Nate Versus Nate | '90s Movie Pitches
Edited audio transcript

Edited from an automatic transcription of the original recording. Strong language is masked; selected personal asides and adult material are marked [Editorial omission.]. Transcription errors may remain, especially in names and lyrics. Timestamps come from the source; paragraphs split for readability can share a timestamp. The original recording contains adult language and themes. Announcements and offers reflect the recording date.
Source: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2187585/episodes/9468669-nate-versus-nate-90s-movie-pitches.mp3

[0:00] You're about to listen to the first experimental season of our show, formerly called Nat One Presents the Podcast. For better audio quality and our current ongoing DD campaign, skip ahead to season two featuring the Daft Monks.

[0:14] On this episode of Nat One Presents They got called everyone. They've been called gay by their parents before. I remember I had this thing for a little bit where I'd walk and my hips would move for some reason.

[0:26] I don't know why. And my dad was like, you need to cut that [expletive] off. And I I didn't even know what I was doing wrong, you know.

[0:34] Adventure. Heartwarming stories. Role playing that could only be seen by the gods. Here at Nat One Presents, you get all that and more. Now join us as we start another epic tale of con.

[0:50] Just kidding. This is Nat One Presents, a tabletop role-playing game podcast that takes your favorite nerdy games and pop culture icons and ruins them with improv.

[1:01] Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents, the podcast. Hey guys.

[1:06] Hey nate.

[1:07] Hey, hey, hey. What's uh what's been going on? What's new? It's a new day.

[1:11] Uh well, aside from my house almost blowing down last night, um, and also I now have like a neighborhood cat who comes and sits at my window and freaks the [expletive] out of my other cats. He's assaulting Ben? Uh every day, five, like five to six, he comes and just like bullies my cats. And by bully, I mean I think he's coming to say hi, and my cats just lose their [expletive] mind. But it's like a thing now. Like, I might use that as like a motivation to go exercise because like nothing wakes me up in the morning except my [expletive] cats sounding like they're being strangled. Right. So I feel really passionate about that, and that's what's going on with me.

[1:41] Like while I'm already up, I might as well do something productive.

[1:43] It's crazy. It takes a lot to get me out of bed. I mean, like Chris used to be my roommate, like I'm a piece of [expletive]. So like a bear hibernating. Yeah. What are we talking about?

[1:54] Uh, what's what's new with Nat One presents the podcast?

[1:59] Um, we're back to uploading stuff on time. Thank you for your patience. You're welcome. Uh, if you guys are part of the Patreon, um, and we got some good stuff coming your way. Um, and then I'll just keep mentioning one day we're gonna stream. Someday, I promise. We're we're just the schedules are trying to align, uh, but we got thoughts, we got games, we got setups, so we shall see. Be ready. Also, uh, we do have a new uh Patreon person, right? We have a new patron, that's right. And it's uh sus. I'm pissed. Listen, I'm pissed. All right, I know we asked for them every single day, and yeah, maybe I suggested someone anonymously sign up as Nightbot, but someone [expletive] did it.

[1:59] Someone signed up as Nightbot for the $1, and I don't know who it is.

[2:45] Suspicious.

[2:45] I was hoping the person would be dumb enough to like use their actual email. Like it's Nightbot, but then it's like Nate Stad at whatever.com or whatever, but nope, the this person. So here's what I've discovered. All right, so I dug into a little bit.

[2:57] Let's break this down because we need to know who is Nightbot who is what they want, where they come from. Yes, exactly.

[3:02] We're this is gonna keep us up all night, and I hate this stuff. This stuff drives me crazy. So I take a look and we do get your email address. Fun fact. So, but you go you're smart, you use the anonymous feature on Apple. So you're using the Apple relay, which just is like an anonymous set of numbers, and then at Apple relay dot whatever. So I know you have an Apple phone, you son of a [expletive]. Um, now that says a lot because one, most of our friends and family are actually on like Samsung or Android, so that rules all of them out. So I know you have a [expletive] iPhone, and that's probably means you're one of my friends. Expose yourself to Nightbot. Secondly, you're probably not old. Probably not, probably not.

[3:02] So didn't come from a jitterbug. Didn't come. That's uh yeah, so and then third, you knew how to use Patreon. Yeah, so you're definitely not a jitterbug. Yeah, so I have a couple people in mind. Um, one person vehemently refuses it. I don't know if I believe them. I don't believe you, Zach. I think it might be you. Yeah, you could be nightbot. Could be. I also have been trying to get Nick to sign the Patreon. Um, so maybe uh Nick Beatrice, maybe uh maybe it's you. I don't know. Uh broke him down and transformed him into Nightbot. The only way to prove you're not Nightbot is to sign up when your actual name another one dies.

[4:26] And then it jumps on you.

[4:27] Then I'll never suspect you, I promise. Yeah. Right now, if you are Nightbot, the best bet is to sign up with your real name somewhere else, and then I'll not know. Um but then if he does it after this episode, that's even more suspicious. Oh [expletive]. Man, we're gonna have to make a special tier or something for this. Uh no, honestly, or whatever. Thank you for becoming a patron, whoever the [expletive] you are. And if you are actually a sentient uh AI, uh then hats off to you. And thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. See if you can get some of your friends to join too. Your pop friends.

[5:00] Yeah, when the robot overlords come and take over. Now one percents will be okay. Nobody worry about that.

[5:07] Uh so let's see. In other news, well, if you were part of the Patreon, you would see in this recording, the video recording, that Nate cut his hair. Uh yeah. Uh so yeah, I if you've just been listening, Nate had been trying to grow out a mullet. Yes. Tell us more about that.

[5:23] So the idea was we talked about it before, is gonna be like my cyberpunk characters mullet fade mohawk thing kind of deal. But every time I go to the barber, apparently I just don't describe it in the way that I see it in my head.

[5:37] So they give me something else, and you've seen it in the episodes. It looked like [expletive]. And I really want to stick with it and be like, maybe we can turn this into something. But the last time we're at the barber, yeah, I was like, he's like, What do you want? And I looked at him for a second and I was like, [expletive] it. Let's go back to the usual thing. [expletive] he's like, Thank god, I can only do one thing. Like I can fade the side, so I'm like, that's all I need you to do.

[6:01] So that's why I am at where I'm at. And it was an experiment and it didn't pan out. The the greatest minds in the world try experiments that don't pan out.

[6:11] Yeah, tried cutting your hair. Yeah, it didn't work. It's one of those, right? Like, sounds good, but you know, it's basically my tattoo, right? Like, I had this like really cool design in my head, but if nobody can execute it, right? And I I know it could work, I know you could have a rock and mull it, but someone's got to cut it and it's not gonna be your wife or baby or great plan, great plan execution [expletive]. Yeah, it was bad. Yeah, and it was another one of those moments too where I'm like, I do not like your haircut, Nate, but I'm not gonna tell you that. Like, as your friend, I'm gonna support you and just let you wear a [expletive] haircut around like I'm stupid.

[6:44] Because I call you out every day I walk into your house.

[6:46] One day Nate had mismatched socks, the other I thought his fingernails were a little too long. I literally have my hands crawled right now, so you won't [expletive] look at me.

[6:55] I'm like, what's you got wrong with Cliff?

[6:57] It's a one-way thing here. I gotta help him out.

[6:59] That's how I help.

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:01] Well, so mullet that puts us in uh the 80s, 90s category.

[7:06] We want to kind of like celebrate posthumorously your attempt at a mullet. Yeah, so yeah.

[7:11] That's why I think something a little special today.

[7:13] We're gonna do uh our movies, movie guesses, movie quotes, movie quiz.

[7:17] But it's gonna be in the 90s. The 90s, yeah. Uh probably gonna add a movie. I'm gonna do another like sound clip like I did last time, but I'm not gonna do it in video because that got weird. So this time I'm just gonna edit it in later. But in your head, imagine that. Like, I don't know what the 90s like definitely for 80s it was like synthpop, like but uh in this, I don't know. So we'll figure it out. There's real grungy.

[7:40] Yeah, ooh, yeah, it could be flannel. Yeah, lots of flannel.

[7:44] All right, all right. Yeah, so uh if you did not listen to the 80s episode, shame on you, go back and watch that. It I would borderline, I'm just gonna go right off the bat and say that's probably gonna be a better episode than this one because 80s movies were ridiculous. Yeah, the prompts, like as I would read those prompts, I'm like, these aren't real. 90s movies, I think, are also ridiculous, but they like rein it back in a little bit. Yeah. Uh so we'll see how this goes today. But yeah, what we do is we we just kind of like pick the the rule kind of was supposed to be, uh, I don't think we told Chris this, but it is supposed to be a movie you've seen, uh, like hopefully.

[7:44] So you can't just pick any movie off the internet, but movie you've seen, write a description, you like emphasize the like like true plot points, but like kind of exaggerate the ridiculous ones and and be a little vague about it. And let's see if we can guess that. We can name that movie.

[8:34] Yep.

[8:34] Um, so that's the premise. Uh and I think without further ado, we could we could dive right in, eh? Intro music sparkles. Who's gonna start? I can start off first. Okay. Here we go. Wait, let me get situated. All right, here we go.

[8:52] In this family-friendly action/slash coming of age story, three brothers who are raised by their mother. I don't remember a dad in the picture. As I'm going through in my head, I do not remember a dad.

[9:06] So I know there's a mom and a grandpa for sure.

[9:08] But they see the grandpa every summer to train in the art of ninja.

[9:14] Um, there are some bullies in the show. There's a love interest named Emily. They have a cool can phone with a string connected from house to house. I remember that in my head for uh some big part of the movie. I always thought that was super cool. Um, blah, blah, blah. Ooh, and then the final battle. Wait, there's a home a home invasion, which is critical point to the movie. And then also the final battle is on a ship for some reason. Now, that's everything you can ask for in a 90s movie. After defeating three stoner guys using some kind of ninja skills and a diuretic, the mini boss comes into the picture to easily defeat the children who are in fact children. A grown man easily thwarted some children. Who would have thought?

[9:56] Now, they're taken to the ship where the grandpa, aka a ninja, must sneak onto the ship and he defeats all the bad guys. And it turns out that the main bad guy was actually one of his like pupils growing up. And blah, blah, blah, action scenes. Uh the kids get involved in the fight, they remember their training from grandpa.

[10:15] I remember a dummy with the eyes lighting up, and bada bing bada boom. Oh, yeah, the dad is real, and he comes to arrest all the bad guys. It turns out he's part of the FBI.

[10:24] Alright, that's the end. Nate. Are masks heavily involved in this movie? Yes! Um, I vividly remember the movie, but the name, I want to say it's something real basic, just like three ninjas or something.

[10:38] Is it three ninjas?

[10:39] It's something so soon. Chris, did you so Chris? You were thinking about it. Did it ring any bells? I could see it in your face. There were a few things that were just like, I know exactly what this is, but I have no idea what the name is. I vaguely remember. I think there's a sequel, too, right? I think three of them. Okay. And one of them has Hulk Hogan in it for some reason, I think. Because it was like the 80s and 90s, right? That was that that person that carried into the next one. Hulk Hogan's going in [expletive] everything. Gremlin's too.

[11:03] [expletive] name.

[11:03] Hulk Hogan's in it. Now I will give you bonus points, Nate, because we're obviously keeping track of points. If you can tell me their names, their ninja names. No, absolutely. Nothing. I the masks are really colorful. I remember that. There's like a blue one. Yep. There's like a yellow one.

[11:17] Yep.

[11:17] And then I'm just gonna guess primary colors. Let's go with red.

[11:20] Green.

[11:20] [expletive]. So green was Rocky, he was the oldest.

[11:25] Blue was Colt, the middle child. And then the last one was the yellow and orange-ish one, and that was Tumtum.

[11:32] Tumtum. That sounds familiar. That sounds fair. I remember liking these movies.

[11:36] Oh, yeah. And my favorite line out of it was when they're making fun of their older brother. And I I still sing it at work sometimes. I'm like, Rocky loves Emily. Rocky loves. I don't know why, but that stuck with me.

[11:49] That's what stuck. You know, I think I remember this one mostly because they have uh like follow-up to this one where they're all adults.

[11:57] Do they? Yeah, I think so.

[11:59] It's like some it's like somewhat recent. That sounds bad. I kind of want to see it. It also sounds like uh like one of the Rick and Morty like commercial, like three ninjas with masks, but they're kids, and the mini boss is an adult who beats up the three ninjas. And sombrero here in the spaceship shooting burritos.

[12:18] Exactly, exactly.

[12:19] Alright, that was a good one. That was a good one. You guys nailed it. You knew it. Alright. Uh, I'm gonna say I'm up next. I think this is kind of in the same vein here. Um in this 1997 kind of martial arts fantasy or possible hallucination from my childhood, a boy with a disability gets flushed down the sewer after succumbing to peer pressure. He awakens in a magic realm which dwarfs in marsupial warriors, representing impressive spiritual elements like wood and stuff. They can't actually use any magic though. Anyway, everyone betrays each other and they need some scroll in the human kid's backpack.

[12:19] The animatronic marsupials fight the bad guy, and the movie ends by returning uh the boy to Earth, uh, where he relives the sewer scene, this time not succumbing to peer pressure, and instead leaving his teammates to die in the sewer when a pipe bursts, I guess. Name that movie.

[13:08] I know the movie. I do not remember the name of it for the life of me. We just talked about it like a month ago.

[13:13] Yeah, I did. The action figures. Chris, do you know? Marsupial Warriors. They're kangaroos. Kangaroo ninjas. Yeah, they are. I have no idea.

[13:24] A later iteration of the movies, they like turn in back into real humans.

[13:28] They did they did one direct a sequel where they're humans. I don't know anything about it. I didn't watch it. Um What is the name of this movie? Guys, you give up? Yeah, there's nothing. I I know the movie, I know I've seen it.

[13:39] I remember the mystical like kangaroos doing the uh crouching tiger hidden dragon walks through the air and [expletive], but I do not remember the name.

[13:47] Warriors of Virtue. [expletive]. So fun, fun just random fact about it. One uh 18% on Rotten Tomatoes, uh critically, critically acclaimed as like a huge failure. Not critically acclaimed in a good way, like in a bad way. Right. And then I I read in the Wikipedia. One critic had such a bad reaction, he actually threw up in the theaters. It's in Wikipedia, it has to be true. It has to uh yeah, fun fact. Uh, I remember watching as a kid, so I think I got the action figures. The mer like the action figures were like by far the best thing that came out of this movie.

[13:47] And I had the kangaroo guys, and like the kangaroo action, I had a lot of action figures, and anyway, I think it was like the green one who might have been the wood guy. Uh, he was like the leader of all my action figures. Like, for some reason, I [expletive] chose that kangaroo guy ninja to be the leader of the action, whatever. But uh yeah, saw the movie not good. Um, it's one of those, like it was kind of like created in like it was like a collaboration between like China, Canada, and United States, which is just like those weird ones. Yeah, um, and not great. Right? Not great.

[14:50] They're like uh Chinese want like kung fu in it. Okay, check. Uh Canada uh wants a story of a boy, check. Americans.

[14:58] You know what's cool? Kangaroos.

[15:00] Yeah, put some [expletive] kangaroos in. Yeah, we dig it, we just need them to be animatronic, animatronic Marshu fields. That'd be great. Put it in there, put it in there. Done.

[15:09] Dang it. I knew the movie.

[15:12] Yeah, you should have got this one. I literally a month ago was like, hey Nate, do you remember this? And I just sent him a screenshot. You should have known. I know, I should have. I dang it. Take my text more seriously. We just talked about it.

[15:22] I text you back and everything. I even looked up the action figures.

[15:25] I'm like, this is so [expletive] stupid. I have never heard of this movie at all. All right. You've never seen it? Nope. Oh man. You should keep it that way. Yeah, you're not missing out. I think a lot of I don't know. I mean, this is probably still true today, but merchandise really can like drive as a child. Like getting an action figure before the movie comes out often creates a lot of hype for that film. And that was definitely the case for me. Like, I had action figures always before I went to go see the movie.

[15:52] And they talk about that in that uh that toy documentary, I think it's on Netflix right now, right? It wasn't it He-Man where they had the action figures out first, or was that huge?

[15:59] He-Man was huge. Yep. Um, and that really pushed the cartoon. Yeah, I don't remember that one, and then like Star Wars is as big as it is because also of the merchandise as another one. So um Chris, you're up. Here we go. So I've seen most of these, not all of them. I think there's two or three of them that I haven't seen. But I know of them, and I know the plot points, at the very least. Uh but I'll start with an easier one. So in the future, the ship is destroyed on its way back home by an evil force. After Cypher Ship is attacked, the government decides to form a bit of necromancy in New York. Um from this point, the zombie and an ex-military man go on a quest for some rocks.

[15:59] This is the easy one? Yep. I'm out. Fifth element. Correct. Oh. Wow. That's a good vague description. Yeah, I've seen Fifth Element. I never thought of the chick as a zombie, but I guess that makes sense.

[16:59] Well go ahead.

[17:01] So essentially what it is is that second ship that gets attacked, they recover like a hand and like a metal gauntlet or something like that, and they use that to resurrect the person, which is Lelu, which is the woman in that movie. I need to rewatch Fifth Elementary. That's what I got out of that. This came up in another episode, didn't it? No, but I actually, um, in this action movie, the end of the world is coming, and only one thing can stop it.

[17:28] A couple of rocks. We follow a cab driver who is a military man at some point, and an alien lady catches a ride in his cab and they avoid some cops, hop on a cruise ship to retrieve said rocks. There's some singing, some gunfights, and a radio DJ who brings the fun. We learn a little backstory, and a scary star starts racing towards the earth. The crew of unlikely heroes gets to some temple and put out the stones and solve a puzzle that feels like Chris was DMing. Only one thing's missing love. After some love, they defeat the fiery space boulder and live happily ever after.

[17:58] That was amazing on so many levels.

[18:00] Also, that element.

[18:01] Totally called that you guys would have crossover too. I guarantee my movies won't, but that you guys do. Damn it! All right, all right. All the time I spent writing that out. Well, let's skip you because I just use another one of yours. Yeah, I only make three. Yeah. Um burning through them. I can wing one. Would we say so? Warriors of Virtue, not a good movie, but Fifth Element, right? Yes, good movie. Uh, three ninjas. I would say I haven't watched it recently. Could be a Highlander scenario where it's total [expletive], but I remember loving it. I remember loving it. So that might be a good family movie. So most of the movies we're saying so far we are recommending, but not Warriors of Virtue. No, don't watch that. Okay.

[18:01] Um if you're playing at home. Oh, thanks. Do you guys want an easy or an impossible one? I doubt either way. I'm ready for the impossible. Give me the impossible. Wow. Sure. Alright. Oh. I'm like holding it this way it has the answers on it. Alright. Ready? Oh, I'm ready. I'm boring. Here we go. Yeah. Three drag queens from New York get pulled over while on a road trip to Hollywood. Naturally, the police officer tries to assault the cross dresser, and she knocks him out, and then without hesitation, just presumes him to be dead and leaves. They escape to a rest stop where the car breaks down, and a young man, who probably thinks they're actually women, from a local town, offers to give them a lift.

[18:01] They take refuge at that bed and breakfast, which is owned by a local woman, and yet another abusive man who is beating his wife. Naturally, these three gay heroines do what gay men do best. They help run a social event called the Strawberry Festival and give all the women makeovers, while simultaneously teaching all the bigots of the town to be more open-minded. This would be a great place to end the movie, but instead, the queens intervene with family affairs as the bed and breakfast owner beats his wife, and they do the right thing by beating him up as well. He runs away and meets the sheriff from the beginning of the movie who is also beaten up, and now they're after the vigilante cross-dressers.

[18:01] They return to the Strawberry Festival to arrest the drag queens, but in a Spartacus kind of moment, uh the entire town, who just now realized the truth the three women are actually men, actually that are 100% dudes, uh, decides that they are all gonna say they're drag queens and run those evil cis white male pigs out of town. Name that movie. Any idea, Chris? There's no [expletive] way you guys are gonna get those ever. Now Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo. No [expletive] way.

[20:22] Play the drag queens. And it is That's a win in my book.

[20:26] The road to something woo, I think. Uh that that's a win in my book. Okay. If you can name the three main actors and one of the words, it's Too Wang Fu, thanks for everything.

[20:38] God dang it, too Wang Fu.

[20:40] It's a totally random title because they have this like celebrity woman who like signed an autograph and they can't make out who she signed it to, and they're like, we think it's Tu Wang Fu. Oh, okay, that was. And and yeah, that's it. So like the name is like almost totally irrelevant. Oh, I've totally seen it. I cannot believe you've seen that. You're welcome. Wow. Boom. Man of surprises. Stupid Warriors of Virtue is totally [expletive] up my score. How have you seen Tu Wang Fu, but not Warriors of Virtue? I I have seen them both. I just only remembered. That's right. Well, I couldn't even. Well that's fine. Tu Wang Fu is actually still kind of a good movie, and Warriors of Virtue is. But yeah, I totally remember that. How old were we?

[20:40] And I'm like, that's not a lady. Yeah.

[21:21] What's really going on here?

[21:22] That's my favorite. I like how the whole movie, everybody like is totally tricked. Like, look at the Adams apple. Like good lord.

[21:30] Um that was the defining characteristic. They're like, look at that.

[21:34] I didn't know about this movie for like a long time. Like, as a gay guy, I should have known about this. I probably didn't like I didn't see this in the 90s. I saw this in like the two 2010s. Like, I had no clue. And like Patrick Soisi, that's crazy. Right? Snipes. Yeah.

[21:48] That's Dong Lug was almost at the time. Huge names for this movie.

[21:52] So pretty, pretty epic. Uh, it's it's pretty funny. I yeah, I'd recommend it. Um, I don't know what it hasn't rotten tomatoes. We should have checked Rotten Tomatoes for all of these. I know next time we'll be. More prepared. Sorry. No, we won't. Don't make promises. We will not keep. We still are gonna do doubles though, because I think between the three of us, there's too much in common. Someone's gonna get a copy of another movie at one point, so deal with it. We'll see. That's why I prepared significantly more than we were supposed to. And yet your first one was the double. It was one of the easy ones. True, sure. Okay, you're out, Chris. This is your moment. Here we go. I'll do a more difficult one.

[21:52] I mean, I got to want food. Nate literally just watches movies. That's like I think all he does. Alright. Man wants to have a good job, but it's against the law. So he seeks help from an ex-swimmer to try to get into an expedition to space. Man wants a job. But it's illegal. It's against the law. So he talks with a swimmer who gets him into space. Helps him get into space. Helps him get into space. Or helps him get on an expedition to space. Okay. No. No.

[23:05] Damn it.

[23:06] Just for the sake of not burning up airtime with me thinking about it, I'm gonna say I don't know. Are you sure? I really it's tough because I we give like a whole like synopsis and you're giving us like two sentences, but yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I was writing this literally just a couple hours ago. So I wanted to go to bed. That's fair. Uh no, I don't know. So this one I watched in school, and it's Gattaca. Which I think stars Ethan Hawk and Judah Law. Ethan Hawk being the uh main character, Judah being the uh swimmer. I don't think I've seen it either. It's like so like Attica with the G? Gattaca. Yeah. Gattaca. I've seen the title before, I've never seen the movie. Okay.

[23:06] It's essentially uh in the future, like genetics are like solved, and they can like decide who like they can put all the positive traits being, or they can manipulate children before they're born to have a bunch of positive traits. Those come up as valid. People that are like naturally born are invalids. If you're invalid, you can only get like menial jobs and stuff like that. So the main character wants to like surpass his brother who was like altered and he wasn't, uh, but not allowed. It's against the law for invalids to like do any kind of road job. Oh no.

[23:06] So the swimmer was a guy with Jude Law who thought that he was going to be the very best that he could be, but he won silver medal and he ended up throwing himself in front of a bus. And he gets he cripples himself and he can't do anything. So what the whole um movie is based around is Ethan Hawk, the main character, using his DNA, his blood, his hair, and stuff like that in order to fool this fool the uh space company or whatever it is, uh, into thinking like he is a valid person and he can go into this job, essentially.

[23:06] I really relate to Jude Law's character because that's what I tend to do in most situations of just like not get what I want because owner has expectations, and then just literally like push myself into like oncoming traffic or like bad. So yeah, it's a mood. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, uh that sounds a good movie, right? I think so. I might watch it. I watched this in school, which is why I thought other people would have seen it.

[25:33] What did you go to school?

[25:35] Yeah, what school hard knocks what class was it? I think it was for biology class. Yeah, I could see that.

[25:40] Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Something like that.

[25:42] That [expletive] teacher wanted a day off that day. She's like, [expletive] it, we're gonna watch gavka. And I love gavka, so we'll watch it. I will have to prepare a lesson plan and we're gonna watch my favorite movie. DNA. It's science. Watch it. Watch it. All right, Nate. I think you're out. Okay, let me see here. Hopefully, nobody's got this one.

[26:06] One of my faves. In this family-friendly movie, a new kid moves the town. He has a hard time making friends, so in order to seal the deal, he resorts to theft. Stealing something always leads to a rock solid foundation of friendship. After some preteen shenanigans, the stolen item, gets devoured by some demonic animal. The group of boys must band together to get it back, because it turns out stealing is wrong. One boy has a dream where a professional athlete tells him to slay the demon the only way he knows how running.

[26:36] So after he buys some sweet new shoes, he defeats the creature and they all become friends. Also, at one point there's a fake drowning that leads to a sexual assault that turns out that these two characters fall in love with each other. Name that movie. What? What did you get all that? Uh uh family-friendly movie, new kid moves to town. Yeah, check. Okay, hard time making friends, check, uh, stole something, uh, stolen item gets devoured by a demonic animal.

[27:05] Uh group of friends, uh take back the item or try to. Uh the hero, not the main character, but the hero of the story, uh, slays the demon by running away.

[27:18] And also at one point there's a fake drowning that leads to a sexual assault. Turns into these two characters falling in love. Nothing? I got nothing, Chris. Yeah, it sounded very generic until you threw in that demonic animal, and then it was like, what the [expletive] is this?

[27:33] The name of the movie is The Sandlot.

[27:38] What? Think about it. The Sandlot. What's the demonic animal? The dog that eats the ball.

[27:46] You threw me off, man.

[27:48] I'm sorry, but had the animatronic dog in that movie, when he first eats the ball, it's [expletive] ridiculous. Its head is the size of a Volkswagen beetle and it comes out.

[27:59] It all checks, it all checks. Okay, sorry. Okay. And uh of course uh with your love of horror, when you said like demonic animal, I was really thinking, like, all right, it's gotta be like an actual not Cujo or anything. And then, of course, my favorite part was when Squints at the pool uh pretends to drown so that Wendy Peppercorn can give him mouth to mouth, and then he proceeds by making out with her. And after that assault, she gives him a wink. Do you know how many Me Too movements that would start today? Good lord.

[28:30] She's like, I know what you did there, and I like it.

[28:33] That's classic name. Like it all checked, it all clicks into place once you say it. But no, it didn't occur to me.

[28:39] If you guys got it at home, leave a comment and let me know because it was a soundlock.

[28:43–29:44] [Editorial omission.]

[29:44] Edward Scissor Hands, correct.

[29:46] Right. Right. Boom. [expletive] tough acting to knack in on that. We're gonna work on your catchphrases after the show when we go out there.

[29:59] And you called out every single [expletive] one. No, it doesn't sound like that. No, that's wrong.

[30:04] I was channeling your son. Like, I feel like that's exactly something you'd say.

[30:08] It is too. He's like, that's wrong. I'm like, [expletive], you're calling me out on every single one. I'm sorry, I'm trying to come up with all this [expletive] off the top of my head, and you're right there on me, like a hawk.

[30:17] I know it's not fair. I literally don't even prepare anything that I say here and like critique your phrase. Like, that's dumb. Man, yeah. Oh, these are hard because yep, 100% accurate. I think I'm used to like. No, I don't know. I don't know. All right, here we go. I got I got one more for you guys. In this film about the worst genie ever, a bullied adolescent finds a genie in a boombox because, sure, the genie proceeds to do not very genie-like things, like diffuse a child's uncomfortable oversharing of personal problems by rapping. There's a weird amount of distinction between a genie and a gin, and eventually a nightclub owner tries to take control of the genie and the genie gets a record deal.

[30:17] Oh, and I think the little boy or his father gets pushed down an elevator shaft and literally dies. The genie evolves into a gin and fixes everything he was too selfish to fix the first time around, and the undead members of the boy's family live happily ever after, but not by choice because it was actually oppressive magic. Um, name the movie. Do you want to take a crack at it? So I think I know what it is, but I don't know the name of it. But is this the Shaquille O'Neal? Shaquille O'Neal. The name of the movie is Shazam.

[31:24] Is it Shazam?

[31:25] Incorrect.

[31:26] What?

[31:27] It's Kazam. Kazam. Shazam's the other one.

[31:32] Shazam's the new one that just came out. It's Kazam.

[31:35] Yeah, Shaquille O'Neal. Shuckles. Um funny story. Uh they did a movie night at my old job uh when Shazam came out. They like did like a drive-in or whatever, and they were trying to encourage people to come, and people were all like declining, and they had to send an email that's like, this is not the movie with Shaquille O'Neal. This is Shazam, the new Marvel movie. And then a bunch of people signed up, but I had to send an all email explaining the difference.

[32:01] Um, I remember watching that movie.

[32:05] I don't remember uh Shaquille O'Neal's character being so selfish, reading through it, like he's not a very good person. He's just like, no, I can't do that.

[32:14] I thought I just remember him as incompetent.

[32:16] Like he would try to do a wish, but because the way you word it, like when the melted candy fell from the sky or whatever. Like I yeah, I thought he was just an idiot. I didn't know he's selfish. It also ends with like he has like a girlfriend and she's like, Why don't you get a job? And he's just like smiling because he's like a free gin now, and it's just like this is weird. Right? I would like a redo of this movie today. I would like a might as well put LeBron James in it. Oh, you might have. Uh all right, Chris. We're here we go. So this is a rapid fire, like two-sentence movie. Because I can make up one, but I'm sure you already have it on your list. I might.

[32:16] Okay. I'll do one of the easy ones. Uh Dumb Adult stands to lose his family fortune and is challenged to see if he can keep it. He has six months to prepare, and in the preparations, he ends up making some interesting friends and finds love. What's the first sentence again? Uh Dumb Adult stands to lose his family fortune. Dumb adult and is challenged to see if he can keep it. Is that that's not Mr. Deeds? Is it no? No. Also, I think Mr. Deeds might not be 90s. It might be 2000. It's all that I was at learning just blasting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[33:32] Man.

[33:33] Again. Again, read it.

[33:35] Yeah, read it one more time.

[33:36] Okay. Dumb adult stands to lose his family fortune and is challenged to see if he can keep it. He has six months to prepare, and in the preparations, he's wrong, wrong Adam Samurai. Yeah, that's what it was. I thought this was what would be easy. I thought you'd get it right away. Yeah, sorry. I love I love Billy Madison too. And okay. That made yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. I went, I focused on the family of fortune. I'm like, deeds? Like I forget. If you would have said the puppy who lost his way. Yeah. I always love that. Yeah, that whole part. And then where the like principal's like, I award you no points, and we're all summer. Yeah. That's man. The early Adam Sandler movies were so much better than anything that's come out.

[33:36] Oh, like the last the Western one that came out. I just stopped watching them. I just stopped. The one where it's like a bunch of parents on vacation, like now, yeah, hard pass. I do like Selma Hayak in that though. But you wouldn't be interested in that. Oh, brown people? No, I know you like that because she's a lady. Alright, that's good. Here's a one-sentence one. Two Boston men decide to take the law into their own hands while avoiding an eccentric detective. Boondock Saints. Correct. Nice. That was a very easy one. One of my faves. Top movie of like all time.

[35:00] And no money patria filia spirit sante. That was in the 90s? Yep.

[35:04] The first one was in the 90s. The second one was much later because the first one super flopped, but was a big cult hit. Yeah, that second one was a little rough. I didn't like it as much. Yeah. Yeah. I've kind of I forgot the second one even existed until you guys just mentioned it, which is probably a sign that it was not.

[35:22] Which I thought for sure you would have liked it because that's a Mexican guy.

[35:27] Sensing a pattern.

[35:30] He just keeps winking at you after everyone.

[35:35] Here's another. Alright, ready. Man adopts a recently orphaned child and teaches her how to use a gun, and she teaches him how to read. I feel like I should know this one.

[35:45] Right. Um, does it have um Padme in it?

[35:50] Yes. Natalie Portman? Yeah.

[35:53] What is the name of that movie?

[35:54] What tell me more? I might know the name if you can tell me more.

[35:57] So, yeah, there's like the little Natalie Portman girl, and I forget the name of the guy, but yeah, remember he has like these two cool circular glasses that he wears, and he's uh an assassin, and he trains her how to be one.

[36:09] And God, what is the name of this movie? So it has two different names depending on there's like a French name or something in it? More or less. Okay. And but we want the American name. I should know. America. I should know this. I feel like I should know it too. Man, this is driving me nuts. Dang it. I don't want to give up. Just sit here and listen. If you're listening to the show, just listen, okay? We're not gonna know them instantly every time. Listen to silence, okay? Or sign up for the patrons so you can watch them squirm around. Yeah. Because man, I feel like I should know this more. No, I don't. I'll be angry. This one gets referenced a lot when talking about movies.

[36:09] Does it have the word assassin in it? It does not. [expletive] sticks. I know you guys know it, so now it's just waiting for you to see if you can come up with a say it again. Say it [expletive] gun. You want me to read it again? Please. The description, please. Thank you. Man adopts a recently orphaned child and teaches her how to use a gun, and she teaches him how to read.

[37:17] God dang it.

[37:18] It's not gonna help you at all with coming up with a name. You already know the movie. I don't know the movie though, but I feel like I should. Yeah. Like tell me more again about the plot points. I can't really because I know the movie. I've only seen it once, but I remember seeing it, and I know exactly what he's talking about. Do you know who the old guy is? I forget his name. But he's uh what else is he in? He's in a lot of stuff. He's in a lot of stuff, but he's almost never the main character. Right. Okay. Golly gee, Wilaker's Batman. Alright, well then more. Tell me more what happens in the movie. We're gonna figure this out.

[37:50] Oh my god.

[37:51] Does that have the word no, not bodyguard? No. No. Now I'm just gonna give up because this is dead air and I know the movie, but I can't [expletive] think of the name of it. I'm gonna hate myself. Go ahead. Alright, so the American name is The Professional. [expletive]! But the full name is Leon the Professional. Right. Which is the main character's name. Yeah. Damn it.

[38:16] You know what? [expletive] it. I'm gonna go off the cuff. I'm gonna do one like Chris and see if you guys can figure it out. Um a guy signs up for the army and kills bugs named the movie.

[38:27] Uh oh, it's that yeah, it's a satire one. Yeah, you can't remember. Starship Troopers. Damn it! No, yeah, apparently only Chris can stump us with really obvious stuff. Um that's the one that has Neil Patrick Harris in it.

[38:42] Yeah.

[38:43] Uh go ahead, give us another one, Chris. I like Starship Troopers. Here's one with a longer description. I think it's two sentences instead of one. Uh man talks to his wife about a party they had just gone to and mentioned he is not jealous of other men looking at her. She responds to by saying she thought about leaving him for a man in the Navy she met once. The man almost joins a sex cult. That's a no for me. Airplane. No. Not even close. I don't have the faintest. Eyes wide shut. Correct. Oh, alright, alright. It's uh Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Yep. It's real [expletive] weird. It's a weird one. It's definitely up there.

[39:35] I remember masks and boobs. There was boobs in there. Mm-hmm. There were. Yeah, there were boobs.

[39:41] That's how I remember stuff, Nate. Um, okay, I don't really fully remember, but I'm just since we're just since we really only have to say like a seven words that are res. Listen, I'm not good at writing things, and I was tired. I also gave you an example that was two sentences, so I guess this was on the book. Oh, so this is your example. I thought he'd maybe expand on a little bit.

[40:02] If you give somebody something, they're gonna be like, I can shorten that a little bit. So the next one. You guys, yeah.

[40:06] Like name the movie. People like me, I always go overboard. You guys know that, and I always do like 10 times the amount asked for. You guys, it's verbatim. All right. Uh two adolescents uh dig up a caveman, and he that's it. That's okay. Okay, fine. You think you know Encino Man? Yeah, there you go. Fraser, Sam Wise Gamge, Polly Shore. I literally said five words.

[40:31] Whatever [expletive] noise he does. Encino man, [expletive] good one. That's a good one. I like it. We just do this. We like [expletive] say five words. Yeah, come up with a movie. Yeah.

[40:41] Um red.

[40:42] Um kid on a bike gets hit by a criminal who gives him a check.

[40:49] Oh, blank check. Yeah! We're pretty good at this. Yeah. All right, what do you got, Chris? I'm terrible at guessing movies. We'll just keep whipping these out.

[41:00] This is the new [expletive] thing. Deal with it.

[41:02] Uh, journalist assigned to write about motorcycles ends up seeing things and causing havoc at a hotel, but he still managed to finish his piece. Journalism and motorcycles, that's a weird combo. That's a weird combo. Yeah. It's a no for me. Not even close. Scary movie?

[41:22] No.

[41:25] Then I probably haven't seen it.

[41:26] Uh Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

[41:29] Uh Johnny Depp.

[41:30] Yep.

[41:31] Okay.

[41:31] I should have seen it. It's got the Depp Depster in it. One of his early ones. Yep. After he tried to not be a child actor anymore.

[41:39] It's one of those things where everybody has a poster of that in their house if they're a stoner. If you're listening right now and you're a stoner, you probably have a fear and loathing poster in your house right now.

[41:47] We all know the one where he's all squiggly and has the glasses and the dube hanging out of his mouth. We've all [expletive] seen. I can vividly imagine. Leave a comment if that's you. Yep. Or like with a picture of the poster. Yeah. Talking about you, Nightbot. Nightbot. Who are you? Um uh dude's sister is taken by witches. Uh. Yeah. If it's a Disney movie, I got you. Don't even bother. Don't even [expletive] waste my time. Dude's sister. Boom. Sequel's coming out this year, supposedly. Is it really? Uh they yeah, for real, they finally I don't know if it'll be this year, but they had all the actors and Disney posted on it.

[41:47] So it is, I know like literally I saw that story every year on social media, but uh last year they did, or earlier this year, they confirmed like they had all three of the actresses.

[42:38] Ooh, I mentioned that. And side note, for the longest time, I thought his name was [expletive] Zachary because I never saw the the tombstone at the end or whatever.

[42:47] And I'm like, man, these people are [expletive] saying it weird, you know. Like maybe it's the old timey way of saying Zachary. Come to find out his name's [expletive] Thackeray. Thackeray. Oh, wow.

[42:56] Thackeray Binks, the cat. Yeah, Thack.

[43:01] Yeah, you can stop saying it. No, it hurts. Say it. It hurts my ears.

[43:05] Thack. Thack.

[43:07] You think he was the cool kid in school? In a little village of like six people? Like, oh, that's Thack. He's so cool.

[43:15] I really want to tap that. What else got Chris? We got Chris. Yeah. Uh brothers rob a bank ended up fleeing and hiding out at a bar, which ends up being more trouble than it's worth. Correct. Oh, yeah. Yep. George Clooney. Quentin Tarantino. Quentin Tarantino. Salma Hayak. She's in it. Yeah, I feel about that. Shaking beer off her toes. I've seen that one. Okay. Yeah. And a lot of terrible CG. But there's boobies in it. It's a good movie. Like it is action-packed. Yeah, it was good. Um, I get bored of Zombie movies, so that was actually kind of like a good one. Uh they're vampires, right? Technically. But like it kind of reminded me. Yeah. Right. And that ending where it showed the back of the bar and like the old Aztec style temple.

[43:15] Like I thought. Where like if you just drove. Over around it, you would see that, but I I thought that was hilarious.

[44:03] Like somebody could be driving off the main road and like go out to take a piss or something be like, whoa, what's that?

[44:07] An ancient Aztec temple over there? Would you look at that? Oh. Oh, a bunch of semis down there. Weird.

[44:17] You got a random one name? No, I don't. You don't? Uh uh no. I've got more. Keep going. Uh man doesn't know how to be close to people and ends up just acting like them. He ends up traveling the world in order to find out who he is. Oh. I've showed you this one before.

[44:39] Robin Williams?

[44:41] No, no, no. Um. I was thinking the AI one. It's like I'm just gonna throw random titles out. It's like Metro Black, or like no, um That's where he's like uh a devil or a demon or something. Okay, he's an angel, I think. Um then it's like I I should know this. I think it's one I'm not gonna be able to name. What is it? I don't know. It's the talented Mr. Ripley. Yeah, that's awesome. Uh Matt Damon. Yeah, it was the main character. Matt Damon. Matt Damon Judlaw again. Ah, that's Judlaw. Yeah, I could imagine it, but I couldn't think of it. Aka Dumbledore Judlaw. One of them.

[45:22] The young hot Dumbledore Judah.

[45:26] You've you guys have seen too, like how like that's like like seven years later he looks like 40 years old or like be like their whole like it's way off. My favorite was the wardrobe thing.

[45:36] They're like, how the [expletive] in 10 years did he go from wearing a three-piece suit to just saying [expletive] it and wearing these [expletive] robes?

[45:44] At what point are you like, eh, I'm done. When you're Dumbledore pretty fast, you've taken half as long as that.

[45:51] As soon as I killed Grindwald, [expletive] bam, I'm over it.

[45:54] I was more upset in that movie about [expletive] uh the uh the philosopher of Stone Creator. Like I'm like, what's he doing there? Like, why is he? Nicholas Flamelio, thank you. Uh and like he would they just made him weird and like I don't know, like I would have thought he'd be a cooler character. Right. He reminded me of uh what was the one in um Princess Bride, those people that live in the thing and heal the main hero. Like a lot like that. Yeah, and I just felt like he didn't need to be in the movie at all. Right. Like they're like, hey, how else can we jam some references in here and make it like just I don't know. They're like Nicholas Flamel, you remember him, right? And he's gonna save the day.

[45:54] Nicholas Flamel. Alright, one more. One more. This is this is the I'll do the very hard one that I have. Jesus Christ. We're gonna be thinking about it. Uh man tries to lead his people to a better future, but ends up having to fight in order to protect his family and his honor. That's like every movie ever. That's uh uh you didn't give me any specific Braveheart. Nope. Not Braveheart. It could be 57. So that's also why I wrote it like this, because I wanted you to guess Braveheart. Oh. Well, so you're all right, so you're on the scene. So I won that. No, because it's not Braveheart. Read it again, even though it's nothing helpful, but it's gotta be a like one of those words.

[45:54] This movie on film was recorded by people with cameras. That's basically what he just said. Man tries to lead his people to a better future, but ends up having to fight in order to protect his family and his honor. Alright, honor. Honor is maybe the only [expletive] unique thing in that whole um here. I'll give you this. The one thing he got right from Braveheart is Scottish. It's an important part of it. Scottish. There's another Scottish movie. It's also a period piece. Braveheart 2. No, the period piece. A period piece. Scottish.

[47:51] Scottish movie, Scott, Scottish, Scotty Star Trek.

[47:55] Nope. Um, nothing's coming to mind for me.

[48:03] Liam is too new. It's definitely not. And that's French.

[48:06] I feel like I could tell you the main character. Yeah, like who the actor is, and you probably still wouldn't get it. Alright, okay. Yeah, who's that? Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson. Jesus Christ. He's been in everything. And it's in the 90s. Liam Neeson is in the world. This was before he was in everything. Right. So this is a different thing. Like this is prior to him being in Star Wars too.

[48:25] He's the main character?

[48:26] Mm-hmm.

[48:28] Shenanigans.

[48:29] I don't know.

[48:31] Give me the first letter of the movie.

[48:33] R.

[48:36] Um. The second letter.

[48:40] R.

[48:41] We in Scotland, the period piece. No, what's the name of the movie? Rob Roy. Rob Roy. I've never fought. I feel like I should have known that.

[48:52–51:04] [Editorial omission.]

[51:04] Man, I don't. I think we should just end the show right there. I got nothing else on that. We ended on a high note. Um, thank you for listening. If you like this, let us know. Should we keep going? Should we go into the 2000s? Should we go older? I mean, we may have to watch some movies to before we can even write some descriptions. Uh, but yeah, let us know if you like this. We could do we could probably do this with music or other [expletive] too. I don't know. I think we need to change it up a little bit. Maybe we'll stick to themes. Since like I noticed while looking these up, the 90s movies, like, there are so [expletive] many that I have seen.

[51:04] I think it would be easier on everybody if we broke it down into genres at least. Exactly. Because I totally thought you were [expletive] Sam Line. I thought you were referencing a horror movie. So that might help too, actually, picking them out. Right.

[51:45–52:12] [Editorial omission.]

[52:12] Thanks for listening. Uh, for real, if you want to join our Patreon, it's patreon.com slash Nat1Presents. The one is a numeral, or go to nat1presents.com, or our handle is NatOnePresents. There is a pattern here, you can figure it out. Uh, if you want to support our show, become a patron. Uh, it's as little as a dollar. It gets you a bonus episode every month and video recordings of the episodes, and you also get to see them on Thursdays, uh, like four or five days before they come out on Tuesday. So it's just a dollar. Check it out. Thanks for listening. Bye. Bye.