PTSD&D | Keeping Up With The Kool-Aid Man
Edited audio transcript

Edited from an automatic transcription of the original recording. Strong language is masked; selected personal asides and adult material are marked [Editorial omission.]. Transcription errors may remain, especially in names and lyrics. Timestamps come from the source; paragraphs split for readability can share a timestamp. The original recording contains adult language and themes. Announcements and offers reflect the recording date.
Source: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2187585/episodes/9468702-ptsd-d-keeping-up-with-the-kool-aid-man.mp3

[0:00] You're about to listen to the first experimental season of our show, formerly called Nat One Presents the Podcast. For better audio quality and our current ongoing DD campaign, skip ahead to season two featuring the Daft Monks. On this episode of Nat One Presents. Oh yeah!

[0:20] Oh yeah!

[0:21] And I'm like, Kool-Aid man, you gotta cut this [expletive] out, man. Who's gonna pay for this?

[0:26] I don't know.

[0:29] Adventure. Heartwarming stories, role-playing that could only be seen by the gods. Here at Nat One Presents, you get all that and more. Now join us as we start another epic tale of con.

[0:46] Just kidding. This is Nat One Presents, a tabletop role-playing game podcast that takes your favorite nerdy games and pop culture icons and ruins them with improv.

[0:57] Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents, the podcast. Today we're going to be doing a little segment we like to call PTSD. And in this, we are going to be playing a doctor, but the characters that come in and have these problems that we're going to be talking about aren't your run-in-the-mill heroes. They're the common everyday man.

[1:20] That's right. These people don't get enough love and are often left in the aftermath of some grand hero just kind of living their life without kind of thinking about everybody else in that universe.

[1:30] I've always thought about this stuff, Nate. Like, what about the other guys? You know, like we see what the heroes do, but what about the aftermath? You know? I'm excited to find out. Okay, so the first things first is um Nate will play the doctor right now, and then I will play the random character, and we do have a list of characters that will be drawn at random, and then we kind of go through the motions and play it out. Uh we will both know what is on the card and we will explain to you at home who this person is, just in case that doesn't come across. And then I think we'll go from there.

[2:01] Yep, absolutely. Uh as always, these are uh we come up with a premise and an idea, but we don't script anything out. So everything once we start uh the activity uh is all just us riffing.

[2:12] Perfect. And if you like what you hear on this podcast, please go and check out our Patreon and pay the dollar, and then you can see our beautiful faces. At least a dollar. Like it's just a dollar, like it's just a dollar. Get on there. Get on there. Okay, so first things first, I will be playing the other kid at Hogwarts. Not in the story whatsoever, just a background kid at Hogwarts dealing with all of the Harry Potter shenanigans.

[2:38] I love it, I love it. Is he did he just like enter the same time as Harry before we get started, or do you think like, did he transfer from one of those other two schools, or there's more schools?

[2:47] There's more schools, but I think uh he was let's say he was his first year was the year before Harry got there. Okay, yeah. So he's like, man, Hogwarts is great, like I love it. And then Harry gets there, and then all of a sudden the [expletive] hits the fan. I take it, I dig it.

[3:01] All right, here we go. All right. Enter.

[3:06] Um, hi, uh, I have an appointment uh for right now. Is that correct? Oh, yeah, yes, yes, welcome. Um, what brings you to the office today? Have a seat, please. Oh, lay down. Thank you. Um he lays down. Um I guess this is my my my first time here. Um I'm just the counselor at school actually said I need to get a lot of things off my chest, and I just have a lot that's bugging me.

[3:31] Yeah, you look quite young. Um I'm you know, at first I'd just like to say it's okay to ask for help. And I'm really glad it, you know, it seems like you you have some previous experience with uh a counselor at another location, um, like at your school. Can you tell me more about that counselor and where you go to school?

[3:46] Well, it's actually the school itself that's causing me a lot of problems. I'm thinking about withdrawing lately. Oh, wow. My first year was awesome, it was amazing. I loved it. Everything was full of magic and wonder, just like any other school, you know.

[3:58] Oh, figuratively like magic and wonder. So it's just like a really unique experience. Yes, sure.

[4:06] And it's just started my second year. This new kid arrived, and every year after that, it's just been going down and down and down, and everything gets worse. Wow, a lot to unbox here.

[4:19] Let's start with what what made the first year so magical? Uh let's try to identify the the points of happiness in your life.

[4:26] Okay, well, everything was just new, you know, and I felt like I belonged somewhere. And I think the biggest thing was I felt safe there. Like there's a lot of crazy stuff going on in this world, and I felt safe at my school. And that safety has just gone out the window as of late.

[4:42] I I understand that. Being safe is is a really important component for you to be able to take the next step and leap out of your comfort zone. It sounds like this year is in new things that are gonna happen, you're gonna meet new people, and you're gonna have to step out of your comfort zone. Um, so I'm glad you felt safe, but you know, maybe there's a logical progression, and there are times where you don't want to be complacent anymore. Um, what what changed between your first and second year, aside from just, you know, becoming a sophomore or your second year student?

[5:09] Um, realistically, a murderous madman came into the school grounds and threw everything out of whack. He tried stealing an item that grants immortality.

[5:21] Yeah, yeah, that'll happen sometimes. Uh everybody wants to stay young forever, you know. Like, I'm already losing my hair. I started losing my hair in my early 20s, you know. So we all dream this idea of like staying forever youthful. And so, you know, throwing around words like murderous and madman can be really harmful. Um, he's definitely those things.

[5:42] But I don't even really blame him because he's been like that for years. I blame this other kid that just showed up my second year. He shows up and he's like a celebrity, and everybody loves him, they want to meet him and shake his hand, but actually, he's a terrible human being because all this stuff happens because of him.

[5:59] That seems a bit harsh. Um, a lot of times, you know, in school, like, you know, some people become popular, some people don't. Um, some people are athletic, some people are, you know, just the loser drama nerds. It's we all have different roles to play, and and that role can change over time. So what I'm hearing is maybe a little bit of jealousy towards this other role. Can you can you tell me this this new student who you think uh is just you know being an [expletive]?

[6:23] I don't even want to say his name, it just upsets me so much. But you brought up athletic, and that is another thing that pissed me off because I was gonna try out for the school sports team. Like every class has its own team, and this was my year. Second years are allowed to go out for the team, and I was gonna go try it out. Like, I'm really good at like finding small objects, you know. So, like, this was the job that I wanted, and they didn't even have tryouts that year. Like, this kid was in like the basic flying class, and he all of a sudden, like, our headmistress puts him on the team. There wasn't even a tryout. Like, I was training all summer to get on this team.

[6:58] I'm sorry. Um I'm just so worked up about it. The thing is, there's there's no replacement for true talent, you know, and when you when you spot that, you have to foster it, okay? Now, that person probably didn't ask to be put on the team. Um, you know, he just he naturally deserved it.

[7:14] No, he's not even that good. The very first match we had, he didn't even catch the little ball with his hand. He caught it in his mouth.

[7:22] Well, that's you know, uh that's sometimes you just gotta think outside the box and use all the tools available to you. I use my mouth all the time.

[7:30] I just I just don't think I can I can go to school anymore. Like, I I feel like it's getting worse. Like the year after that, that somebody opened up a a chamber of some sort and then was killing all kinds of kids and everything, and everyone was petrified. The poor cat was petrified.

[7:46] I I don't know. Listen, we possess many chambers within ourselves. Um sometimes you have to unlock those those doors, and and many like many dark forms can can come in you know, eject from that place, you know, in the form of serpents. And yeah, like you might feel like someone is made of stone because they they lack emotion, but that doesn't mean that they don't have the same feelings or or chambers within themselves.

[8:15] You know, I think you're right. I think this is this has been a good talk. I think this next year is really gonna turn around for us, you know. Like nobody's died yet at school, you know. Like last year, Sirius Black came around and we thought for sure someone was gonna get it. But I think this next year, like things are gonna be good. Like I'm gonna look forward to it, and thank you for having this talk. Like, I guarantee nobody's gonna get hurt next year. Absolutely.

[8:42] If you see my other patient, uh Cedric, tell him I said hello. Oh, you got it. Come in.

[8:52] Yes, hey. Um, I had uh an appointment here. Uh we need to be quick about it because my boss is pretty demanding and he's gonna want me back right away.

[9:00] Absolutely. Uh I do charge an entire hour, so regardless of how much time we eat.

[9:05] Well, I don't really don't think this is gonna take long. I just have to get this off my chest and then I gotta get back to work because I why don't you take a seat and let's not worry about the time.

[9:13] Let's just let's just uh unravel, you know, what's what's bothering you. Okay. And then I go and sit down. Uh would you like uh we have some some treats, some candy um on a bowl if you'd like? Oh no, thank you.

[9:24] I uh I can't even bother to look at candy right now. Like it just stresses me out. I'm I'm sure you have this on my file, but I work for um the man himself, the candy man, um Willy Wonka. Oh, I love him. I get that all the time. He's actually a a bore to be working with. Um I'm actually his lawyer. And that must be interesting. No, it's not interesting. It's a nightmare, it's a freak show, and I have to deal with it all the time. And you wouldn't believe the amount of paperwork that I have to go through just so his business can stay afloat.

[9:24] Like he gets to go and go on chocolate rivers and take little kids through rides and everything, but you know who's in the background behind a desk with one little lamp and 16 Oompa Loompas coming in and constantly handing me more paperwork? You know how hard it is to make a contract that is binding legally for little kids to sign? You know what I had how many hoops I had to go through to get that? I'm sorry, I'm I'm getting mad at you again. I'm uh I'm sorry.

[10:24] I want you to count down from three and then say three things you like about your job. So three, two, one.

[10:32] Uh, candy. Uh pushing down on Balumbas.

[10:37] Okay.

[10:38] And God, I secretly love Willie, you know? It's you know, it's complicated. You can both I mean there's different layers. He's one, you can be friends with your boss. There there are lines you have to you have to keep, but you can also be friends. And then two, you can have good days with people you care about, and you can have bad days. It sounds like sometimes, I mean, really what could be bad about Willy Wonka, but even probably the best man with the the one most wonderful dreams and and standards probably can be a little irritable to work with sometimes, or maybe a little uh just hard to deal with.

[11:14] Right, that's you bring up a good point. But Willie himself, he's he's a different animal. Like when we first got the the chocolate river installed, he took me on a ride down there, and once we went through the tunnel, like things got really dark and weird. And he wasn't the Willy Wonka that I knew at that point, but as soon as we exited the tunnel, he was fine again.

[11:34] Yeah, you know, there are many facets to people, and you know, sometimes people show different sides of themselves, especially in dark tunnels on chocolate-filled rivers. Um, because that's happened to you? Uh yeah. Anyway, we're we're talking about you here. Okay. Um, listen, I just I know this isn't professional, but could you tell me how were you guys able to build an elevator that launched into the sky?

[11:57] Honestly, I don't know how a lot of these things work because he has an idea one day and the next day he built the thing. Like, I don't even know how he goes about it. I don't I honestly don't know. I don't know if he's sacrificing Oompa Loompas to some kind of demigod, and then all of a sudden his creation gets made. Like, how are you gonna make a glass elevator that can fly through the sky? I have no idea how this works. The only thing that keeps me coming into work is he said in a meeting he's thinking about retiring and he's gonna give away his company. And then I thought, you know what? I've been working there the longest. I think I got a shot at this.

[11:57] You know, I know him better than anybody. And I'm actually running this company as his lawyer. Like financially, I go through all the bookwork and I make sure that we can stay afloat. So why not give the company to me?

[12:46] And that's the only thing keeping me coming into work every day. That's amazing. You know, my grand my nephew, he just the other day opened a Canyon bar and got a golden ticket for some kind of promotion walk is running. I'm I'm so excited that maybe he'll run into you on the tour.

[13:00] Well, yeah, I've I actually did all the legality issues on that, and uh he told me it was just for a tour. Like, we're gonna give out these tickets, and you get a ticket, you get to go on a tour. And I was like, that sounds like a great idea. You know, some good PR for the business. I don't see what could really go wrong with it.

[13:16] No, not at all. Uh listen, I've heard rumors that um some of your coworkers, you know, even from other employees there, uh, because you know, I am allowed to just talk about other patients and and their problems. Um I heard that the there might be a toxic culture, especially around the umpalompas.

[13:33] Um really they're less than human beings, you know, like they're only two feet tall and they go around singing songs all the time, and that's because they are on a lot of drugs. When I first got hired on, I wanted to implement like a drug policy where there was testing, but every single umpalompa failed. And it's the only workers that we can acquire because this is top secret. They work for free, like we don't pay them anything. We actually stole them from a small country in South America. I've always wondered where hell of a tan. Great tan, like and beautiful singing voices too. But realistically, they are just slave labor, and I can see why they have the drug problems that they do.

[13:33] And like one day, like an umpa loompa got stuck in the chocolate river thing and got sucked up through the tube, and nobody even helped them. All they did was stand there and sing a song, and it was terrifying to watch. I turned around and went right back into my office. Like, I don't want to be out on that floor right now.

[14:36] I've always wondered, do they just know how to play that little flute, or do you teach them? Is that part of orientation?

[14:42] That is actually a part of a um diabolical plan from Mr. Wonka himself. It involves a lot of um manipulation and like uh forced beatings of the umpalumpas. So he could actually have a whip that nobody sees made of flickerish. It's it's pretty nice. And he will whip these little oompaloompas and then afterwards plays them a little song and gives them a cookie, and all of a sudden they're like, ooh yeah.

[15:06] But that's how that's how the umpalumpas work. I'm really fascinated by by Willie. I I feel like there are there are many many assets or many many variations to his his his being and his personality. Um, can you describe like like how how is he as a friend? How is he as a boss?

[15:22] What he's terrifying to work for because he's hot and then he's cold, and one day he's coming in and he's like, Oh, hey, everybody, we're gonna make everlasting gobstobbers. And then one of the umpaloompas was like, What the [expletive]'s an everlasting gobstopper? And then out came the licorice whip, and he said, Don't worry about it, get in there and make it. And I don't I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there in fear as Willie is just bearing down on this poor Umpalompa, and honestly, that was a they all look the same kind of, but that was the last time I saw that umpalompa. He played his little flute, and then like, what do you get when you backtalk the boss?

[15:22] And then like, I don't like the look of it, and then he was gone. You know, I I'm terrified. There, thank God. Thank God that they don't ever go to HR because I would have to do even more paperwork. I mean, with the amount of money the Wonkas are sitting on, I'm sure they could afford to pay really any lawsuit that that comes their way. You would think so, but actually he burns through cash like no one's business. You know how much money it costs to filter a chocolate river to where it's still edible? Like, and I'm pretty sure one day, like the Umpa Loopas got into some bad candy mushrooms or something, and they were unloading themselves, if that makes sense, right into the chocolate river.

[15:22] And that was the biggest mess I've ever had to deal with. You know what it's like to hire a hazmat crew and then they have to sign NDAs to come across and then clean up a chocolate river? Like, oh my god, man, like I didn't sleep for three days after that.

[17:00] All right. We've talked a lot about everybody else, but I want to focus on you and and your problems. So I have some assuming plots here, and I just want to see where your psyche's at, okay? So I'm gonna hold it up and just don't think about it. The first thing that comes to mind I want I want you to say. Okay. Okay, uh, here you go. Willy Wonka's hair. Wow.

[17:19] Nice okay, licorice whip. Boompa loopah in a bathtub fill of blood.

[17:28] Yeah, you know, uh I gotta be honest, uh, I got nothing. Like, you seem a lot better off than most of my other clients.

[17:37–18:45] [Editorial omission.]

[18:45] So opportunity comes to those who are are open to it. So if you keep those doors open, I am sure nothing but good things will come.

[18:53] God, I hope so. Because if this backfires on me, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Like, you know, like at one point he made me go and take night classes for acting and said I need to be like some guy named Bigglesworth or Smugsworth or something like that, and I'm gonna go talk to kids on the street. Like, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that, but I'm gonna put all that behind and like like I'm gonna run this company someday, you know. Like, if not, I don't know what I would do. I'll probably end up with the umpa loompas, you know, in the [expletive] bathtub. Just focus on the positive. You're right. Manifest that [expletive]. You're right, Doctor. Thank you. This is this has been great and I appreciate it.

[18:53] See you next week. Yeah, that sounds good. Come in. Um hi. Uh yes, I had an appointment. Yes, uh, Owen. Uh good to see you again. Oh, thank you for having me here. I had to hop on a a flight to get over here, and it's gonna take me a while. I gotta get back home soon. You know? Oh yeah, it's uh hunting wombrats still. Yeah, you know. Luke can bull out bullseye him, no problem, you know, but he's actually part of the reason I'm here. Oh, so please have a seat, lay down, and and tell me what what's on your mind. Oh, thank you, thank you.

[18:53] It's just I've done so much for this kid, you know, like he showed up, some wizard guy brought him to me that I've met like one time before, maybe, and he just drops this baby off on my doorstep and and I take him in, you know, and treat him like one of my own and have him here on my moisture farm. Because I don't know if you've ever been to Tatooine Doctor, but there's not a lot of water, and without me, people would die.

[20:32] Yeah, no, your your farm is uh a huge crutch or or a huge staple on Tatooine, and we really need we need your services, so that's why I mean that's I do your all of your your sessions at at half price because I need that moisture. Oh, thank you, thank you.

[20:47] And I I appreciate that, Doc. Now it's just I just don't know what to do with the kid, you know. I'm so scared of him ending up like his father. I don't know if you heard, I haven't told many people, but he slaughtered a bunch of sand people last time I saw him. It was terrible.

[21:04] Uh, you know, a fun fact, I was also just reading the Coruscant Times, and uh I think he also was behind the mass uh student slaughtering at the Jedi Academy. No. Yeah, um he seems real out of control. I would fear that child. Oh my god. I'd start beating him now and and making sure um subservience is is a staple in your relationship. Oh now, yeah, I need to get on top of this.

[21:27] It's just he's such a whiner already. He's always like, hold on, I've been I've been working on his voice.

[21:33] But Uncle Owen, I wanted to go in town and get the moisture evaporators.

[21:37] Yeah, he sounds like a real [expletive]. I mean, I'm supposed to be really, you know, um objective here, but honestly, I I hate him already. Oh yeah, I got plenty more where that comes from.

[21:47] I want to go into the Starfleet, just like dad did. You never let me do anything, Uncle Owen. I'm stuck here with all this sand in my boots dealing with these droids.

[22:00] Fleet if you're just like a moisture farmer on Tatooine, like have dreams, but like within reason. Honestly, I have no idea, but the kids are natural at anything.

[22:08] Like a droid showed up the other day and he like started talking to it and everything, and we got a great deal on him from the Jawas, you know, and then like I felt like Luke was turning around, you know, like maybe he really cares about this moisture farm.

[22:23] Yeah, you know, I just I I feel like children and and and especially teenagers, they can one day they care and one day they don't, you know, and so maybe maybe he is looking up. Um Right.

[22:36] It's just he's just so ungrateful to me after everything I've done. You know how much money I spend on sunblock for this kid? There are two sons there, Doctor, and it seems like they never go down at the same time. Like it's just daylight all the time, and I worry about his fragile white skin. And I spend so much of my moisture farm money. There's not a lot of money in moisture farming. I'm just getting water from the air. I don't I don't know why I'm so upset about this. I should just be grateful that he's he's alive and doing well, and really I don't I don't see anything bad ever happening to us. We're so far away from the whole battle and everything, and I think we're we're gonna be okay, you know?

[23:19] Absolutely. Um let's I mean I really wish Luke was here because I feel like together would be uh you know a more effective session. But let's let's try some some um practice parenting, you know. Okay, like I don't want to put this all on Luke as kind of young and useless as he he seems to be. Yes, very um let's just let's you know like role play some situations here. So um Luke comes in, he didn't do his chores, and now you have to work super late so he can pretend to be auditioning for the Starfleet. Okay. Um what do you say? What do you do?

[23:51] Luke, you're grounded and you're never going to go to the Starfleet. You're never gonna leave this farm. And god damn it, Luke, how many gallons of blue milk are you gonna drink every day?

[24:03] It's six gallons of blue milk you drink. Oh my god, uh, you're right, Doctor. I completely unloaded on him there.

[24:08] Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, blue milk is really expensive, so honestly, that would irk me as well. But listen, he's just a kid, alright? He's just a kid. A grown boy who needs food, you know, just because he's good at literally everything he does. Right. Aside from, you know, not knowing people, but right.

[24:25] And then I don't I've never told him this, but when he sleeps at night, things float all around him. And I don't know if it has something to do with those magical powers his dad has, or stupid old Ben that lives up in the mountains, always coming down, wanting to talk to him, and I'm like, get out of here, Ben, you know, like this is my kid now. Like, he's not gonna follow your loony religion.

[24:45] Whoa, whoa, hold on. So some old man who lives in the mountains um comes and visits you and your family? Well, he he stops by from time to time, but always when Luke's not around.

[24:56] Okay. Why why does he why do you think that happens? Well, he's actually the one who brought Luke to me. And honestly, I have no idea. He's always like, Luke could be in grave peril. I need to keep a watch on him, and I'm like, what's gonna happen to him? Sand person gonna get him, you know?

[25:12] Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of actually like huge sand beasts that literally like crawl through the sand. Um, you know, so I I mean that's actually a pretty reasonable fear. But um, listen, let's uh again, like let's let's let's talk about have you put Luke in any after school programs, any extracurriculars, something that like where he can channel his creative energy in a positive way.

[25:34] Oh, absolutely not. I don't want him to leave the farm. I'm too afraid he's gonna end up like, you know, his father. Like, what if he comes across a bunch of school children walking down the street apparently? And he just slaughters them. I guess that would not be good.

[25:48] But it seems like your fear of the father is manifesting into rage of the son. Um why don't, you know, like why don't you say oh let's start at the source. Say two good things about the father.

[26:04] Um he was supposed to be the chosen one. Right? Right. Okay. And um you know, you could never tell him something he couldn't do. Like, I remember Ben when he first dropped Luke off, was like, hey, you don't have the high ground, but then Luke's dad was all like, that doesn't matter, you know? But you could never tell him no.

[26:32] Yeah, okay, great, great. So now let's channel that same energy. Let's instead of drawing the negativity and put it on Luke, let's do the same thing. Let's draw that positivity and let's say three good things that you like about Luke.

[26:43] Okay, okay, okay. You have great hair.

[26:46] Um you got baby blue eyes. Wow. Um, maybe less physical and more maybe about his traits or his achievements. It's gonna be a lot harder for me, Doc.

[26:57] He's such a whiny [expletive]. Um, you know what? Let's just say um he I like how he has a way of talking down to people he just meets.

[27:10] That'll do, that'll do. That's great. That's great. Well, listen, um, I I did notice last week at the student assembly when they did the spelling bee that you weren't there. Uh, you know, Luke did pretty well.

[27:22] Um I just don't I can't get behind anything that's not the farm, you know? Yeah, the moisture. I I get it. Yeah, I get it.

[27:29] So it's a I don't know how many times I have to tell you this. It's a big deal on tattooing. Okay, well, next week there is another school activity, and I think you should be a part of it. You know what I'm talking about, right?

[27:40] Yes, and you know what? I'm gonna clear my calendar and I am going to go to oh hold on, hold on. I got a message. It's from Luke. Apparently a couple of the droids wandered off and he's out looking for them right now. Well, you know what? I'm gonna schedule my calendar and I'm gonna go to his school event. I'm gonna make a stand right here and be a better parent to Luke.

[28:00] Awesome. Go home, get get your wife, and get ready to embrace a new lifestyle where he's a part of your family and not just a ward that you know is under your your your your watch.

[28:10] I'm gonna do that. I am gonna do that.

[28:12] Thank you, Doc. Nice. It's gonna be it's gonna be a good day with with with two sons and one happy family. God bless you. May the force be with you.

[28:20] May the force be with you.

[28:24] Come in.

[28:25] Um, yes, uh, my name is Bevel and I had an appointment.

[28:28] Yeah, please have a seat. Um what's what's what's bothering you today?

[28:32] So uh thank you. Um I just have a a very high stress job and I've been going through a lot lately, and my bosses are I how can I say this? They're hard to work with.

[28:46] Sure, sure. Well, you know, it's it's hard living up to standards that that are difficult to meet. Um, oh you're telling me.

[28:53] You're telling me.

[28:54] Tell me more. What what are these standards and who who are your bosses? Let's break it down a little bit.

[28:58] Okay, um, well, I work with a certain organization and I build spaceships, and I love building spaceships. Like it relaxes me and calms me down. And they came to me and asked for something they call a Death Star. Ooh, I wonder. Tell me more, what does it do? It's ginormous, it's the size of a moon.

[29:21] Wow.

[29:21] And the the weapon system I put in it can actually destroy planets. That's no moon, that's a weapon. Yes. And it's just a it's a lot of stress because I don't know if you've heard the first one had a mishap.

[29:38] Oh, yes, I did. I that there was, I mean, that there was an amazing light show in the sky. Little did we know that was an entire 17-year engineering project just literally imploding. Just gone away. And then who did they blame? They blamed me. That was you. That was your project.

[29:54] Yes. Wow. And it's so hard to design a weapon that can blow up a planet and still be able to fly through the galaxy. Like it needed an exhaust port, okay? It needed one, and it was no bigger than a [expletive] womp rat. And somehow they launched some kind of missile thing straight down the middle of it, and it blew up my prized possession.

[30:17] Sure, sure. I mean, I have a lot of questions, such as why can you shoot something straight down the middle of your phone?

[30:22] Well, that's the craziest thing. You shouldn't be able to shoot it straight down. It's almost like his missile had some kind of arc and it's just slingshotted with the gravity of the ship itself, and then somehow, by some magical means, went right through the core. And I sorry, it's been keeping me up at night, mostly because I understand.

[30:40] Like watching one of your biggest career projects blow up in your face literally must must have been really traumatic for you.

[30:47] It it was really, and honestly, that upset me. But then, like, we had a meeting about it, like always, and then one of my bosses just stuck his hand out in the air, and I started choking and floating in the the air.

[31:00] And sometimes it's you know, when put under the spot, it like to freeze up and to you know, just to lose track of your thoughts. Like that that happened, you know. Or or are you talking about literal choking?

[31:11] I thought he was literally choking me. It felt like someone's hand was on my throat, but I was No, that was probably a panic attack.

[31:17] You're gonna have a lot of stress. You're right, you know, like I really doubt that some kind of wizard was like choking you through the air.

[31:24] Yeah, these these things don't happen, right? No, no, absolutely. It could have just been stress.

[31:29] Yeah.

[31:30] But okay, there is good news. We are building a second one.

[31:33] Oh, good. Yeah. So you definitely so you're altering the plan this time, right? Definitely doesn't have any of the same uh design flaws or just like the same general shape or anything like that. Right, right.

[31:43] It's gonna be pretty much exactly the same. Wow. Wow, okay, yes. Like what are the chances he's gonna shoot another missile down that exhaust port? You know?

[31:52] Sure. As long, I mean, look, as long as you don't have any kind of like giant exhausts big enough for you know an aircraft to fly through, you know. Right.

[32:01] As long as our shields hold up, we're gonna be great. And what are the chances of someone like turning off our shields and everything? Slim to none. But and then, fun fact, Doctor, uh, a lot of the funding actually had to get moved around for the shielding and everything. So, like, we actually didn't install any handrails anywhere. Like, where you think a handrail should go, there isn't one. So the poor workers just have to stand there basically to a bottomless pit and they have to deal with it. And usually it's right by the blast of the Death Star's main weapon.

[32:32] There's gotta be some kind of radiation, uh like like uh something that can annihilate a planet with like a beam of energy that that must not be good for the workers.

[32:42] Well, I actually had one of my um lower guys bring that up at one point, and uh, it had to have been the craziest thing where we were standing. Apparently, an electrical wire right next to the emperor himself must have broke clean in half because electricity and almost looked like lightning just started shooting from around his hand area, and it just started going to my buddy who said this to him, and he's like, unlimited power, you know, and like I I didn't know what he meant by that. I like I thought the ship had unlimited power, and then like he was like, Somebody shut off the power, you know, because apparently it's unlimited, and then now it's like shocking my guy.

[33:18] And uh limited power can be really expensive too, right? I understand, you know, like we we're not we're not made of of of you know adamantium or you know vest bar, right? Right?

[33:30] Well, that's like laser proof, you know, and we don't I don't have access to those kind of things, not yet, you know. And uh it's just really tough working for these guys. And let me tell you something. When my boss first started, he wasn't that bad looking of a guy, but over time I think the stresses were really getting to him because he is looking rough. I'm talking like a white moldy raisin rough.

[33:55] Uh yeah, stress can can manifest in really like really disgusting, gross ways, you know. Like whether, you know, you you talked about before with you choking up. Um, how are you managing your stress at at work? Where do you work again? Uh on on the Death Star. On the Death Star, right. Yeah.

[34:12] How do you do they have recreational facilities in there? Well, I wanted to bring that up, you know, to boost morale for the people, but it didn't take so well. Um, all of that money actually had to go into like this pod thing that Lord Vader can take his helmet off in because the whole area needs to be sanitized. And a good 99% of our funds for extracurricular activities went to this pod for some reason. But Lord Vader is he's a good guy, you know? Like he's the only one who knows how to destroy the second Death Star. And it would take some kind of crazy thing where like you pick up some guy who's shooting lightning from his hands and throw him down the same tube, you know?

[34:12] Like, what are the chances of that happening? Absolutely, especially after the first Death Star blowing up.

[34:56] I I think you're in the clear, my friend. Right. I don't I don't see it happening at all.

[35:00] Oh, but man, there's just the stress, you know, constant war. Like, one time a guy sneezed, and Lord Vader came out of nowhere and said, You're part of the Rebel Alliance, and like, no, he's not, man. He just sneezed, you know, and then like he choked him to death.

[35:14–35:39] [Editorial omission.]

[35:39] Ooh.

[35:40] What do you do?

[35:41] Ooh, that's a tough one. I don't know.

[35:44] I've never had to shut everything down before. Can you is there is is there like a just a power down switch?

[35:49] Um yeah, but it's really hard to get to, you know, like it's like a super thin, narrow platform. You'd have to have the agility of some kind of superhuman to get over there, and then you have to walk around, no handrails, of course, again, to this manual switch that you have to pull. And nine times out of ten, you're gonna fall and die.

[36:08] Like these things happen. I don't like to build up the ego of my clients, but I just really feel like you've thought of everything, you know.

[36:14] I really try to, you know. And the I've only got yelled at one time because Lord Vader again needed room for his paperweight, he called it. And it's it's really a gun gun frozen in carbonite. It's really weird. And every so often, like probably once a week, you can hear him unthaw the carbonite, and then you hear noises coming in from there, like, oh Annie, it's you! And then, like, you hear him like beating up this thing, you know? He's like, Annie, no! And then bam, gets frozen in carbonite again. You wouldn't believe the cost of the power bill freezing and thawing out somebody in carbonite all the time.

[36:52] You're right. I don't believe that. I think that's a manifestation of your stress and imagination. Oh my god, you think I'm making it up? Absolutely. We haven't seen a Gungan since, well, that one convinced the entire Galactic Senate to give up democracy.

[37:05] Right, and then there was the slaughter afterwards. Yeah, you know, these things happen. That's true. These things do happen. Things do happen. Like, what a terrible creature the Gungans, you know? Like, talk about a waste of everyone's time. Literally. Literally. Alright, listen.

[37:22] Alright, so um what I want you to do, I'm gonna prescribe um a couple different um first off, some mental exercises, just activities I want you to do when your boss is in front of you looking like a pale raisin. Okay. Um I want you to imagine him not wearing any pants.

[37:40] Right?

[37:42] No, he's still terrifying. Actually, I don't know if he wears pants right now. He always has like these long flowing black robes on. Like the guy only wears black, and then he forces the rest of us to only wear black. One time I bought a red shirt and was immediately choked by Lord Vader, and he took that shirt.

[37:59] There is a culture of violence at your word that I'm I'm very, very concerned about. Absolutely, but are there any kind of corporate pol I know I on this planet, I know, because we're not we're not working being in space, sometimes you you you you get to skip some of the the human resource like policies that are on the different like planets and star systems. But is there any any any like laws that protect the workers, you know, on the Death Star?

[38:25] Absolutely not. Actually, I had to lie on one of the rooms that I built. Uh, outside is a placard that says HR. But then when you walk inside, it's actually an ejector pod. So you close the door and it shoots you out into space. It's the most terrifying thing, and I had to build that. Like, there's no getting around that. Sometimes, like, I put an out-of-order sign on the front door, but people just take it down because they're like, that's it. I'm gonna go talk to HR, and then boom, they are jettisoned into space.

[38:54] That's fascinating. What other room like are there more rooms like that in the Death Star? I mean, I imagine you just have just rooms upon like floors upon floors of unique single-purpose.

[39:04] Every single room that is not for military action jettisens you into space. Like at one point, there's I think it's the 17th floor level of the Death Star, all the bathrooms just jettison you out of space. Like, you can't, you gotta hold it until you get to a better floor because it's just shooting you out there.

[39:21] How how do they maintain a staff under those kind of working conditions?

[39:25] Well, anytime uh everyone is chipped, and then there's a log, this was all my idea, by the way. It's genius. And everyone is logged, and then there's a big screen in Lord Vader's pod that tells them how many workers there currently are. And once we get below a threshold, we merely stop at some planet, get some more people, you know, kill the women and children, and then boom, we're back out in the space, and then we get to fire the Death Star again. And God bless the Empire. Yes. I hope to push the button one of these days, but they haven't let me yet.

[39:56] Wow. Well, it seems like you've really accounted for everything, you know. I mean, there's no I mean the rebels, they're I mean, they're a group of just really ridiculous ragtag, you know, individuals. Some of them have little teddy bear friends. Like, there's no possible way that you have thought through this much and that you guys can be stopped.

[40:14] Right, especially from that group. Like, what are they gonna do? You know, like nothing. I don't even know why we're really worried about it.

[40:19] No, absolutely. It it's it's kind of ridiculous. It's like bringing a sledgehammer to nail in a you know, uh just like a nail under the head to hang a picture frame. Like, what a what a you know, we have ATATs. What are we gonna do? Well, what's that? What's a little teddy bear culture? Exactly, exactly.

[40:35] Yeah.

[40:35] Well, I'm glad we had this talk, Doctor. Like, I I feel better, you know. Like, I think I'm really doing the God's work here, you know?

[40:41] Yeah, trust yourself, trust your designs, you know. Like, if you build it to be infallible, it won't it won't come, nothing can come crashing down.

[40:51] I believe that. You know, like I had scheduled a vacation coming up where I was gonna take a little time away from the Death Star, but you know, I think I'm just gonna stick it out. You know, you wanna be there for its big day. That's true.

[41:01] Maybe you're gonna get to push the button. Oh, I think so. You're right. I think so. I better get back right now. Thank you again, Doctor. You're welcome. See you again, Bevel. Come in.

[41:12] Uh yes, hey, um uh I had an appointment.

[41:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were right on time, please. Uh sorry, just my last patient went a little over, but we are we are ready to go. Have a seat and tell me what's on your mind. Awesome, thank you.

[41:25] Uh usually my name uh my job's not so stressful, but lately I got a a client you could say. Um I'm a I'm a probation officer by trade. Um not really until I got this last guy. And he is making my life a living hell, let me tell you. You you might have heard of him. He's a very popular client, you could say. It's it's Kool-Aid man.

[41:58] Oh, oh, oh yeah. Exactly.

[42:01] Yeah, I have. Exactly. And it's just a lot of stress dealing with his shenanigans left and right. Like, every time he stops by, you know, he never uses the [expletive] front door. Never. What about the back door? No, he doesn't even use the back door, he just busts in through a wall. Oh yeah, oh yeah, like I can't deal with that anymore, man.

[42:22] Like, your office must be in rough shape.

[42:24] Uh at one point we had plastic on three of the four walls, and I'm like, okay, we're on the third story of the building. There's no way he's gonna come busting in through this other wall, and all of a sudden, this guy repels off the building, comes in through the brick [expletive] wall.

[42:42] Oh yeah, oh yeah.

[42:44] Like, I can't deal with this anymore, man. So now my office is looks like it's ready to crumble on top of itself. So I moved into a temporary office. You know, this one has like steel walls. I'm like, this is gonna be safe, man. Steel walls, no way he's busting in. All of a sudden, this [expletive]'s got goggles and a blowtorch, and I see a flame shooting in through the wall, and it makes a perfect circle, this shape of like a pitcher, you know? And then I'm like, no, no, no possible way he's doing it. It's probably like a burglar or something, you know? But nope, sure as [expletive]. He kicks down the steel wall. Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I'm like, Kool-Aid man, you gotta cut this [expletive] out, man.

[42:44] Who's gonna pay for this?

[43:24] I don't know.

[43:25] Like, stop, you know? So, okay, easy fix. I asked him to weld the wall back up. He welds it back up. He promises me it's never gonna happen again. At least that's what I thought. So we move back to my old office in the brick. I'm sorry I'm just ranting here, Doc, but let me just get this off my chest.

[43:42] Okay, speak your mind.

[43:43] Okay, and then we get back to the brick office. I have a nice door. I even open it up because I knew he was coming in. And then I see him in the hallway. I make eye contact with him in the hallway, and he turns and goes the other way. I'm like, no, no, he's not. He is not doing it. Six inches from the door. Six inches. He kicks down the brick wall again.

[44:04] Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[44:07] In my professional experience, we call it a relapse. Um, it's not necessary that he's out to do this to you. He probably can't help himself. He might need to be here more than you do. Do you really think so? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I don't want to encourage empathy because he just sounds like an absolute terror, but I sound I think there might be something deeper, you know, going on with him.

[44:29] I think I think you might be onto something. I don't know what kind of childhood he had. Like at one point, like I try to do a little counseling myself as a probation officer. Just a little bit. Sure. You know, I've been trained by the state. And he said when he was younger that the children would push him around and then drink out of him. And it was really weird, you know. So like he learned to defend himself by busting in through walls and startling people. And he would scare them so bad. Yeah, I see that a lot. Right? And he would just scare him so bad that they would stop teasing him. So I'm like, maybe I just need to have another sit-down with him, you know? What was that? Oh no.

[44:29] I don't have any other appointments. No, no. Get back. Come in. No, don't.

[45:12] Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You son of a [expletive]! Get out of here.

[45:20] You know, wait, maybe he should stay. Oh, he's gone. Well, okay. Well, the first thing I want you to know is that I will be billing you for that.

[45:33] Um my insurance lapsed. I don't have it anymore. And if you ask him for insurance, he's like, oh yeah, I got it. Oh yeah. And then he never gives you the paperwork for it. Never.

[45:44] We'll figure out. Listen, I don't I never like to put the you know, put blame back on the victim. But as your probation officer, like, are you helping him get on the right path? You know, like is this act of of of absolute chaos um him acting out because he doesn't have a stable career or any opportunity, you know. What jobs have you landed? That's that's part of your job is to help line opportunities up for him. What have you found for the Kool-Aid man?

[46:10] Well, it's it's been a it's been a rough ride, let me tell you. Um, the very first gig, I had a connection and I thought Kool-Aid Man would be great for it. And I was actually working at a bank.

[46:20] And I'm sorry, he just I just saw him run uh behind you. I thought he was coming back. Oh my god. Sorry, go ahead.

[46:27] Oh, tears rolling down my face. And so he worked at this bank, and everything was going great for about a week until one of the tellers was like, Hey, I'm parched. And then he took it upon himself to kick down the vault door. I don't know how this guy is so strong. He's made of glass and sugary water. I don't know how he's so strong. He kicked down the [expletive] vault to the bank, and then I guess he figured while he was in there, he'd help himself and started just taking bags of money. He was caught easily. He can't run fast, he's a giant glass pitcher, and he topples over easily. So he was caught within 30 seconds. He actually tripped on the rug. He's like, oh no, and then [expletive] fell on the ground.

[46:27] His sugary drink falls over. It was white carpet in the bank, it ruined the carpet, you know? And then so we worked through that. We worked through that. I got him another job, and this time it was at an old folks' home. And it just got worse. Like, they're all on medication, you know. Like, I knew he was stealing the medication. You could see it floating around in this [expletive] glass picture of a face. Just little pills floating around in there. I'm like, are you on something? His pupils all dilated and [expletive]. No! And like, come on, man, get your [expletive] together. And somebody actually lost their life that day. Who? It was uh uh elderly gentleman of the name of everyone called him old man McMirtleby.

[46:27] And he was trampled that day by Kool-Aid Man. He liked to feed his pigeons by the by his room window there. And Kool-Aid Man, I guess, made eye contact with him and gave him the old double digits to his eyes, double digits to his eyes, and then that's when it was over. Uh apparently from the report, there was a scream of oh yeah, and then they heard a loud bang, and then old man McMurby was sadly killed that day.

[48:26] I think caring less about what you just told me and more about the issue at hand, which is how we're gonna pay for my wall. Um I I think we need to maybe embrace the energy that Kool-Aid Man is is is just drowning in. And he's trying to tear down walls. Why? Why is he trying to tear down walls? I mean, you mentioned his childhood, but it it's more than that. Trauma like that manifests in different ways, but this sounds like he's really actively trying to to break through to somebody, you know, figuratively. And and literally, but also figuratively. Right? Who could he be reaching out to?

[49:03] Like honestly, I think we're we're digging too deep here, Doc, because I grabbed his iPad the other day that he keeps in his back pocket because he's huge, so he has an iPad. And he's got uh the tunes on there, you know. And he has one song on his playlist that's on repeat, and it's that song Break on Through to the Other Side by the Doors, just constantly playing. And I think he's just a menace to society. Oh my god, when again come in. I see him out there. I see him.

[49:37] It's just a little glitch. I see you out there, Kool-Aid guy. I s oh yeah, no, no.

[49:44] All right, and that's gonna wrap it up for Nat One Presents Podcast, the episode of PTSD. Uh, thanks for stopping by and be sure to check out our website that Nate has built. It's awesome.

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[50:23] Oh yeah.

[50:24] Oh yeah. And thanks for stopping by.