Roleplay Rapids | The Miranda-Lorian
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Edited from an automatic transcription of the original recording. Strong language is masked; selected personal asides and adult material are marked [Editorial omission.]. Transcription errors may remain, especially in names and lyrics. Timestamps come from the source; paragraphs split for readability can share a timestamp. The original recording contains adult language and themes. Announcements and offers reflect the recording date.
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[0:00] You're about to listen to the first experimental season of our show, formerly called Nat One Presents the Podcast. For better audio quality and our current ongoing DD campaign, skip ahead to season two featuring the Daft Monks.

[0:14] On this episode of Nat One Presents.

[0:17] Which one was Jerry?

[0:18] You know Jerry, he had one eye and a snaggle tooth and a two left feet and then a club hand.

[0:23] Pigeon toad. You know Jerry. Mousy hair. Definitely big nose, look like a toucan.

[0:31] Adventure. Heartwarming stories. Role-playing that could only be seen by the gods. Here at Nat One Presents, you get all that and more. Now join us as we start another epic tale of con.

[0:47] Just kidding. This is Nat One Presents, a tabletop role-playing game podcast that takes your favorite nerdy games and pop culture icons and ruins them with improv.

[0:58] Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents the Podcast.

[1:01] Uh today's episode, we're going to be doing a little bit different of role-play rapids. We're going to break it down into three different segments for you. But before we begin, I would like to do a couple shout-outs to our newest patrons on Patreon. That would be Marcus, hey bud, uh Kimberly, and Megan. You guys rock. That's all I have to say about that.

[1:22] Um also, we wanted to read our first podcast review. So we we finally had one on Apple Music, uh, our Apple Podcast. It only took weeks, but we got one.

[1:32] Uh, you want to go ahead and read it? Yeah, just to show our appreciation, we will be reading this our very first review.

[1:37] And like I promised in the last episode, in the voice of Greta Thunberg, uh, this review comes from me, 68-53-278, and to show our appreciation, we will actually be using your username in a skit later on to show how much we appreciate it.

[1:53] But the review goes as this I love listening to a podcast where you can hear that they are having fun while they are being funny.

[2:02] I very much enjoy this show, but not global climate change. How dare you!

[2:09] So thank you, ME68-53-278. We appreciate the review. Keep the reviews coming, ladies and gentlemen.

[2:16] Alright, on that note, so again, today we're taking another stab at Role Player Rapids for those of you guys who have been listening. Um they've not been great. Some skits are funny, some are not. We're really trying to fine-tune it. So we're hoping today might maybe we perfected the formula in it.

[2:33] Right. It can't all just be Kool-Aid Mans around here, you know? Like as much as I want to do that.

[2:39] Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, you break into here. How dare you!

[2:46] But on for our first segment, we're gonna be uh going back to some characters we're familiar with. It seems to be a fan favorite, the Belmont and Van Helsing. There definitely some are our favorites, that's for sure. I love it. He I don't think you need you know, you weren't super into it at first. I pitched Trevor Belmont versus Van Helsing at like at least three times before you're like, alright, fine, let's do it. And so and it turned out to be uh kind of kind of a hit for us. One of my faves, so whatever. Nate, you know, even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time. Whatever that means. Don't like Greta here.

[2:46] Okay, so uh we're thinking behind this one, uh Van Helsing now down on his luck is on the side of the road, and Belmont now with the Van Helsing posse is kind of like driving down the road and see him. Right? Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. And then as always, uh we come up with like a premise, but everything from here on out is very clearly unorganized, unscripted, and uh just uh unchanged. Very unscripted. If you think this is scripted, how dare you? Unbelievable. Belmont!

[3:56] Belmont, my boy, is that is that you cruising by Belmont?

[4:00] Posse, don't make eye contact. We don't we don't deal with it. Posse!

[4:03] You remember me, Posse. We used to hang out and have fun times together. Remember the succubus, Posse!

[4:09] Wait. Van Helsing, is that you? I knew you would remember me, Belmont, my boy. Wait, wait, hold up the carriage.

[4:16] Err.

[4:17] It's got breaks. I knew you would remember me, Belmont, my boy. How how has life been treating you? Van Helsing, what the hell happened?

[4:26] Has life been treating you? You look like [expletive]. I uh to be honest with you, I feel like [expletive].

[4:32] The only thing keeping me intact is my Van Helsing name. Everyone found out about how I send the letters to monsters. Apparently the monsters have great paralegal team, and they kept all that as evidence against me. And now the people have turned against me and I've just fallen on hard times.

[4:48] Can't believe people found out about that. It's almost like Geoffrey was writing Jeffrey, were you writing everything down?

[4:55] That son of a [expletive].

[4:57] But I'm past that now.

[4:58] I'm happy living my life free of money and worldly things.

[5:03] Yeah, yeah, that's that's that used to be how I did it too. It was trash.

[5:07] It was not a good life, but I'm so glad it suits you. That's Helsinki.

[5:12] Yes, it's it suits me well, you know, because anytime now Draculate won't have dinner with me every Wednesday, and I have to go to his castle by foot.

[5:22] And did you know that he like transports his castle and it goes like three to four hundred miles away?

[5:29] Three to four hundred miles every time.

[5:31] It takes me four weeks to get there on foot, Belmont. I didn't know if you knew this or not. You know, I believe I brought it up uh that time we dueled, but yeah, yeah.

[5:41] Uh I'm sorry, uh Belmont, my boy. I wasn't listening again.

[5:44] I was staring at my reflection in this puddle in the street water. It seems that's all I have now to get time by time, is just to stare at my own reflection at the man I used to be.

[5:54] I if you want, I could maybe uh you know, I see you dracular here and there, maybe not every Wednesday, but uh Thursday, Saturday.

[6:02] How's how's he doing? Does he talk about me? Oh, okay.

[6:07] No, no, it's like we I don't know, we we definitely talk about you. It's just, you know, the legal challenge. It's your topic best to be avoided sometimes.

[6:16] I understand that, Belmont, my boy. Um by any chance would you happen to have a gold piece I can borrow from you?

[6:24] Monster Slayer, it's a monster slayer.

[6:27] Where did you get that corn cob pipe? Uh you know, there was uh there was somebody who motivated me once. Uh he uh he carried it around with him and uh I found it in the wagon. It sure looks like the Van Helsing family crest on that corncob pipe.

[6:44] No, I don't think so, man.

[6:46] Uh Belmont, oh my god! Like, look at Van Helsing. Uh Belmont looks in the puddle and like at first he sees Van Helsing, but then it like it disrupt like it disrupts and then it shows him. Like, what have I become, Van Helsing? I'm I'm you and you are a [expletive]. Absolutely! You're you are an absolute trash monster, I recall. Oh my god, using my own words against me. What we should trade places right now, Belmont. That's oh no, that's not quite how it works. This isn't this is this isn't trading spaces.

[7:16] Oh uh, this is no uh That was a silly idea.

[7:18] I don't know why I could do it.

[7:19] Yeah, it was more of just like me looking inward, you know, like in a Disney movie where the princess looks, you know, in the puddle. Oh yes, a little bit of self-reflection, yeah.

[7:27] When with my reflection. Anyway, listen, uh about that goal, like I don't know if this will clear my conscience, but here. Take two gold. Oh, thank you very much. Say thank you. Oh sorry, sorry, thank thank you. Yes, yes, yes, I'm gonna go.

[7:45] And and for your kindness in return, I have something in my breast pocket I'd like to give you.

[7:52] It's a sucker punch, isn't it?

[7:54] Yes, it's a it was gonna be a sucker punch.

[7:57] Here. Come here, come sit. Let me listen. I can at least give you a ride in the town. The the the least I can do. Here, take a seat up by me. I see you've upbraided the caravan.

[8:08] It's no longer a Letoots latense carriage. It looks like it says the Belmont on the side of it. Looks very nice.

[8:15] Oh yeah, we got that, uh we got it detailed and everything.

[8:18] It uh looks fantastic. You know, you weren't wrong. People, when you're a celebrity, they just give you whatever you want. Those were the days, my boy, but now I don't but no, I'm not a sellout like you. You know? Like I'm not like you, right? Like we're different, aren't we? Absolutely not. I've changed for the better.

[8:35] I met a 13-year-old girl who told me all about climate. Oh, one of the speakers. Yes, she was a speaker of the people, she likes to say, and she told me about how cows produce gas and it tears apart the environment, and I was so startled by it as I was eating my T-bone steak dinner that I just couldn't think about anything else. And then I realized I wasn't eating a T-bone steak dinner because I ran out of money and I was actually eating my own shoe. Also made of leather. Terrible thing, cows.

[9:09] Oh well. What?

[9:11] That's a lot unbackage, Van Helsing.

[9:13] I've actually turned trades. I no longer hunt monsters, I hunt cows. But it seems that people really don't have a need for a cow hunter.

[9:21] No, no, they don't, Van Helsing. Uh listen. What if we uh man I I am gonna regret saying this, but what if we teamed up? Do you really mean it? Reluctantly, yes. Uh but listen, you have to kinda earn your medal here, if you know what I mean. Uh and kinda like winks at you. There's something in your eye, my boy. No, I I mean uh, never mind. Listen. Alright. Very well, who's the target? Who are we slaying?

[9:52] Is it a cow? I've become quite proficient at slaying cows.

[9:56] No, uh, not not a cow. Um, you remember the werewolf? Yes, the one I thwarted. Yeah, well, uh, he's back, um, because you didn't thwart him.

[10:08] Yes, just like Backstreet.

[10:11] Okay. Well, he's back, he's ravaging, and we need to take him down. But listen, you know, every time I go to fight him, I just end up talking about myself, and then I end up stabbing other adventures.

[10:23] Like, God damn it, I'm turning into you every day.

[10:26] There's a curse, I'm afraid.

[10:28] That's why you need to pay. Is it this pipe? Is this pfft? What's in this? There's special medicinal herbs in there that keep down the inflammation from the present.

[10:38] Remember that time we talked about the succubus in the present? Yes, yes, it'll calm down itself. You get used to it. It's called building up a tolerance.

[10:49] Take it back. Take it all back, Van Housing. Like, this is your this was never my life, you know. Like, I I'm looking at my reflection. And not this time now, he's not looking in the puddle, he's actually just literally looking at you. Like, I'm looking at my reflection. I don't like what I see. So let's do a team-up, but this is yours. Your wagon, I mean, it has my name on it. And the posse's taken a liking to me. The ones that weren't killed in the battles. Um yeah, some of your posse's gone, but who exactly is is is Jerry okay?

[11:22] He was one of my favorites. Which one was Jerry? You know, Jerry. He had one eye and a snaggle tooth and a two left feet, and then a club hand. Pigeon toad. You know, Jerry.

[11:32] Mousy hair, definitely, big nose, look like a toucan.

[11:35] You couldn't miss Jerry for life depending. He had boils on his face. You know, Jerry. Yes. Yeah, you know Jerry. He always walked around, you know, talking to plants and walls and stuff.

[11:49] And his catch free. Jerry, Jerry's dead, Van Helsing. Oh no, not Jerry. Somebody else. Try one of the other ones.

[11:56] Um, let's see. Who else did I really enjoy? Barnaby? Dead. Not Barnaby. You know Barnaby.

[12:02] He had two hands that looked like cast iron. Yes, I called him baby hands. Baby iron hands. No, they were big hands, big as big as mountains, these hands, and he would massage my back and whisper things in my ear like What's his name?

[12:16] Is it Barnaby? Uh number three, come over here. Barnaby, what has happened to you? Where did your hands go? You used to have such big, manly hands, Barnaby. Barnaby, look at me. Do you remember me? It's me, Van Helsing.

[12:30] It's okay, Barnaby. You can look at him.

[12:32] I won't beat you like I did the others.

[12:34] Oh my god, it looks like Barnaby's eyes have been gouged out. It's just two empty sockets peering into my soul.

[12:41] If these people are gonna travel with you, they have to learn to work with you, alright? We do a dangerous job, and so disobedience and back rubs are not something that you can just throw around in the middle of an encounter. So listen, I've gave them some discipline, and I'm ready to give them back to you. They're going to be the best posse you've ever had. They're going to empower you to do good work so you don't end up on the street like you ever you were.

[13:05] Hmm. Very well, Belmont, my boy.

[13:09] Now, when you say team up, like, what exactly are we talking about here in terms of finance and teaming up? Like, are you just gonna leave and go back to living your Belmont lifestyle?

[13:21] I don't think I could ever do that. Like, this isn't me, but also I'm not going back to old me, because that [expletive] sucked as well. Yes, I could see that all over your face, clear as day, clear as Jerry's boils on his neck. You know, Jerry. Uh um, so we I will treble with you. You can keep 80%, but you must. I get uh rations, I get to keep equipment, uh and anything basically not money, any loot we find will be on me, and I will do the battle, but you must stay out of my way. Very well. I think I can accept that, my boy.

[14:01] No, after talking with one of the speakers, I think we should ditch the horses and just have the posse pull the cart.

[14:10] For greenhouse emissions, of course. You you are learning quickly. Miss Grenberg, what was her name?

[14:17] Uh Gunberg. Yeah, but it was like uh Elvish name, I believe. Like uh von Sirberg. It's Elvish. I can't I can't pronounce it.

[14:27] Yes, well, the witch would be very pleased at your choices. And honestly, I don't want to fight her.

[14:32] Me either. She is terrifying. Terrifying. Um, listen, let's go into town and let's try to track down that werewolf. Uh this is uh this this town very, very rough and rough and tumble kind of place, if you know what I mean.

[14:46] Yes, I believe it's uh first um I kind of need to take a bath because I have been soiling myself for weeks on the side of the street.

[14:54] I thought that was the cows.

[14:55] No, no, no, no.

[14:58] Yes, uh, okay. Well would alright, would we visit a bathhouse? And then uh yes, we'll we'll do that, and and then we'll figure out uh arrangements from there. Very well.

[15:08] I'm so happy to be back in your good graces, Belmont, my boy. It's been such a long time.

[15:14] You you had a big part on you, Van Housing, um and I don't know if it's good. It's definitely not good down in my nethered regions, but listen, um we can make this work. There's a future for both of us, and I don't need dinners with Dracula. I don't need a posse, I just I need your friendship, Van Housing. Your something about your disgusting, filthy, like toxic friendship really computes me.

[15:42] Do you want to do an 80s style jump in the air high five?

[15:47] Yes.

[15:51] Alright, so I'm gonna say we're going to alright, we'll skip to like we go into town, and uh as we pull up, you see this like um this creature, it's not human, it's like feminine, um, and it looks kind of like a a succubus, but usually they're like they're young and they're healthy. And this one looks like she has been through some [expletive]. I mean ravaged of some sort. Okay, okay. Um, so we're just going through and be like, okay, so the bathhouses. Uh look at that.

[16:18] Oh, god, god. Belmont, my boy, she looks awfully familiar. Like I have ravaged her through time at some point.

[16:27] And excuse me, excuse me, beast, creature beast monster. Uh uh, do do you know this man right here? This this this this hero of time. I suck in my gut and puff out my chest.

[16:42] You son of a [expletive]. How dare you! Oh my god. Belmont, we need to get out of here immediately. I know this suckiness, and I Oh, I've done some terrible things to her.

[16:54] We need to leave before she sucks the life force out of you. I'm pretty sure we can handle look at her, but I'm saying she looks withered away. You son of a [expletive]. You know what you gave me. Of course I know what I gave you. Everybody has it.

[17:08] It's called the present.

[17:13] I don't actually know what the Oh, it was that the present.

[17:17] Yes, Belmont, my boy, you got it from sitting on my personal toilet. There's a reason I have a personal toilet. Everyone gets the present.

[17:24] You son of a [expletive]. I was a hot looking piece of ass back in the day. Do you know what it's like to be a harpy who can just have sex all the time, kill, have sex, repeat? It's a pretty [expletive] good job, Van Hell say. It was at least, but nobody wants to have sex with this now. And she like flashes something. And everyone's like, oh, come on, get out of here. Like, I can't even go to Dracula's court. I can't go. The beasts don't even want to look at me. I have to sit here in the streets making dream catchers. Like uh, like some kind of like retired queen. It's ridiculous.

[18:00] Uh yes, I see. Um, actually, my life hasn't been going good at at either, you know. And uh Miss Succubus, the way my life has been going, it would be an honor if you would let me murder you and regain my honor as a monster slayer. I mean, look at you, you have nothing else to live for. You're all saggy and gross.

[18:26] I do hate my life, but listen, I'm not ready to just give it up, whatever kind of life this is.

[18:31] You weren't saying that weeks ago when you were giving it up to everybody.

[18:36] You knew?

[18:38] Wait, what what? Are we talking about your clam or your life?

[18:42] You son of a [expletive]. Listen, I heard you became a vampire. Give me that immortal life, and that will do it.

[18:49] It was merely a title.

[18:50] I can give you the paperwork, but I sold it to a goblin fellow who promised me a new pair of shoes, and as you can see by my boots, the my toes are sticking out through them, and he did not, in fact, give me the new pair of boots.

[19:05] So are you are you not a vampire, Van Helsing?

[19:08] No, I am a terrible human being who is now poor, and then Belmont here was kind enough to ruin my life, and then grant me access back to my life again, and I'm trying to pick myself up.

[19:20] So you here demanding alimony for the years you have had some kind of venereal disease is absurd, and I refuse to pay you a dime of the money I no longer have.

[19:30] You are the absolute worst. Alright, listen. Uh I live above the uh the dreamcatcher shop because it's the only place that you actually let me live there, you son of a [expletive]. Shut the hell up. And uh, you are the absolute worst, man. I'll say, like, Ben Housing, you are pretty terrible.

[19:44] Uh let's go and yeah, I think I think maybe you're right. Maybe uh the greatest act of mercy would be putting her down.

[19:50] She's like, I'm right here, Belmont. Like, ugh. When you look back, I'm already like So uh and we're gonna yeah, I'll be like, alright, well, we'll go get some food.

[20:00] Uh we'll go get some food, uh, Van Husing, and then uh we'll go meet her at uh at the succubus' lair. No, nothing dangerous, right? She can't, in her not current state, she can't harm us. No, never, my boy. And uh before end though, I might want to give her another good ravaging before. Oh, you you you duty dust.

[20:19] It's a hard knock life living on the streets, Belmont. You wouldn't believe what I've done for a sandwich.

[20:23] I'm seriously right [expletive] next to you guys.

[20:25] I can hear you.

[20:26] Not now, woman. The men are talking, okay? Alright, so I'm gonna say uh she goes back up.

[20:31] We go and like get dinner, you get a bath, um, and then we go to meet we yeah, and Belmont really needed it. And then we go up to uh we knock on our door, uh, Ed's like, yeah, come in, it's unlocked.

[20:44] Okay, wretched Harpy, prepare for battle as me and my main man Belmont here are gonna decapitate you and put it on a spit and show it through the town, and then I regain my honor.

[20:56] You know, you know, Van Hessing, I I feel like this is very harsh. You know, I I this was the plan, and it's a good plan. But you know, it's your heart's in the right place, but the best place.

[21:07] But but the rest just seems so wrong. Wrong place, wrong time. Maybe this pathetic creature, I'm still here, is is maybe not the route to get your glory back.

[21:17] Maybe we tackle the werewolf, the real monster ravaging the town.

[21:20] You're you're absolutely right, Belmont, my boy. But first, can't we just kill her anyways? I kind of want to cut her open and like a tauntaun and slide inside and wear like a harpy suit, you know, and then walk around town like that. Because honestly, after living on the streets, I've gone a little crazy.

[21:40] Uh, whatever, Van Hessing. I'm gonna go downstairs. You have 20 minutes. That's all the time I need, Belmont, my boy. I'll see you downstairs. I was on like sharpening a knife. Alright, so Belmont exits the scene and uh just the heartbeat uh is like So this is how it's gonna be, huh?

[21:56] Yes, Belmont, my boy, has left, and it's just You and me now, wretched woman. Now, you have two choices. Prepare to dance the dance of the tango like we used to do in our prime.

[22:10] Or I shall murder you viciously and wear your suit around like some kind of businessman going to Wall Street. Which shall it be?

[22:17] You know. I've thought about you every day since that time. And it's not just because you gave me a venero disease. But I think there's something special about you that I had to say. The most special thing. Oh.

[22:32] That's all that's all I had to say.

[22:34] I'm special. Okay, yeah, I know. Uh you're an idiot, but you're lovable. And your bod moves in a way that most male men shouldn't. It's like you dislocated some of your your your limbs. Um, but you're still fluffy. It's all it's just odd to me. It's not it's not human, it's it's magic.

[22:53] It's been described to me as a ziploc bag filled with grape jelly. Especially with all my veins protruding through my paper thin skin, and I don't get out and tan a lot anymore, so it's rather disturbing, and I'm glad you find it so attractive.

[23:09] Sometimes I shift my body weight from side to side because I get these weird sores, just like Jerry used to. Sackumis, you remember Jerry?

[23:17] He was there videotaping the As he won the hook for the hands. No, he had the two left feet and he was pigeon-toed and he had the boils on his neck and he had the nose the size of a two-cat.

[23:27] Uh Jerry, yeah, I carried him off more than once. I knew you would, you wretched harpy. Alright, let's do this, dance. Give me one more night to to feel like a pretty harpy again.

[23:40] You got it, and for this I will learn the Spanish word that I learned on the streets. And we need to take this despacito.

[23:49] I don't know what that means.

[23:50] Come close to me. Me either, yeah. Let's do this. Yeah, she's gonna like put her hands on just whatever. Imagine like a slow dance at a high school. Like I don't know, or are we actually Spanish dancing? Like No, he doesn't know what he's doing. I just imagine like a high school prom and they're just like looking each other's eyes and like I've lived a long time, Ben Helsing.

[24:12] How long have you lived, my dear? Many lifetimes, but there's there's only been one man who uh you know most times I sleep with a guy, I steal their youth, and I keep going, but I slept with you and you stole my heart.

[24:29] Well, I'm glad you didn't rip into my chest and steal mine. I didn't really need to, I got three. That is oddly disgusting. But did you know after the enormous amount of cows I have murdered, that they have multiple stomachs inside their body?

[24:44] It's the graziest thing. Did you just say graziest thing? The graziest thing I think.

[24:50] Okay, alright, well.

[24:51] You wouldn't believe it as I'm dancing with her heart.

[24:54] She puts her like brinkly hooked claw finger on your lips and it's like no more talking, just dance and do what you're about to do.

[25:04] Very well, my dear. I did I know it's hard to tell from my enormous belly that I have acquired living on the streets, but I uh my mast is at full attention.

[25:18] Trying to think of like a mini pull like uh like uh is that a crossbow in your pocket or are you happy to see?

[25:24] No, it's a trebuchet, and my balls flop around like crazy and they swing and go to and fro. You know, just like the old ziploc baggy with the grape jelly. Okay, my eyes are closed.

[25:39] Just for one last time. Second punch.

[25:42] No!

[25:44] And with that, it's like a really weak punch. You can't even feel it very well. And she just like falls on you, and like the rest of her body withers up, and she just like is like Belmont, get back in here!

[25:55] The one woman I truly ever loved, kind of, for multiple times on separate occasions, throughout years, and not really any kind of other communications. I loved her, and she died. Belmont, get in here.

[26:11] Then I sing, what what the hell happened? You said you were going to kill her and give her a mercy kill. She's literally laying on your body and you're sobbing in tears with a boner.

[26:20] I look up at you, like dead, straight eyes look at you, and I'm like, I told you, my boy, I was the best monster hunter ever. I told you she'd die eventually. End scene.

[26:36] Awesome. So, man, what do you like so much about for like these characters? I really love Belmont. I love Anne Helsing. What do you think the like what's most lovable about them? It's just the one's like so serious and the other's so over the top, but like wants to be treated serious, you know. I think like that's the fact. And then I love doing that voice for him.

[26:56] Yeah, Trevor, my boy.

[26:58] Um, yeah, I you you always see I mean obviously the viewers can tell that like I forget to do the Trevor Belmont voice, and then I like midway like start to do it again. But like sometimes I'm getting confused between like a hell's like um I really like that in like from the get-go, I I was the one who suggested the concept, and I really dig that they both are like vampire hunters, they're both specifically Dracula Hunters. Yes, and to me that's just funny. Like, they're like, Yeah, you know, that whole I joke like they're the same, excuse me, they're the same person. Um, that's comical to me, and so but like I we're now we're trying to like build like a relationship and just like a friendship, and I think that's interesting.

[26:58] I think it could be like a series of adventures, like oh, there they are again, Belmont and Van Helsing. Right now it does seem to be a a pretty popular uh episode on our podcast, but uh I think yeah audience will be seeing a lot more of this. Um and I hope you guys really enjoy. And if you have any shenanigans you'd like to see uh Van Helsing and Belmont get into, then please just let us know, you know, with comments, you know, sharing. I'll read them out loud and I'll do my Greta voice.

[28:04] And if you don't write us anything, how dare you?

[28:08] Alright, so next up we gotta we got a brand new new characters, new skit. Um I call this the Mirandalorian. So, right, um Mandalorian has pretty been pretty hot now for about a year or so. Um we just got through season two, and for me, I thought it would be funny to bring in an outsider. Like, so we have another, this won't be the actual title characters from the show, but we have another Mandalorian who will remain unnamed. Yep. And then he has this like partner that he picked up. Are we gonna cover that in the roleplay or are we just gonna pre-establish the?

[28:43] No, I think let's pre-establish it. Because I want to know, is she also a Mandalorian? Like, is she from the same order that always has the helmet on?

[28:51] Because like the way the character you described, she always has her helmet on. That's [expletive] hilarious. Alright, yeah. So then so Miranda in the Mirandalorian is just like imagine this like ballet girl who's always on her phone. So it's like literally like not wearing armor except the like the Beskar helmet. So it's like Beskar helmet in pink, and then like a girl on her phone all the time. And so she's Miranda, and then she just refers to the the other Mandalorian as Mandy. Um, and then she's just not helpful. And so we I this is uh I don't know if it'll be funny, but this is kind of the scene. So you know, we're gonna we're gonna jump in and and some crazy space antics and see how it goes.

[28:51] Um and I think also this is where we'll get to uh introduce ME6853278. Thanks again for the review.

[29:35] Um best fan right now.

[29:37] Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna add you in this this episode. So uh again, if this sucks, we're sorry. We are just winging this roleplay rapids as usual. Um, but hopefully it'll be a good time. Okay, let's do this. I'm Mandy. You're Mandy. I am Andy. So describe uh the mission that was given to Mandy right before the start of this episode. Okay, we're on Tatooine because everything takes place on [expletive] tattooing apparently moisture. And somebody has stolen like my big let's say my jetpack. They stole my jetpack. And now we're hunkered down like behind some rocks. And then now it's our job to like infiltrate the sand people's uh base of operations, their little village or whatever, and get my jetpack back without causing too much of a scene. Okay.

[29:37] Alright, so we're gonna we're just gonna get started. So, Mendy, it's so hot here. I can't take great photos with this light. It's just it it bleaches out the photos too much. Miranda, quiet down. The sand people might hear you. Sorry, Mendy. It's okay. Now, what we need to do is try to gain access to the sand people's tent. That one over there on the left. Can you see it? We don't you're looking at your phone. No, Mendy, I just like sometimes it's better to Google questions than try to do it.

[30:47] Well, what showed up?

[30:48] Uh, how to get in a guy's tent.

[30:50] Um, it's referring to someone's pants. No, that's yeah, it's not gonna work at all. So, what we need to do is I took a thermal imaging scan of the entire operation, and there is about seven to eight sand people over there on the ridge. Can you see them? Ooh, ooh, let me see. So, oh What is hot and tattooing? What are you looking at? Sand people are not attractive. That is uh subjective opinion. Um but yeah, no, I guess you're right. Uh I totally got somebody back home. Palpy calls me all the time, and he's a real big fan of mine. Oh my god.

[31:26] How do we get teamed up again?

[31:29] Well, uh, nobody wanted me at the academy, but you broke uh the golden rule of the Mandalorian.

[31:36] And so their punishment instead of taking your armor and uh banishing you from the the the cult is to have to train me as your uh like your kind of like your Mandalorian Pedouan. That was rhetorical, but okay, thank you. Now um let's see. Youhoo over here! We need X T10! Get down, Miranda! Oh my god.

[31:59] Are we gonna have to kill them? Did anybody notice? I look up.

[32:03] Is anybody there? I don't know. I'm gonna like dial on my phone.

[32:07] Like, hey, hey, can you like do like a satellite image and see if there's anybody out in the Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, there's two enemies. Um they literally can hear us.

[32:17] Oh, okay. Hi, everything we said.

[32:18] Thanks, Becky. Yeah, hi.

[32:20] Oh. Who is Becky?

[32:22] Becky? Uh Becky with uh global comms?

[32:26] You know what? I don't want to know. No, we need to get my jetpack. Wait, did you get Rainbow Unicorn stickers on your jetpack? I didn't get them, Mandy. I ordered them and I put them online and then I put them and I stuck them in my thing. Because just because we're Mandalorian doesn't mean we're soulless. We're not Borelorians. That's okay. Forget that now. Let's hunk her down and let's sneak quietly. Mandy, what's this doing? She pushes a button on your jetpack. Not your jetpack, but your uh your your jump. Like my wristband or something. It's like apparently someone hit a Nat 20. God damn it, Miranda.

[33:09] Oh, Mandy, they got me! Stop!

[33:12] Oh no, I have to stop them.

[33:13] No, no, my followers, they totally caught me, not with wearing makeup. They got me.

[33:18] Damn it, Miranda. You can't distract me like that. I'm focused on the mission right now. I need to get back. Right behind you! Whoa, where? Behind you? The direction behind you. It's not hard. Is there anyone behind me? No. Oh. Instead behind you. Because you always have me behind you telling you what to do. Rand, I don't know if this is gonna work out anymore. I think next time I leave you at the cantina, and I know that they play the same song over and over again for 12 hours straight. That's true, but I always get free drinks when I play with the droid. I don't even know like how it works. Like, like really, it shouldn't make sense, but it does. That bartender droid? Are you talking about ME68-53-278?

[33:18] Yeah, he is so into me. So drinking too, yes. That's besides the point. He needs to stop giving you drinks. He makes a tantan martini that will blow your mind. Oh, is it that cool one that comes in a fleshy sack and then you have to cut it open and that's you slurp out the. It's the one that's like mixed with blue milk and it numbs your mouth, and then you get like, ah, it kind of gag a little bit, which you know can be helpful. We are we're getting beside the point here.

[34:20] I need to get the jetpack. You are distracting me.

[34:23] What is that in your hand? Oh, this, uh, this is my selfie stick. And I like hold up the stick. It's going above the rack. Smile, smile, Mandy!

[34:34] Kind of looks like R2's mirror, like Dammit Miranda. How many times the family blows?

[34:45] Oh [expletive]. Alright, let's get out of here. Do we have the keys for the speeder? Uh no, Mandy. You said you were gonna have the keys to the speeder. I specifically gave you the keys for the speeder. Uh, as you say that, someone drives off on our speeder. Mandy, that wasn't even paid off. I mean, it was on my card, my parents' card.

[35:05] I'm just picturing like holding his head like in his helmet.

[35:07] Like, goddammit, what did I do? Okay, new plan. Run. She just like kind of like uh but she's just like really like basically walking.

[35:19] Like, Mandy, no, they're gonna get me.

[35:22] Yes, I hope they do. Run faster. She like trips, but then she like hits like a button on because she still has her jetpack.

[35:32] Yeah, and the missile like goes up, loops around, and then like hits the guys, and then like go, I don't know, just like hits a bunch of people and like then like circles around, gets like the net, like the tent, the top of the tent, and like drags the tent open. So now the tent is just like an open space.

[35:46] Okay, like Mandy, look your jetpack.

[35:49] Oh my god, you are so lucky, you know that.

[35:52] All right, let's get it and get out of here. I have an appointment to make. What do you have an appointment for? Honestly, I'd I told you to write it down in the calendar because you always have that device in here. You did write it on the calendar, see? And then I hold up like social media and it says exactly at what time you're gonna be at a place. And then there's like a comment from like your arch enemy. Who's your arch enemy in this? Ooh, I don't know. Who do you think? Um, just make it up. Okay, uh Grand Moff Jerry.

[36:19] Moff Didion.

[36:20] Yeah.

[36:21] There's like a comment under your post of Moff Didion. I'm like, oh, see you there.

[36:26] So see, Mandy, I'm a great assistant.

[36:29] No, you told him about us, and now he knows exactly where we're going to meet.

[36:33] Well, he said he wanted to give me his dark saber, and you know how I feel about that.

[36:37] You're always hankering for that dark saber, Miranda. You need to cut that out. That's not the m that is not the way. Hello? Hey, Palpy. Hey, no, I'll be there. I'll be there, Palpy. Are you talking to the Emperor himself? I don't know. He's just some old man who gives me money. He built me a Death Star, whatever that is. He did not build that for you. He built it, yes, he did, twice. Here, look. And I show a picture of like it's like me at like the ribbon cutting ceremony.

[37:02] He's got a big bow on it. Sappy Sweet 16.

[37:06] Like a bow around the entire state station. Pappy and I go way, way, way, way, way, way back. Then how did you get stuck being a Mandalorian bounty hunter?

[37:19] Well, I don't know. Like, I was at this like daycare because I thought I was pregnant, but it was actually just indigestion.

[37:25] And then there was this baby, and then something about 69, and then a bunch of people started dying.

[37:30] I was like, oh baby.

[37:32] And so I picked it up, this little like green flop frog thing, and then I like smuggled it out. And then I don't know, like then I lost track, like things got weird. I got sent to this other planet, and then I just kind of left him with a bunch of other bounty hunters, and then now I'm here in Tatooine, you know, just trying to live my best life.

[37:50] That that's a lot. How do you keep track of all of that?

[37:54] Um, I don't. Um honestly, I literally forgot until you just brought it up. Wow, that is a whoa, look out! Get down, it's a crate dragon! Holy sh. We need to get out of here, stat! Okay, uh, why don't we did you grab your jetpack? Yes, I have my jetpack. Let me just happen. No. See? You need me, Mandy. Well, you need me. Do you have any extra? Give me canister of fuel. Yeah, and I pull out a flask and I hand it to you. Here you go, Mandy. I filled it right before we left. Awesome, thank you. Is this gonna how far is this gonna get me?

[38:26] Um, well, it's not gonna get you very far because it's vodka, but it will get you a little shockered.

[38:31] God damn it, Miranda.

[38:33] I'm gonna take this call. Hey Beck!

[38:35] I just start walking. Yeah, no, there's definitely a giant sand monster crawling to the ground. Yeah.

[38:41] Yeah. No, it's like, it's like long. Like, no. No, not like Han, like like Lando. Yeah.

[38:48] God, she never shuts up. Where's the ship?

[38:51] Boop, boop.

[38:54] I know I parked it over here somewhere. Miranda, why don't you help me find the ship? Immediately when you like hit that button, like the stero comes on because it was on like full blast. California girls, it's on for game. And now, like, the entire like village is like coming out and just like. Oh no, the same people.

[39:09] Mandy, I just can we get like serious radio or you know, something like that.

[39:14] We can't afford it because you ruin every single mission we go on. I cannot afford satellite radio right now. We get the NPR and local radio the National Republic Radio? Yes, and that is it. The NPR R. R.

[39:38] Listen, all right, listen, you know, I know you didn't pick me, Mandy, and I didn't pick you, but I think we're kind of cute together, okay?

[39:47] And you don't even know what we look like together. We always have helmets on.

[39:51] This is the way.

[39:52] Oh no, when you sleep, I take it off and I kiss your face. You're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to see what I look like under my mask.

[40:00] Yes, I am.

[40:01] It says this is the day.

[40:02] Every day you say this is the day. No, this is the way. The way to what?

[40:06] If you weren't on your global clicking the buttons, yeah, yeah. Your space phone non-stop, this this wouldn't be an issue. And we might actually make some money doing these bounties instead of alerting everyone. Poppy sent us a gift card for MPR and for Sirius Radio. For Dark Dark Serious Radio. I'm not getting it installed. You can get it installed at the next port. Where's the next port? Most eisley, we can stop there. Alright, let's go there. Really is the same solid. Every time I told you.

[40:44] Uh yes, ME68-53-278. Uh, Miranda would like her favorite drink again. Because she heard the nice thing she said about you where you said you love listening to a certain podcast where you can hear that they are having fun while they're being funny, and I and you very much enjoyed the show, and we appreciate that.

[41:05] It just goes away. Doesn't even ask you for your drink order.

[41:09] Oh, you're the best ME68-53-278.

[41:15] So, all right, Mendy, let's play a game. I'm gonna point to an alien and you tell me how hot he is. Okay, or she. Wait, do we have to play this? We need to be focusing on the next mission right now. What is the next mission? The mission, I thought the mission was coming here.

[41:26] Hold on, let me get one of these pucks. And then I put like one of the bounty hunter pucks and like a show like Admiral Akbar, like, no, we don't want to kill him.

[41:35] [expletive] another puck comes up. Luke Skywalker. No. We don't want to kill him. This is cute. Um then another one comes up, like it's uh it's a baby Chewbacca. It's a baby, it's a baby Chewbacca. Oh my god. A baby Wookiee.

[41:51] Yeah, he is so cute. Wouldn't he look super cute in my um my my breakfast nook on the ship?

[41:58] Like stuffed?

[41:59] No, like you know, living.

[42:02] Oh, okay, yes. Uh, okay, well, we need to get the bounty on him. He's worth 50,000 credits.

[42:08] That is a lot of credits, Mando.

[42:10] Yeah, so we need to focus. Thank you. We need to focus. Miranda, focus, Miranda, Miranda.

[42:17] I am listening.

[42:18] Alright, I said, hey guys, there's a bounty.

[42:21] Can anyone tell me where to find the $50,000 baby Chewbacca?

[42:24] Okay, thank you. He's on the planet Kashyik. We need to set course to there. And he's very specific. He has a white stripe going down his back. And it needs to be him. And like last time we did one of these abduction missions, you just stole the first baby you came across, and it wasn't the right baby.

[42:42] They don't look human, Mandy. You know, like they just all look at you and they drool, and some of them have like tentacles, and it's just weird. It's weird, Mandy.

[42:50] I know it's weird, but then you started making out with some other girl you met named Ginger.

[42:54] Like you took off your helmet and we're just making out with her at the bar. And that is not going to help our cause here, okay? Don't make out with any of the Wookiees.

[43:02] Hey, Ginger! I just wave like actually, she knows exactly the coordinates to whatever planet that baby chabak is.

[43:10] It's Kashyyk.

[43:11] Do you know how to get to Kashyy?

[43:12] No, I don't currently know how to get to Kashyyyk.

[43:14] Ginger, come here.

[43:16] And they like sit together, like, no, no, you're cute. No, I'm cute.

[43:19] Okay. Alright, no, I'm cute too. Say, uh, Manny doesn't know how to get to Kashyyk, and he would like you to give him the coordinates.

[43:25] Please. Please, Ginger.

[43:28] Ugh, yeah. Your boyfriend's a total loser, by the way.

[43:31] But I'm not her boyfriend. Uh, that's not what she says. Have you looked at social media? Look at all these pictures of you, and it happens to be like because your helmet's always on, they can't see your expression. So she's just always like next to you, and like it just looks like you're there.

[43:44] I'm picturing her like drawing in sharpie, like different expressions on my helmet. Smiley face, like raised eyebrows, like I'm shocked.

[43:51] You're a pretty cute couple, you don't have to be embarrassed about it, hon.

[43:54] I don't use social media, and I didn't even know this when she sleeps. I'm gonna have to lock my space pod. Okay. Now can you please get us directions to Kashiik? Yeah, here's the coordinates. I'll write it down for you.

[44:06] Uh M E six eight five three two seven eight, you got a pad? Paper? No? Okay, just give me a chip. Thanks. Stop looking at my girl. All right. She's not into you. Oh so she writes it down. She's like, but listen, Moff Diddy Diddle, he's uh he's coming. Yeah, Moff Didley. I hear he's on his way. And uh I would not be surprised if he boards your ship on your way to Kashi Keshi.

[44:35] This is troubling news. We're gonna have to fly low space and take it easy for a little bit. We're gonna have to lay low, Miranda. You have all the supplies you need to lay low for a couple days.

[44:44] Palpy, I'm on my way to Kashi. Can you let all everybody know not to bother us?

[44:48] God damn it, Miranda.

[44:50] Mm-hmm.

[44:50] Mm-hmm.

[44:52] Okay, thank you. Also, Ben Momi, 300 credits. Thank you, bye.

[44:55] You can't be constantly like I got like a notification. It's like 500 credits and like a picture.

[45:01] He always gives you extra than what you ask. And you need to stop relying on him. This is part of your training. We need to teach you to be a proper Mandalorian and have some self-respect. And are you making out with Ginger right now?

[45:13] This is come on. You know you like him, Andy. This is disgusting. I'm gonna be at the ship. I have the coordinates. Thank you, Ginger. And especially thank you, ME68-53-278. You are the best droid my guy could be looking for.

[45:29] Okay, so we go to the ship. We're gonna we're gonna take off.

[45:32] Oh yeah, we gotta take off. Yes, I'm the pilot. I don't trust you to pilot. You don't even keep your eyes on the space road. Mindy, it's called autopilot. It means it automatically goes where you want it.

[45:44] It doesn't work like that, Miranda. Just sit back and do whatever you do. Take your selfies. Yes, it does.

[45:49] Watch this. And I push a button and it shoots like a laser down and like hits the like the the like the sand dragon. The crepe dragon? Yeah, as we like lift off the like whatever.

[46:01] Oh there's a crate pearl in there we can make lightsabers out of.

[46:04] But nope, we need to get to cash eat.

[46:06] Okay.

[46:07] Hyperdrive.

[46:08] No, wait, we're laying low because uh low Grand Moff Diddly on it. Easy. And I'm like like pouring water on me. Like, isn't this cool? It's like a wet t-shirt contest, but in space. I'm really trying to fight it, but like underneath like my foot is like tapping with the music. Oh yeah. He's so into me, guys. Yeah, no, yeah.

[46:26] No, yeah.

[46:27] Yeah. He thinks he's funny. He's not funny.

[46:29] Miranda, who are you even talking to right now? It's just me and you in the cab of this ship. No, I'm I'm on my phone.

[46:35] Oh. I swear to god, I'm gonna freeze you in carbonite. Now. No, go take a nap and I will get us a casheet.

[46:42] Oh okay.

[46:44] I can't do it.

[46:45] I'm sorry, I'll leave that job. Okay. Yeah, she goes and she takes a nap. She's like, if you get tired, the ship can find itself. Hmm. It doesn't it doesn't work like that.

[46:55] Like you can kind of push some buttons, but what if a giant space monster comes flying out with tentacles and stuff, and there's a rock band on there and they're singing, I believe in a thing, God now, and then I'll take care of you, Mandy.

[47:05] You promise Miranda? Yes. Alright, I'll go take a nap then.

[47:09] Okay.

[47:10] I go lay down, take a nap. Uh so you go to sleep and uh I'm like, don't worry, I'll take care of everything.

[47:16] You take a nap.

[47:17] You've earned it.

[47:18] Um and then you start to like the like you hear like and like you hear like the the it's shaking, the ship's shaking, like some bumping. And uh yeah, you hear some emergency noises and you wake up.

[47:30] Oh my god, Miranda, what's going on? No palpy, no, okay. But just for a minute, and I like lift up and like flash like on my phone. I'm like showing Palpy in my boots. Disgusting. Why why are your feet on the dash? I have told you about the dash, and what's with the alarms? What's going on? I don't know. I literally just hit the autopilot button, and then all of a sudden we entered like what looked like a black hole or whatever, and now I don't know where the hell we are. I told you it doesn't work like that. Move over, give me the controls. Hmm, I like when a man takes charge. Alright, what are the oh, you're disgusting.

[48:02] Go talk to Palpi. Where are we? Computer, where are we?

[48:07] You are in the region of uh veracular, uh, not close even remotely to Vishack.

[48:14] Computer, did Ginger give proper coordinates?

[48:18] Uh no, this is uh coupon for uh uh Manny Penny at Canton Weed.

[48:24] God Sam, we've just been flying in circles! Somebody could have had our bounty by now. Hold on, let me use my space phone and I'm gonna call down. Uh I call down to the cantina. Emmy 6853278. Can you please email me coordinates to Kashiq, please? I should have asked you originally. I don't know why I trusted that [expletive] ginger. Okay, I'm sorry. She's a nice lady. She's a nice lady. Thank you, Emmy 6853278.

[49:00] You're the best. Seriously though. You're the best. You're the best. Uh okay. So we get the coordinates, and uh, we see the planet in sight. We're starting to like lock in and like start to lower when this giant like imperial like looking thing like starts to descend and like uses a tractor beam to like pull us back. Miranda, buckle down. Mandy, who do you think this is? I don't know, it could be Pappy or whatever you call Powpy. Oh, oh no, actually, it's it's Dideon. Um, I told him he'd be here and he said you'd meet us at seven.

[49:31] You told him where we're gonna be?

[49:33] Yeah! Why? You know I want the Darksaber.

[49:36] It doesn't work like that. You're gonna have to battle him to the death for it, and I can't help you. Hmm. Foreplay. Disgusting. Why am I teamed with you? There's gotta be a way out of this.

[49:47] I'm gonna be like, nope. And I go to the escape pod with my jet back, I'm just gonna jump out and like start flying somewhere.

[49:54] You go, it's like it's titled HR, and then you get it and it just congenisens you at this point. And then uh We'll just call that N-seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, so that was the Mirandalorian. Uh, if you liked it, let us know. If you hated us, hated it, let us know. Um either or whichever you call it. We'll see if Baby Chewbacca makes it into the next episode and that we don't get a lawsuit. Wow, I am just that's fine. Maybe I'll learn a wiki voice by then, or I'll just go all out and buy the mask and just wear the mask the whole episode. I do think we need to add some like Mandalorian, like voice modularity. Oh, yeah, we should. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be pretty bad.

[49:54] That would probably make it, I think. Alright, we got one more new segment, and hopefully it goes better than the last one. I know that last one was rough. The Van Helsing thing's always solid, though. Always solid. You can't go wrong with a succubus dying of venero disease. Um, all right. So this last one was inspired by Nate the other day. He told me a funny story which reminded me of the antique road show. And we thought, what if people what if people brought in a bunch of like relics from fantasy worlds or even just like relics from our world that maybe just aren't actually as valuable as maybe they think they are. Right. That would be.

[49:54] So do you want to be the appraiser or would you like to be the person bringing the item?

[51:14] I think um I'd like to be the appraiser on this one.

[51:18] Okay, okay. Um, so I I have written down like six an assortment of like six items. So uh I'll just kind of jump in, we'll play some different play it out and see how it goes. Alright, sounds good to me.

[51:31] Sir, do you know what you have in your possession here?

[51:35] Uh well, it's hard to tell because it is completely invisible. Um, but I believe it is a cloak worn by none other than the one and only Harry Potter. Famous Auror. Famous Auror, an annoying, whiny, uh popular kid in school.

[51:53] Yes. Um I'm gonna dissect this a little bit here and break this down to you. Um, looking at this, this thread by thread, you can see that this is visible on the one side, but when you turn it around, and I do that [expletive] he did in the movie where he puts it on his head and he's like, oh I'm just a floating head.

[52:10] Oh wow, I never actually turned it around. So I I literally have just been holding this invisible sack of cloth and knew nothing about it.

[52:15] Well, yes, yes, yes. That seems to be the first mistake. Now, how do you think that you acquired this from a Mr. Harry Potter?

[52:23] Oh, well, uh, as I said, we went to school together. He was really popular and really annoying. Um, but when we graduated, uh we set up a five-year reunion. I went, he wore it because of course he had to show up everybody with old tricks. Fascinating. Um, but then he got drunk um with Hermoyne on some other [expletive], and I actually just took it from his stag. I just took his jacket and it took his invisible cloak and I booked it out of there. It's like the only thing great that came out of the five-year Hogwarts reunion.

[52:48] So you admit you stole this.

[52:51] Yeah, I mean, look, uh from what I hear it's one of the 570. Was it? Nothing. Nothing. Sorry. Oh, okay.

[52:58] Continue your story.

[53:00] Well, it's uh I I hear this is one of the legendary Deathly Hollows of three, and really they just get stolen, they get passed from person to person. So who really owns Endbame? Yeah.

[53:09] Well, considering a Mr. H.

[53:11] Potter is still alive, and the Deathly Hollows was in his possession, and he did slay Lord Voldemort, you know, like Oh god, we got uh what do we call those a Potter head? Come on, he saved the world, and you have to admit, and now I am holding his invisibility cloak. Like I got like tears running down my cheek and [expletive] like that. What is it worth? And not to you, but in general. I just want to sell this thing and be able to pay my work.

[53:35] Let's take a look at it here. Uh invisibility cloak that helped one H. Potter defeat one L. Voldemort. Uh excuse me, he who must not be named.

[53:44] Um actually, a Deathly Hollow goes back to the creation of magic itself. So a lot.

[53:50] That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna say about Honey, we're gonna be rich.

[53:53] $3.50. What the? Because it's it used to be Harry Potter. No one's gonna want to buy this thing unless it's some kind of black market deal. No one's gonna buy it. It's Harry Potter. They're gonna want to give it back to him. He's probably gonna travel here right now after that code 57 I just gave, and they're gonna track you down.

[54:09] No, come on. Listen, uh, it's I fell in tough times. You know, I was the star player at [expletive] at Hogwarts on the Quidditch team until he came, and then I wasn't popular, I wasn't smart, and I'm honestly I didn't even want to marry this chick, but she, you know, like here she is. So yeah, but thilda bagshot, gross. Listen, man, it's gotta be worth more than three, right? Alright, then I'll tell you the best. What is it worth to you? The best I can do for you right now is I'm gonna give you 50 galleons. And we won't tell anybody this happened. You know, security want to cancel that?

[54:42] And I'll take this off your hands. Okay? And it'll be hush hush. And we'll even do an unbreakable vow if you want.

[54:48] Like without I wanted I'm like holding out my hand. Like, you ready?

[54:50] You ready for this?

[54:51] Can you do 55?

[54:53] Can I really nickel and dime in me here? Yeah, we'll do 55 galleons.

[54:56] Alright.

[54:57] Okay.

[54:57] It's really only worth three.

[54:59] Yes, absolutely, 100%.

[55:01] I would never lie to you. Alright, yeah, all right, Anthony does the whips out of the wand. You guys do the whole crisscross episode. And uh that concludes this episode of Antiques Roadshow. That was that was all on camera. Oh [expletive], I think I just lost my job. Oh [expletive]. Uh um up next on Antiques Roadshow, we uncover something that smells like trash. Is that the cloak or the next item? It's the next item. Next item. Okay. Hmm. Hey, I have something of great, greater value that uh very few people have in possession, mostly because they don't want it anymore.

[55:42] Oh, yes. Uh, do you mind if I take a look at it?

[55:45] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I I suspect you know exactly what this is. Well, the outside of the box has decayed a little bit and smells oddly like pastrami and hot garbage.

[55:56] There seems to be some kind of extraterrestrial written on this, and ooh, this is an old box. What's this say? Atari? Atari.

[56:06] Yes, this is one of the original publications of the Atari game E.T. Extraterrestrial. Have you heard of it?

[56:17] She said it. Oh, sorry.

[56:20] Give me a bucket.

[56:21] I think everybody's heard of that game.

[56:23] Ah, well, let me tell you a little bit of history, Mr. Appraiser. I've done my research, and this game is known uh very majorly in the gaming industry to have actually tried to crash the Atari and the whole gaming uh industry as a whole.

[56:41] It was so bad people stopped investing companies for a brief period of time, stopped investing in games. So clearly, something of this value, something with this kind of impact, would be worth uh maybe a hundred thousand dollars. Uh I pull out my little like inspector stick and I'm just like whacking it a little bit. It's like uh campo, campo.

[57:04] Kind of poke it and prod it a little bit.

[57:06] Like blowing in the cartridge like uh the best I can do for you is um get the [expletive] off of Antiques Road Show.

[57:15] That's the What do you mean? No, this is garbage. Who is producer, producer Bill?

[57:21] This is a historical treasure.

[57:23] No, producer, why are you bringing me to this [expletive]?

[57:25] You're supposed to be finding me good [expletive], and this is back to back.

[57:28] Is this is this still recording? This is [expletive].

[57:30] No, yeah, it's recording, and now we gotta bleep your [expletive] ass out because we don't cuss on Antiques Roadshow because there's 90-year-old women in [expletive] Wisconsin watching this [expletive]. They would buy this game. No, they would not. No one's gonna buy your trash. It's garbage, it's E.T. Stop pushing me.

[57:43] Sorry, you just look so pushable with your belly full of jelly and your bearded neck.

[57:49] No one's buying this thing. So I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to leave Antiques Roachho. I'll take it somewhere else.

[57:55] There is only 60,000 copies of these sitting in a dumpster.

[57:59] Yeah, exactly. Go take it to the dumpster. Go talk to [expletive] some adventurer if you want. And [expletive], he lives out by the trash can and just give it to him.

[58:07] Just leave Antiques Road Show. This is [expletive].

[58:09] I'm on the verge of the show. You'll rue the day that you turn down. Nobody says extraterrestrial.

[58:14] Nobody says rue. Get the [expletive] out of here. I'm getting pissed, man. Like last time you show me a [expletive] Victorian era pocket watch. It was awesome, [expletive] worth millions of dollars, and then you bring me this literal garbage. Producer Bill, stop this!

[58:29] Like, find me some good [expletive]. What happened? Why why are you punishing me?

[58:33] Why are you punishing me like this? This is garb, it smells like garbage. I ran out of rubber gloves before I came over here and I touched this [expletive] garbage. This whole time, like you're actually still like live on there, and then this becomes like a viral, like revives the show. You know, [expletive] it, [expletive] it. I'm done. I'm done. Let's go on in the next one. What's the next one we have? You, sir, what do you have? They could oh my god, what do you have that I can appraise? You seem pretty obsessed. No, I'm [expletive] fine. It better be [expletive] good. What does it have to appraise so I don't lose my job? You know, you know he who must not be named.

[58:33] Yes, we were I went over this on the first thing they tried to make me appraise. He well, this there is only one of, and it is not in possession of uh H. Potter. This is Vladimort's original nose. You're you're serious right now, like his actual nose? Yeah, look at it. I like unwrapped the cloth, and it's just like decayed, but still kind of like fleshy nose. See, many people don't know, but before he like kind of transmuted himself into like a snake man, he actually had a nose.

[59:40] Yes, yes. I'm familiar with the story itself, but how did you come to acquire his nose?

[59:47] It's human flesh. Are you even legally allowed to have this? Oh, absolutely not, but that's what makes it more valuable. Well, how did you get it? Don't don't worry about it.

[59:58] Oh my god, this is disgusting.

[60:00] Okay, this is a very nice nose. The best that anybody could offer you for this nose is a trip to the mental ward at the local asylum.

[60:09] Because you are walking. It is value. It is look at it, look at it.

[60:12] And it puts it on his face. It's like, now I'm the dark lord. Fear me and give me lots of money. Um, no, you're gonna have to say that you don't know parcel tongues.

[60:24] You don't know.

[60:24] Yes, I do, yes, I do. I'm Voldemort. I'm Voldemort now. I'm Voldemort. I dug this nose out of someone's grave, and now I'm Lord Voldemort.

[60:32] It's not even Voldemort's nose.

[60:35] Death Eaters come.

[60:36] Nobody's coming for you, please. Please producer Bill! Producer Bill.

[60:42] Okay, okay. Alright, we're on to the next one. Producer Bill, we have three more left on my shift. Please tell me it's something that I can actually check on. Is is that the word?

[60:54] Jerry, listen, you have three items. We have to keep rolling, it's not a big deal. Just get through and you can call it a day after that. We'll we'll promote you if you want to be part of the actual like not on air appraisers. Okay, that would be awesome. I'm tired of doing this. You always have crazy people come up. Okay. It's just for the camera. Nobody watches the show anymore, except these old ladies who just really are into Harry Potter erotica and and grave robbing.

[61:17] Okay, that's fair enough. Alright, let's go to the next one. What okay, hello, sir. Um, here on Antiques Roads Show. We pride ourselves on being able to tell you the exact price for your item.

[61:27] What's the one? It's just weeping in front of you. He's like what seems to be the issue today?

[61:33] Oh, you know.

[61:34] Pull up my project once, you know, shame on me, but pulled up my project twice and still a shame on me. Well, what happened exactly? What did you bring in?

[61:45] No, I'm getting tired of getting roped into these people's personal drama. Sir, you brought in an I item to Antiques Roadshow so I can appraise it.

[61:53] It's a blueprint.

[61:54] Oh, oh, okay.

[61:56] Is it uh the old blueprint, a new blueprint, a blueprint of something special? Do you know how long it takes to build a space station that can also move and blow up planets? Ooh, now this is something to get worked up about. Uh, space stations are all the rage right now, especially uh a blueprint. Is it framed and signed or anything like that? I can sign it right here. I I am the creator of this. Whoa, sir, you created this space station? Uh and they just like confidently unrolls it and then it's like it's the blueprints of the Death Star. Son of a [expletive].

[62:29] Yeah, there's only one of these in uh one in existence because the rebels kept stealing all the other ones. So uh yeah, uh, you know, uh, you know, the first time it happened, you know, they blew it up and I was like, wow, this is 17 years of my life. Um but you know, I went, I saw a therapist, and it got better. You know, he said, what could happen? You know, that that was a fluke. Uh just a crazy accident. There's no way they could destroy a second S Star. And they did. They did. Pretty much the exact same way as the first time. I look at it, look at it.

[63:08] I can see it. I I know that you're you're seeing therapy, and I know this is hard for you, but this blueprint is worth nothing.

[63:15] It's worth everything to me. It blows up so easy. No, no, no, no. We're gonna go through look. If you look really closely at Razor, you can see that nowhere were the did we ever install handrails. Not once. Not once did we put handrails anywhere. That's like a terrible thing. You just don't find that on space stations these days.

[63:34] You just don't find it. I know because safety is kind of a big deal. And see this, this is the 17th floor. Do you know what happens if you go to any room on the 17th floor? What could happen? Literally just jettison in the space. Just jet- I don't even know why. Like, there's no purpose of the 17th floor except to jettison people in space.

[63:49] Okay, okay, okay. You it's a very nice blueprint.

[63:52] It looks like you spent a lot of time on it, but it's just not the right fit for anti-cost. Oh, it's not the right fit. No. Oh no. It looks it's this thing is womp rat six another womp rat-sized laser beam directly down the center shaft at a 90-degree angle into the core reactor. That fit? That fit real good. Yeah, I heard that story. It would have been like a some magical force that drove that thing into there to destroy it.

[64:16] Doesn't even make sense. How did they even turn the shields off? How how doesn't it? You would need like wizard-like acrobatic magic to even navigate this space station.

[64:26] Yeah, but that still doesn't help here on Antiques Roadshow.

[64:29] The show you are currently Do you want it or not? Here, I sign it. Okay, it's worth five bucks. Best I can do, right? Yeah, five dollars. Yeah, because nobody wants that.

[64:38] Hey, uh hey guys, uh, can I buy my career back for five dollars? No, no, ha ha ha ha ha no, I can't.

[64:43] I'm gonna need more than that. Well, it's a complete failure. Like, nobody I'm gonna hold up a blaster and be like, listen. Whoa, man. Whoa, don't you have a lot of options here? I don't have a lot. Tell me it's worth more.

[64:53] Okay, it's worth more. It's worth so much more. It's worth everything I have in my wallet. How about that? How much? How much do you have? Let me check my wallet.

[65:00] I spruit of God. Circumfund!

[65:02] Circumfund Security, get him! You know what? I'll finish it myself. And he like puts he like puts it in his head and just blow like blasts.

[65:11] Oh my god. Well, that is the most exciting thing that happened to me all week on Antiques Roadshow. I'm not even that upset about it. Let's go to the next. Hello everyone at home. Sorry for this. We're gonna go to the next item. We'll have a couple more before our first commercial break. So up next here, um, sir, welcome to Antiques Roadshow. What do you have here? Mm-hmm.

[65:34] What could I get for a licorice whip? It hit my friends repeatedly in the deck.

[65:40] Oh, I see here. Let me investigate. This is a whip, in fact, made of licorice. It has chunks of orange flesh still connected to it. Little pieces of green hair, is it? What are you, sir? I've seen a lot come and go here at the Antiques Roadshow, but what are you? I don't think I've ever seen anything like you.

[66:00] I've an Oompa Loomba. I escaped from Willy Wonka's factory shortly after that entire fiasco went down at the facility and Osho stepped in.

[66:08] Yes, when all the children were hurt and that one girl was blown up like a blueberry and then they had to crush her.

[66:14] It was all over the news. Yeah, I crawled out through the the the sewage system in the Chocolate River. Wow. Okay, and then you this actually could be worth something. Is it actually Willie Wonka's whip? Oh yes.

[66:28] He beat my friends in an inch of their life.

[66:31] Sometimes he even took out a knife. Wow. Okay.

[66:35] It's losing value the more you talk. So this belonged to a famed candymaker who is now deemed crazy and living in a mental ward in some kind of hospital right now, Willie Wonka.

[66:48] Is that correct? Yep. And he'll get out. He always does. Hee hee!

[66:52] Yeah, I read a book where he got out and then he actually changed his name and then built a train and then launched a rocket into the air that caused an internal ice age, and then his train just went round and round and round. I've heard that story. It's not a story. Well, very well. The best I can do for your licorice whip. Um let me let me crunch some numbers here. Is about $5,000, I think. Because we're still there's still some crazy fans out there, I think, who would want to buy us. But believe in the chunks of your friends like connected to that licorice whip.

[67:28] Witness protection regretted uh rejected my request. I need more money is my behest.

[67:35] Well, I'm sorry, but that's just not gonna happen. Here at Antiques Road Show, we really don't deal in this kind of [expletive]. Bull, I'm like looking over at the producer.

[67:44] Like this is jumps up and grabs your like your shirt and pulls and goes like, listen, kid. You think you think we all it's all fun and games?

[67:52] No.

[67:53] Oh my god.

[67:53] I've been beaten into an inch in my life.

[67:55] Okay, what do you need? And I'll praise it for that. What do you need it for?

[67:57] I need to get the f out of here. Willie, he's not he's not in prison. That's just a look of like. Do you know how many people look like Willie? He has clones. The candy, the candy pods, they were all clones. We weren't making everlasting gapstoppers, we were making everlasting Willys.

[68:10] Oh my god. Have you thought about writing a book about this?

[68:12] No.

[68:13] Here, um, here's a typewriter, and let's walk into this little room over here.

[68:17] You can write a book in there. A typewriter, that'll take me forever. Let's smack him in a minute.

[68:22] Oh my god.

[68:23] Okay. Alright, we're done with the last one. I cannot breathe.

[68:27] I'm running out of air, you're gonna die here at the Antiques Roadshow, just like me, okay? Somebody can't.

[68:33] No, we're all dying here, slowly but surely. Now, seriously though, there was a theory out there that Willy Wonka turned and made this train for Snowpiercer. Is that real? Yeah, it's a real theory. Yeah, it's a real thing. You gotta watch it, it's awesome.

[68:48] Is it based on anything? Or are you like he goes, they do anything about who I don't remember Snowpiercer as well anymore? Did they say like who caused the whole Snowpiercer thing? Was it suggested or I think it was suggested that it was him that he sent the rocket off or whatever, and then he made the train. Yeah, but there's a whole thing about it. There's a video out there, watch it, it's awesome. It tells you that Willy Wonka is actually a Snowpiercer guy. Because it's like the WW or whatever.

[69:13] It's awesome. I love it. Okay, okay. Last thing on the item here at Antiques Roadshow. Um, you sir, what do you have?

[69:22] Ugh, yeah.

[69:23] Listen, uh, this is a first edition book uh from somebody I knew on Tatooine.

[69:29] Uh, very well. Uh the book from outer space from a different planet. That is very good. It is signed. It is first edition. Um oh my god, what is the title of your book, sir?

[69:40] Uh yeah, this is a first edition copy of Uncle Owen's Guide to Moisture Farming. And uh it's signed by Uncle Owen.

[69:47] Who is now deceased. But you understand that the problem with this book, sir, is that nobody else is going to need to know how to moisture farm unless they're on [expletive] Tatooine.

[69:59] Then sell on Tatooine. I don't care. I just need some money, dude. You know, not a lot of money in moisture farming. I don't know if you know this.

[70:05] Okay, so uh Uncle Owen was a half-brother to Dark Lord Vader, and blah blah blah. Um, how much is it worth?

[70:15] Yes, hold on, I'm appraising. Let me calculate. Hmm, carry the two.

[70:20] Did I read you the note inside?

[70:21] No, what does the note inside say, sir?

[70:23] It said, uh Dearest, dearest uh Luke, uh I know one day that I know I missed your spelly last week, and I know that it was kind of not cool that I told you you couldn't get to the Starfleet. You can't. But also, I believe that you should want that dream, and I want it for you too. And this is getting really long for a book inscription, but I hope that tonight, when you get home from finding the droids, that you'll find two parents who love you and really want you to have the best.

[70:58] And if that means pretending that you're gonna be in the Starfleet, then then we'll do it.

[71:03] But but just here here's my life, and I want you to be a part of my life too, and that includes moisture farming. Love Uncle Owen.

[71:10] Was this what and then the date is like the exact date of like whatever day they get [expletive] like murdered by the empire?

[71:19] Oh wow, that is a did that's a note in the book, like a little side note in the cover there.

[71:25] Yeah, it's like a whole page. It's pretty sad.

[71:27] How big is this book on moisture farming?

[71:29] Oh, it's actually not long. There's not a lot to it because it just it's like four pages.

[71:34] Get moisture evaporator, install moisture evaporator, gain benefits. Yeah, repeat. Okay, sir.

[71:42] The best. Oh my god, with that note, that really brings up the value a lot. I'd say uh, what did this book real tail for? Is there on its first edition? Has there only been how many of these books were even made?

[71:54] Uh this it's first edition because he didn't actually publish it. He just wrote it. Like he just wrote it in like paper, and then that's why it's four pages. Lars, uh, uncle on he wasn't. I mean, listen, he never even painted the ceiling in like 16 years. Like no, his his dad, Lars, was still alive when they're there, the little like moon sand den.

[72:14] Right. I heard he really let the place go.

[72:16] Yeah, let it go. He never did anything. Okay, the okay. There's a blue milk stain right there. Okay, yeah. The the the best I can do here for you now is probably about $6.75 on the first edition signed book. Honestly, that's more than I thought.

[72:30] Or actually, what's what's the price of our weird tier?

[72:35] Oh, it's like $12.38.

[72:38] Okay, the best I can do for the book is $12.38. That's an outstanding deal for what you're getting for the content inside this book. You're not gonna get that kind of value anywhere else.

[72:48] Yeah, if if if I go away, will you give me the money? Yes, here, take it. Alright, thank you. Oh my god, can I go home now? Uh yeah, uh, we do. Uh next week we're gonna have uh a few more people. Um yeah, we have uh the Witcher's um underwear and also um a few more surprises. So uh Where's that son of a [expletive]'s blaster? Go home and get refreshed, and we'll be back next week, Jerry. Vernon Hell, Bill! See you next week. All right, well, that was another very interesting moment.

[73:25] Yeah, it's up to the moment, but if you're still listening, uh audience, like we appreciate it. Thank you for sticking with us. Uh sometimes it's great and sometimes sometimes it's roleplay rapids. Right.

[73:35] And then we're working out the kings for Will Play Rapids, alright? Not everything can be Kool-Aid guy, like I said. Or DD Deathmatch. So deal with it, okay? It's just a dollar.

[73:44] Um how dare you dare you! Uh listen, so go ahead. If you're listening to our podcast on whatever channel, go ahead and rate us. Give us give us five stars, give us no just five stars. I don't want less than that. Give us five stars, leave us a review if your channel lets you do that, and then go to our social media, um, Instagram.com slash networkents, any channel slash networkents, go to our website, networkesents.com, and of course, check out that Patreon. It's only a dollar. It's just a dollar. It's just a dollar. How many times do I have to say that? It's just a dollar. We're getting desperate. And leave some comments, please. And you too can be immortalized like ME68 53 278. You too can be a part of our horrible role play.

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