Podcast. Hey Nate, how's it going? It's good. Good to good to see you back. Uh I see that that smirk you got. Is that from Stimulus Money? I see. Oh yeah, big stimulus check coming in. One of the only reasons I got kids is because I saw these stimulus checks coming down the pipeline. You saw a dollar signs. And it was.

But I am grateful that we got it and we're doing okay. Like I'm lucky. I know some people out there aren't, and it is what it is, but let's try to make the best of it.

And I think them listening to our show brightens up their day regardless of any kind of financial situation you're in. You know what you don't need a stimulus check to do, Nate? What's that? Become a patron. Because it's only a dollar. You could with the stimulus checks, one person could bec could be a patron 1,400 times of our show. I'd say that's a great investment because you're getting like top quality entertainment from that. Tip top tip. Tip top. So what what else have you been up to aside from making make a bank? Oh well, with like this downtime and stuff, I figured it's time my kids get into that age where I need to start introducing the new games and everything.

So we decided to take a crack at risk because he's really into uh basically like anything geography or country related or even war related. And we played the first game, and I understood the rules better than he did, so I won. But then we played again, and my wife was like, Hey, go easy on him, and he [expletive] crushed me into the ground. And then he wouldn't let me hear the end of it for at least two weeks until we played again. And then I went serious, he beat me, and then after that, he's like, I'm gonna start playing mom. And I'm like, Okay, you do that. So funny thing about your sonage is that pretty sure he will either be president or some kind of like dictator in the future.

Like he is like he has this military like leadership mind, um, and it terrifies me. Yeah, for sure. It's I think it's definitely gonna be the the second option there. And as a parent, you can only be proud when your stun son storms a country and takes over. I'll just be like, yep, that's my boy, you know. So uh speaking of maybe uh global powers and uh nations competing, uh I'm gonna call out uh Australia. You drop the ball, and are now our second most listened to uh country of the Net One Presents, the podcast, uh, is India. So Jai Ho. Uh thank you. Thank you, India. You guys have heart, Captain Planet reference. Heart. Uh so yeah, all right.

So uh we wanted to thank in addition to countries of the world, and also a percent of our show is probably only like 10 listeners, but whatever. Um thank you, Kyle. Uh, we do have some new patrons I want to thank, uh, per usual. Um, because you know, it's only a dollar, it's that easy. Uh Jock and Nerd Podcast. Um they were super kind, became a patron of the show. So that was that was really cool. Awesome. Yeah, awesome. And and then another podcast as well. And uh, and and this is another one um I'm a big fan of. They also probably the closest in style to us, they just do an ongoing campaign, but they're just horror. It's there's called the wrong heroes podcast. They became a patron, thank you.

Um, but they also just basically are three terrible heroes on like a campaign and just doing everything wrong. It's the most fun, really. It's super good. I love it. Um, I'm also a patron of their campaign, I'll just go ahead and throw that out. So uh totally give them check them out, both of those Jockner podcasts for your your geek marvel comic book news, and then check out the wrong heroes for uh just hilarity campaigns and DD.

It's awesome to like with our peers and be a part of the community, you know.

I know like just getting into it. Yeah, like yeah, I know other podcasts, it's no big deal. No big deal. Like we we talk and stuff, it's whatever. But you know, that's enough of them. Uh I want to talk about what we like to talk about, and that's us and what we're doing today on the show.

Correct. Today we're going to be doing a DD deathmatch. We actually did a poll, and I don't know who voted for what.

Uh, my mom said she voted and couldn't remember who she voted for. So there's that. Yeah, we had some different answers. It was, I think the tie was between between uh who was it? I think Doctor Strange and Scarlet Witch, because that's probably you know timely with one division. It's hot, right? So hot right now. So hot console. So hot right now. Uh and then the other one we had put out there was Sub Zero versus Scorpion, because Mortal Kombat movie is coming out pretty much probably by the time this episode's out. Now, Nate, you being you, I have pitched let's do the of since there was a tie, let's do the uh scorpion versus subzero. But you can't just make things simple. No, I can't.

Nate can never just take if I pitch uh like a standard concept, he's gotta modify it and it's gotta be weird. So, what what did you pitch? What or what is the deat match we're doing today?

Well, if we're gonna talk about beforehand, nobody voted for predator versus predator, and I'm a little upset about that because my idea was the actual predator from the movie versus a child predator, and apparently nobody was going for that. I'm obviously gonna lose. We're not gonna let the child predator win on that one presence. He's a gonna lose, he's gonna die in a horrible fashion.

But besides that, moving on, we decided uh Scorpion Sub Zero, and I didn't like that because I don't want to do a Scorpion voice. Nate's not a basic [expletive], I sure.

Yeah, I do enjoy a good pumpkin spice latte, but that's a different [expletive] story.

Now, I was like, okay, let's do something else. What about do you remember the first movie? And of course, Nate was like, Yeah, I remember the first movie, you idiot. And I'm like, okay, sorry. What about that guy who was fighting in it and didn't have any powers and didn't look like he belonged there at all? Johnny Cage's friend. What if I want to be that guy, but change it up a little bit? So in the end, we decided I would be a guy named Kung Lu, L-O-U, not to be confused with Kung Lao, the actual fighter, Kung Lu, and he's just your average guy.

And then uh we'll play in the role play a whole backstory that I created with him via text messages that I sent to Nate while we were laughing, and I think we'll just go from there. Anything you want to add to that, Nate? Like, what was your thought process?

So it was like I pitched it and I almost knew it was gonna be too like straightforward for you. So I expected something to come back. I did not expect what you pitched. I almost don't want to spoil some of the things that we talked about, but what I might start doing after the show is putting on our Patreon like screenshots of our text conversations of just like what like the the brains, the process, as it were. But yeah, no, you you pitched it and I hated at first. Like you know, like at first I was like, mmm, but then we like we start. This is what always happens is like Nate pitches an idea, I hate it.

Then he starts role-playing it via text, and then like I get into it and start doing it back, and I'm like, oh, this is funny, I think so. So hopefully, uh, you the viewers, it's kind of what you asked for, it's kind of not, and that's how we do things here at Night. Deal with it. It's only a dollar.

And for those of you who don't know, Nate is actually a hard egg to crack when it comes with something he has an idea for, and if he doesn't like it, so luckily I've been blessed by my powers of coercion, and I got Kung Lu into this game, and I'm super excited to play him.

I will say I came up with the name Kung Lu. That's true, that's true. Yeah, so yeah, so the premise today, right, is that we're at the tournament, Mortal Kombat. Yep, and I I we are Sub Zero is just regular Sub-Zero. So Sub Zero thinks he is going to meet up with Kung Lao for a tournament to have his match. Um and he is shocked to find instead um somebody else by the name of Kung Lu. And that's what we're gonna roleplay today. And I think before we start that way, I don't have I can kind of describe what he looks like to the audience. That's important. It is important.

He is going to be um mid-40s, balding, but the hair that is or makes the the backwards U shape, that's kind of long a little bit. So what's the guy's name from Aqua Teen Hunger Force? Carl. Carl. Yeah, so he looks kind of like Carl. He's got a little bit of a gut going on, you know, and that's how I'm picturing Kung Lu. And he's got like uh his own dojo like deep cut V t-shirt on with the sleeves ripped too, so it just looks like two little pieces of Hulk Hogan fabric coming over his shoulders. And I think uh that's basically the gist. Actually, one more thing, he's gonna have like a coffee stain or something on his shirt too, because [expletive] it.

Yeah, why not? He's a slob, yeah. Um, yeah, and then I like to remind people, so I mean, aside from Nate and I going back and forth, and we we just kind of like pitch some ideas, but we don't plan out the role play for DD Deathmatch at all. So wherever this goes, God help us, um, is where it goes. But it's it's from mostly improved, uh improvised the whole time. So and uh if I make any kind of remarks that offend anybody, I'm sorry. This is for comedy and it's not me, it's Kung Lu. Yeah, this is coming from the last D Hunters, if you haven't yet watched it. Uh if you've watched that, you know why. Right. And thank you for continuing to watch after D-Hunters.

I cannot wait to look at the animals. The graph is gonna drop so dramatically after that, or we're gonna be like on social media for all the wrong reasons. Mm-hmm's just like left, left, left, left, gone. Even like our parents Yeah, they're like, I can't watch this [expletive] anymore. What are my kids doing? Alright, so without further ado, let's uh let's do the role play bit of our DD deat match. Let's do it. Alright. I'm gonna say it starts with Sub Zero. So Sub Zero, your guys are already there. Um, just kind of like maybe with your back facing um us, like just standing in the ring. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And uh so Sub-Zero comes in and he's like, Kung Lao, I challenge you to mortal k Kung Lao, is that is that you?

It's pronounced Kung Lu. And then I turn around and I I want to picture in my head that he still has the big hat, but this is just like a straw hat that they use like in the fields, you know? And he's like, oh, like stern looking at you. Pronounced Kung Lu.

Who are you, my opponent? Sub-Zero? What kind of name is that? It's like an ice pun kind of. Uh but listen. I'm the one asking questions here. You you what's I I have a match with Kung Lao right now. Where is Kung Lao? I am your opponent. It says so on my invitation right here, and he pulls out the old dragon scroll. So Sub-Zero's gonna do like an ice monocle. Like he's gonna like freeze a monocle and like grab it from you and take a look, and it does in fact say sub-zero versus Kung Lu. And he's like, Whoa, would you look at that?

Yes, there's some fudging there over the O and U. There's kind of like an A and an O shape. It looks like But I was invited to this tournament because somebody was informed of my prowess with the art that is Kung Fu.

It was a typo, wasn't it?

It could have been. But I am here regardless, and I want everyone here to know that I also teach Kung Fu down at the Rec Center on Wednesday nights if you want to stop by Kung Lu's Kung Fu.

This match is not televised. You you realize the purpose of Mortal Kombat, right? Like this isn't a television event. It's it's not no. I mean, if you look around, we're on a remote island that has like a mirage around it.

I thought that it might be some kind of pub stunt, you know. I brought DVDs. I'll be selling them after the match.

There's nowhere to play those. I got my hair cut for no reason then. Listen, this is a very, very important match. I'm not sure you you realize the the weight of the world literally is on uh our shoulder, your shoulders. Uh we've lost well, you you're the humans of of Earth have lost Mortal Kombat nine times out of ten. So if you lose, it technically if if the humans lose Mortal Kombat outward, they're gonna merge, is there gonna be some blending, it'll be a horrible sequel movie, it'll be terrible. It'll be absolute annihilation. Uh, you know, so I don't are you sure you this this mount, this even though you are my opponent, this mount this this match will count for towards you know the tournament.

Is this something you really want to screw the rest of Earth? Uh Earth? Or are we talking about America? 'Cause you say Outworld. I didn't know I was gonna be fighting some guy from Mexico, you know.

Outworld, disgusting place. You guys are already trying to merge into Earth, aka Freedom Land. Oh my god. Where I'm from. But uh don't let that stop you, because uh I've learned everything there is to know about the Orient.

Hence my name, Kung. What what? They don't call it the Orient anymore? No. Uh listen, I'm I people know me. Uh I I'm not a bad guy, but I'm kind of a bad guy, if you know what that means. You know, like I I'm kind of a million of sorts. Uh and you know, despite all that, you still seem like the bigger douche right now. Uh because I'm pretty sure you're appropriating other people's culture, which not even I do. Um I don't know. This is authentic. I'm like an actual ninja, like shinobi. Are you? Because you're wearing like a blue version of the Lion O outfit. And some kind of mask. Can you even breathe in that? The coronavirus isn't on this island. All right, you don't need the mask.

Okay, you call me whatever you want. I'm an anti-masker. He's got a chewing tobacco in his mouth. Disgusting. My body is at sub-zero temperature, so I cannot catch disease like you weak earthlings can. Uh, this does does doesn't make sense. I should have watched some matches before this, but to be honest with you, I ate something on the ship on the way over here, and I had the meat sweats real bad. So I had to go lay down for like the first five minutes, you know, of the man's. Was that you? I thought there was a corpse over by the bench. I thought someone died on a bench. Yeah, once I get the meat sweats real bad, I kind of look like a a walrus out of the ocean, you know. That's what I thought.

I thought a walrus had entered the tournament.

Yeah, I get that a lot, but don't let that fool you. I am a trained martial artist.

Yes, let's let's go a little bit more into that, in fact. What are your qualifications? Which what is your your um art form, your martial art? It is uh the way of the death fist. And it's a pamphlet that I bought out of the back of a magazine, and that is how I trained. I've I've read it for hours. Let me see that I hand it to you, it's all like used and abused, and I have really been reading it for hours and hours and hours and hours. You realize this is a recipe for orange chicken. Oh. I thought about that. I thought it was uh a guide to your diet for the training. I've been eating a lot of oranges and sesame oil for some reason. I didn't know what that was about.

Maybe that's why I get the meat sweats. I was just going to say, yeah, that might be the meat sweats. Yeah, that could be why. Listen, are we gonna fight where's the referee in this thing? Uh do we have uh no, there's not usually a ref. Usually just one of us will be dead and the other will not be. Uh so it's uh you know, it's kind of clear who the winner is. Wait, did you say dead? Yes, yes. Mortal combat, uh, you know, mortality is is kind of what's at stake here. Uh your mortality. So uh yeah, one of us will be not figuratively like when you lay it on the bench like a whale, uh an ocean mammal, but one of us will actually be dead by the end of this fight.

Oh well, I thought it was another misprint because they spelt combat with a K, so I'm like, they're just making up words and [expletive] for this tournament.

I'll give you that. I've never fully understood or understood. I thought it was to make it edgy. Like we gotta have combat with a K. This tournament is riddled, positively riddled with grammar and spelling mistakes. Right. I think uh Johnny Cage's guy. Uh Jerry. Ooh, yeah, that's a Jerry guy. Yeah. This is his cousin.

Was he the guy walking around with the $500 sunglasses?

Yeah, you know the guy with the never mind, forget. Sorry. Okay. Do we really have to fight to the death though? Because I got another thing after this. Like, I got a kid's class I gotta teach.

I don't know if I told it is time.

For Mortal Kombat. Oh my god. Cue the Technic music. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Sub Zero. Kung Kung Lu. Kung Lu. Greta. Captain Flint.

Fire Kid.

Linka. Can we just do this for now? Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna lie, I think we both thought of that that intro before, and I was gonna make that song for you. I still might, which is all of our characters. Right. And then like put the track.

Um for yeah, for like in this episode of Nat one for that.

That's it. I'm just using this clip. It's not gonna make any sense. That's it. Yeah.

Linka. Um hold on, hold on. I don't really want to fight to the death. Are you sure we have to fight to the death?

Yes. The deja vu? Yeah. Yes, yes, we have to fight to the death. I don't I don't think I signed. I think this is the wrong name on the invitation. I don't think I'm meant to be here. I'll go. No, you just literally pointed out, and in fact, they also included your address because that's how you got the invitation. Like, see, there's a on the back is the postage, and it was mad. Do you live at um 151 uh Masterman Avenue? Yeah, that's actually where the rec center is at. I live up in the attic of the rec center. Rents cheaper up there, you know? No, I I don't. I I don't really have a home. I just travel the world annihilating other combatants. I could see that with your blue bulging sorts.

Yeah, it's you look really strong. I I I okay, let me go get my fighting shoes, and then I'll be back here, and then we'll fight to the death. And then he just starts like trying to mosey away. And then I'm gonna like freeze his feet and be like, you have signed a contract, Kung Loo. You you and I. Whatever this will be, uh, and I'm not expecting much. Honestly, if you could even lay a hand on me, I'd be impressed.

Well, that was a fancy trick hiding a fire extinguisher in your arm like that. And like kind of chip at the ice a little bit. Be like, it looks like we're about to rumble, and then he pulls out a bandana and ties it over his bald head.

Just imagine this is very like Cobra Kai. It's Mortal Kombat. He's like, let's rumble. And he like does this like Irish boxing style thing. It's like this guy doesn't even know Kyle. Yeah, it's like very clear, very clear.

And then uh, so now we're gonna take a break for a word from our sponsors.

You've heard others, but nothing could prepare you for the shameful stupidity that is the Jock and Nerd Podcast here Imren. So if you offend everyone at once, it's all it's a watch. I've covered everybody. Anthony. Sorry, I was texting. Say that again. And rug boy. Yeah, whenever there's a snowstorm, my slack all tightens up. As they talk over one another. Just exactly the same thing. We're talking over each other. It's alright. Swear. We had boobies and asked you for money. Just give us the money. The Jalk and Nerd Podcast. Can't be silly, goofy, fun.

Uh jogging nerd.

Hmm.

And we're back. Totally natural. Okay, so let's go ahead and roll for initiative and see who goes first. All right. I somehow imagine Kung Lu is not gonna be very uh fast on his feet. No, he's not. Alright, so it's gonna be a 15 plus two for me.

And I got a four plus one.

Wow, I'm just surprised you had a positive uh initiative. Yeah, Kung Lu's pretty dexterous. Yeah, sure, we'll go with that. Um, okay, so uh what I'm gonna do, uh Sub Zero is going to kind of test the waters. Like he likes to play with his food, he's that kind of guy. You know, he likes to freeze off someone's arm and then beat him with it. Kung Lu just likes to eat food as is noted by the meat sweats. That's gonna be the next t-shirt for our swag campaign. Um meat sweats. Go ahead. If you're on social media, go ahead and hashtag tag us in a post and then do some kind of hashtag meat sweats. I would appreciate it. We would appreciate it, and then we'll we'll post it and share with everyone else.

Um, so he's gonna play with you at first, and he's just going to cast uh you can start with the spell. Because um, just so you know, I built kind of a like sorcerer monk hybrid characters.

Oh, okay, okay.

And it's actually, you know, it's been so long since we did DD Deathmatch. So just a quick recap. Uh Nate and I both agreed to make level 10 characters, and this time Nate actually made a level 10 character because. Time he just ignored that and made a five. Don't know why. Five's easier. Ten and ten. Ten's a little bit more fun. We we both have uh numerous abilities we can pull from. And then, yes, Dungeons and Dragons is not really made for 1v1 PvP, but you know, we didn't plan the COVID, the COVID planned us. That didn't make sense. But here we are. And so uh yeah, so we just kind of go back and forth.

We we play with the mechanics as they would work in a campaign, but we're just doing like a 1v1 pvp. Right. To our rule setting that we use. So if something doesn't jive with the way you play play DD, like too bad, so sad. This is the way we play DD. Get with the program. Get with the program, right? Alright, so sub zero, he's gonna just be kind of eyeing you suspiciously, and he's almost like gonna sassily gonna like cast ice knife, which is just I'm imagining like he just whips kind of like a literal like ice dagger. And uh let's see if it hits. So uh does a 17. That does hit. Okay, so uh then he's gonna so he's gonna throw the ice knife at you.

I'll go ahead and roll the damage, which is uh, I think is going to be um so it's gonna be eight total damage. It's a six plus two. Okay, okay. Uh and then uh roll a uh I think it is a deck save. Okay. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And that is going to be a 16 plus five. Okay. No, uh, so you pass it. So you're not gonna take so uh I hit you with the knife, and it does kind of uh graze you a little bit with the with the frozen little ice dagger I threw at you. Perfect.

Um, and then it kind of just goes past you, and uh the spill ice knife kind of explodes, but it doesn't, you're not in the vicinity when it explodes or you you dodge out of it. Some I picture myself just like falling down, like after it grazed me. I'm like, oh, and I just fell down and it kind of like exploded in the air above me. I can see that. Perfect. Um, so it's gonna be your turn. Okay dok. So first attack, Kung Lu kind of brushes off the ice, probably bleeding a little bit, bleeding sweaty meat sweats. First attack is gonna be a that would be a 12 plus six. Uh what's that, an 18? Yes. Yeah, it's gonna hit.

Okay, that'll be a six plus two for damage, and then I'm gonna attack again, and that's going to be a nine plus six. Ooh, uh that matches. Ooh, so that's gonna be a hit still. And then we're gonna roll again, and that's gonna be another six plus two, and then this time I'm gonna spend a one key point to do a con save for you. Like he's gonna do like kind of like a stunning blow. Okay. Where if it you don't pass the con save, then too bad, so sad. All right, so I will give you a con save. Oh my god, it's a two plus one, so it's gonna be three. Kung Lu is still in this game.

Oh, yeah, I just had to get loosened up a little bit, you know. Take a notch off of my belt, get like a little warmed up.

And then uh with that, uh, he's going to attack again since you are now stunned for a round, right? Uh yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. Okay, dope. That's crack. He's gonna roll. And that is going to be a two to hit. That will not hit. Kung Lu cannot hit a stunned guy. And okay, that will be a nine again. So four plus two, six damage. Okay. Um, so now it's back to my turn, right? Yeah. That only lasted one turn. Yep. Only one turn. Okay. So I'm a little caught off guard.

So you basically like kind of like I threw it, you kind of took the hit, but then you just kind of like came at me, did a couple blows, and then even like stunned me with one of your hits, and I'm like, Kung Lu, you sneaky devil, you. Like you see my jelly just like flowing. Yeah. Some fighters have never even laid a hand on me. That is impressive. I will treat you like I treat everyone else, and now I'd considered not killing you had I won, just out of pity and mercy, but now I will fight you truly to the death, my friend. May the victor live. I respect that. I do. Let me double check the pamphlet real fast.

Uh while you do that, uh, so I'm going to uh use a spell slot and cast hold person. Okay. Um, and I'm imagining I'm doing it with like ice power, so I'm kind of like almost like frozen arms grab like grab you and and and try to hold you still. So you have to make a wisdom saving uh throw. Okay. Um, and I just just want to note real quick that uh this I'm using uh it's fine. Good. Okay. That's gonna be a fail. Uh what do you roll? 11. Oh, yeah, it's fail. Okay, yeah. So then you basically have to uh you're you're you're also stunned, and you have to to get out of this at the end of each of your turns, you have to make a wisdom.

Or I think you're paralyzed is the correct term. Uh you're paralyzed, so you don't get your turn, and at the end of each of your turns, you can roll to like shake it off. You could almost say I'm frozen in place. Yes. Okay. Frozen with fear. Ooh, yeah, I like that. So it'd be uh so it'd be like and then uh he'll say something like, Chill out, Kung Lu. We're just getting started. That's been that was very uh Van Helsing or cheesy. But uh and then I'm gonna forever just like theatrics because uh Sub Zero still thinks he has this in that bag.

He's gonna use a Kai point uh or a key point, and he's going to use uh step of the wind, uh, which uh allows me to kind of uh do like a uh a dash jump slash movement kind of uh out of the way. Very ninja-esque. Yeah. So I'm gonna do this like step of the wind backflip acrobatic, and I'm gonna like flex. Maybe there's some I'm gonna say like some people have started to gather around because like it's starting to spread that like some rando guy got entered into Mortal Kombat. So now like there's some some some actual people watching, and then he's gonna flex and just kind of like, yeah.

And he's gonna like, I don't know, like like breathe out, and he has that like the you know how like in cold air you can like see the breath, and then it's gonna like form into like a frozen like finger or something, a middle finger emoji, if you will. And that's it. So uh it'll be your turn, but you are paralyzed, so go ahead and try to try to break it with a wisdom saving throw. I'm also imagining that while this is going on, like uh some outworld guy sees my stack of DVDs over there, and then he's like, [expletive] it, DVDs for sale, Kungaloo DVDs over here, Kungaloo.

Like maybe I'm getting some fans, you know.

And that's gonna be a uh 18 plus two to break out of it. So you actually do. So how to describe to me how you break the ice how you unfreeze your your prowess. I think he sees the guy selling his DVDs and he just becomes filled with rage, and he's like, and then he just breaks out like super saiyan almost.

He's like, I want a percentage of those sales.

Nice.

And then uh is that my turn or do I get a that is your turn.

So next you actually get a turn again after this, but that that finishes it. Fair enough. So then uh I'm gonna go ahead and I'm going to do uh some some kung fu on you. So I'm gonna just do it. I'm gonna uh move forward and do an unarmed strike. Uh so uh does it an 18 hit? Yes, that does hit. Okay. Uh so that's going to be uh 1d6 plus 2. So it's gonna be what is that eight? Uh it's gonna be 8 damage. Oh, okay, okay. Uh and then uh I'm going to use uh a Kai point uh and do uh flurry of blows. So that's gonna be two more um attacks. So uh that's gonna hit, because that's even more nice one. Yeah, they're both gonna hit. Ooh, okay.

So uh that's going to be uh for flurry of blows, it's the same thing for each one. Yeah. So I'll just roll two of these plus four. Kung Lu's like, uh, uh, uh. Okay, so that's going to be uh another six damage. Ooh, okay, okay. Um, and that'll be my turn. So yeah, so I just come up like and maybe I'll say uh um uh oh I'm trying to think of a cheesy like uh everything must go, like referring to your DVDs or something, uh including you, Kung Lo. I like spit out some blood and like you son of a [expletive]. I'm the only one allowed to make cool puns around here. Cool is my game.

Damn it! With that, I'm just gonna swing and try to punch you. Okay. Uh that's gonna be a eight plus five, which is a 13, I believe. Ooh, okay. Yep, 13.

And it's a miss. Oh, sorry, it's a 15, yeah. Oh, shuckles. Okay, and then I'm gonna try to hit one more time.

Okay.

And that's going to be a seven on the dice. So that's gonna be a a no there. Uh yeah, so uh yeah, so you missed both times, and subzero's just laughing like ha ha ha ha. This reminds me of the time Goro got uh cold feet. Get it, cold feet. I suck Sub Zero. Um do the same thing. So I'm going to uh do the exact I'm gonna do uh uh I'm gonna roll it a hit with an arm straight. Uh 23. Does that hit? That totally hits Kung Lu. Great. Uh I'm gonna roll this one. That's a total that's a six on the die, plus two. That's gonna be eight damage. Okay. And then I'm going to go ahead and do another Kai point, another key points, rather, uh, and then two more.

So I'll roll both of them. Yes, because at this point I know your score. Yes. So both hit again. Um roll again. Eight total damage. Okay, total. Okay, okay. Um so you took eight from the first hit and then three and then five um from the second and third. Okay. Should be sixteen total. Yep. Um so are you sure you don't want to cut uncle? Never. No one can make me bleed my own blood and get away with it.

And I'm tired of your corny jokes. So take this move right here.

It's a flying axe kick. Just waiting to see if it actually hits.

That's a two.

So do you just like fly past me? Yeah, so with an axe kick, like I bring up the foot kind of like by my head, which probably doesn't go that high because my gut gets in the way. And then I try to bring it down on you, but probably I just hurt my heel a little bit there. And then uh, alright. [expletive] this. And I'm gonna try to like just punch you now.

That's gonna be a twenty to hit. Okay, okay. And then it's only 15, so so then we do like uh specialty on our damage, so full damage, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, so that, that, and plus. So I believe that's going to be 14 total damage.

What?

Wait, okay.

Yeah, I think so.

That's what I'm gonna put down. Um, it's not looking good for me. You've gotten me down to basically almost 20 damage. Uh for our viewers, I didn't have or listeners, I didn't have a lot of health to begin with. So it's it's getting pretty pretty low here. Um, so uh is that your turn? That will be the end of my turn. Wait, no. I'm gonna use a key point and try to attack again with my my flurry of blows and whatnot. So that's gonna be an 11 on the die. So I believe that hits. So I'll do damage on that one. Oh, that's not good. That's gonna be four points of damage. And then oh, with that, like I heard that through your mask, and I'm already pissed that you're wearing a mask.

I'm like, what's going on with this guy? Is he sick? Am I fighting a sick guy? This is disgusting. I'm gonna reach back and with all my might concentrate on the pamphlet that I was reading before. The iron death fist punch, and I swing it at you, and that's a that's a four on the die there. So that's gonna miss you. And that'd be the end of my turn. Right. Uh so there's another quick. Okay. So uh Hino Kung Lu, giving in to your anger, it's a slippery slip. Speaking of which, I'm going to cast Sleetstorm underneath you. Uh so kind of, it's actually like just, I'm imagining it just like in the actual Game World Combat where he like casts like an ice sheet underneath you. Oh, yeah, like and I'm like, whoa!

So uh I'm pretty sure what that does, right? Actually, I don't totally remember. Basically, right, it it you have half your movement, or you have to roll uh what is it? Um I think I think you just like have slowed movement or something on the next. Yeah, there's there's no like great effect, it just it halves your movement. Um like if you were to try to move, you couldn't go as far. Okay, or if I try to move or something, I have to do a deck save or something and fall down. And then I'm gonna use a sorcery point to use a quicken spell to cast another spell. And that one is gonna be uh I'm gonna use the cantrip frostbite.

So uh that one is just uh you have to make a con save actually for a frostbite. Oh, for frostbite? Yeah, 16 con save.

That's going to be 18.

Uh that uh passes. Okay, okay. Um so I do no damage with frostbite. Okay. Shucks. I really thought Kong Lu was gonna get it there. I really thought so too. I really thought so too. Alright, listen. We had an ending formed, and I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna, because that was very against how this was supposed to go. Right. So give me one more roll. I mean, give me a chance. Okay, an advantage. An advantage. At advantage. Yeah, okay. Or a disadvantage, I guess. Since I'm the one rolling. So that's gonna be a uh five. Ah, we're talking. Okay. So I really wanted it to go the certain way. So because I know you're almost dead.

So uh I cast so um with my last move I classed Sleet Storm, so you got this like underneath you, it like uh storm happened and then just like an ice sheet underneath you, and then you failed frostbite, so um the damage is almost irrelevant because you're almost dead. Right. Um, but what I wanted to do is frostbite will now give you uh disadvantage on your next attack. So now you're like actually like kind of like thrown off by the ice underneath you. Um so frostbite for damage. Now you actually let me do it. Um that is going to be I think 2d6 at the level I'm at. Uh so I'm gonna say 10 damage. Okay, okay. I think that's right. I need to write the damage down on all my spells better, but yep.

Uh and then now it is your turn. Okay, that puts me down like really low. Okay, so what I'm gonna do. Haley, see you're kind of away. Oh, I remember what Sleet Storm does. I think you start prone, that's all. Okay, okay, okay. So I'm gonna try to stand up then. No, I have to stand up. I use it. So stand up would be half your movement. Yeah. So now I'm too far away. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna throw a dagger at you. Okay. Because uh it says in the pamphlet a good kung fu guy always keeps two daggers in his back pocket. So this will be a disadvantage because you let me let you fail. Okay. Uh my frostbite attack. Okay. Well, that's gonna be a disadvantage.

Okay, that's gonna be a five for that one. Nope. And then I'm gonna try one more time. Okay. That's gonna be uh a natural one on that fail there. Okay, so I couldn't have planned that any better myself. How do you want to do it? Because I'm trying to throw a dagger. I'm standing in ice everywhere. I'm already wanting to fall. Okay. Um, so how do you what do you do with the dagger that like makes you? Okay, so I'm gonna say Kung Lu is actually reaching into like a fanny pack that he keeps flipped around on his backside because he can't get to it because his gut's in the way, so he keeps it on the back, you know. Yeah, it's just layover.

He wouldn't be able to gain access to what's in the fanny pack. Perfect. So on the first one, he reaches in, grabs a dagger, just throws it, it goes wide. But then on this one, he's like fighting it a little bit and his feet are kind of slipping. And he's like, I got it. And he like pulls out and like cuts a buckle on his fanny pack and it falls down. It's super embarrassing, but then he slips and just falls uh gut first onto the dagger. And then now he's laying on the ground looking at you with And you're not even like trying to get up, like you're just kinda like laying there, right?

Like with his sad eyes with his like his own dagger in his gut, and he's like And then everybody around is gonna be chanting like fatality, fatality or What's that what's that mean? I'm bleeding out here It means well in under normal circumstances it means I have won the match and will now conduct a move that will end your life in a very gruesome, gory way. But I have done some pondering this match Kung Lu. You've left an impression on me.

A good one?

No, God no. Your pathetic life and existence is so sad that the biggest ultimate punishment I could deliver as a move would be to let you live out your horrid, lame life selling DVDs of your [expletive] store in Oregon.

In the rec center. In the rec center. I'm still bleeding and the kids need me. There's at least Okay, there's no kids. Nobody comes to my class at the Rec Center.

Please, I have kids. Also, I just want you to know that uh you didn't burn DVDs, you only burned audio CDs. Damn it. I'm not good with electronics. And then we're gonna say that like the emperor appears and like just kind of like scowls at you, and like I declare the winner sub-zero.

Buy my DVDs!

Stop crying! This is Mortal Kombat.

I'm sorry, I get emotional after I eat a bunch of meat.

And uh, we'll call it there. Um, I thought the it's what I expected to happen. Per usual, I ask one thing of you, and that was just to let me finish with the sleet storm into the freaking frostbite, and then you pass the frostbite. That's the only thing I wanted you to maybe give me. I really wanted it to happen too. That's why we went with the whole disadvantage thing. I mean, come on, Kung Lao wouldn't have won this. Like, what would you see? Come on, what would that be like real life? I would have showed up with the meat sweats, all fatigued.

As soon as I saw this guy shooting ice out of his hands, I would have been like, what the [expletive] did I get myself into?

He looks at you and thinks you're already dead just based on your like your your poor, like your sweat and your like poor physical appearance. He actually thinks you're already dead, so that's why he doesn't like steal your life or anything. Like, excellent job, Sub Zero.

I knew you would he's like, What was this?

Like a next time at least let them next time at least let them let leave them a little less just disgusting. Good god.

He's like oh man. That's good.

You know, it is always true that the Emperor's like still going on, and he's like, you know, it always blows my mind how they piss themselves when they die. Look at that.

Look at that puff. Nobody's like healed me yet. I'm just like laying there, like rolling around in pain with my own dagger. I'm too scared to pull it out myself. I'm like, oh buy two, get one free. Tell your friends.

Sounds just like me trying to give people listen to that one. Tell your friends. Tell your friends. Just a dollar. Uh all right. So that about wraps it for our DD deathmatch. We hadn't done those in a while, and I remember why. Um, but I'm I'm glad we had it. A little bit of DD, a little bit of imagination. It's good to bring it back. Fans, it is hard to remember all of your skills and try to do it quickly while on camera. So just be gentle. Right. Be gentle. Don't be so hard. I don't watch you play DD because you're not as funny as me and me. But if you want to watch us play DD and not just listen to us, go ahead and join the patron. Patreon. I always get it wrong.

I call patrons Patreons and I call Patreon Patreon. It's like I can't get it right. It's I'm like the Kung Lu. Anyway, if you want to watch us do this match and just see how bad we are and actually rapidly, battle is like I think the hardest, most tedious thing in DD. There's a reason we mostly do roleplay. Right. Is because that's the actual fun part. Because when we were still at the mall, anytime we got into a battle, me and they would look at each other and be like, oh, are you serious? We really have to fight this guy. Like, you saw how sloppy that was with two of us, and that was us trying to go quickly. Right.

Now imagine like seven, and nobody is even knows what they want to do on their turns. Half the people are at the bathroom out buying chips, yeah. Don't even realize that they're playing a ranger. It's terrible situation. It's [expletive], it's total [expletive]. But uh going back to the Patreon Patreon, um, John, if you're listening, [expletive] sign up for the Patreon, dude. What's taking you so long? It's just a dollar, man. You talk to me about the show every day, and you still haven't signed up. It's just a dollar. I'm calling you out on it. Sign up. You know, right? Uh agreed, uh, John. Get with it. And then I'm gonna double down. Nick. Nick Beatrice, yeah. I'm talking to you. Yeah. Where you know, you message me, you say you like the show. Prove it.

Prove it. Haven't seen any proof yet except for a couple kind words. You know who I give a couple kind words to? Homeless people out on the street. And you know what? I still give them a dollar, believe it or not, and you're not even giving us a dollar, just a dollar. Yeah. Let us be your homeless people. Yes. I mean, we have homes, but we could use the money. It's only 99 plus one cent, okay? Come on, get with it. That's the best math we did this whole session. Yes. That's the only math I know because it's just a dollar. Just a dollar. Thank you.

Um, yeah, but thanks for listening, everybody.

We appreciate it here at Nat One Presents. And we'll see you next week. Bye.